Dreams of a Baby

Published by: A.D. Mariano

Our arms are empty. Our souls are tired.
Our hearts are heavy and faith feels old.
The world sees us as selfish, too
For we desire a child to hold.

We've read the books and heard opinions
And endured the loss of hope,
While those around us have the nerve
To advise us how to cope.

We've seen the pros and followed charge
We've thought we'd never do,
And yet the crib stays empty
And we feel empty too.

I don't know where this road goes
As we treat it with much fears
That we will wind up heartbroken
With a cradle full of tears.

YES!

Oh, my gosh, it’s actually happening!

I called Dr. Synn’s office today and made an appointment for a consultation. It has been three years since the surgery, four years since I began fertility treatments, and six whole years since I saw Dr. Synn the first time for testing.

The last seven years have been a long, hard road. The most difficult part by far has been these last three years, dealing with depression and feeling stagnant.

We will see how the consultation goes, but as of now we are on track to begin a medicated IUI cycle in August.

FINALLY!!!

The Ramblings of an 'Older' Infertile

Once I passed age 30, I found myself instantly concerned with a few issues...

First, I could now hear the clock ticking. Not like I hadn't heard it before, but I immediately felt this "countdown to 35" begin.

At the age of 35, a pregnant woman is usually assigned to a specialist automatically. Why? Because she is considered a geriatric pregnancy.

SERIOUSLY? A GERIATRIC pregnancy??? Really, with our modern-day advances, we can't figure out a better term for an older mother?

Plus, the medical community takes every opportunity to remind you about all the risks that are associated with 'older mothers'. Thanks.

Way to bring a girl down.

Not that I would mind being pregnant at 35. I would be over the moon. I would proudly take that geriatric pregnancy label and wear it on my forehead if I needed to.

But nevertheless, I hear the countdown. And it's not pretty.

Another issue I have is with the way that others judge the infertile community. Especially the 'older' infertiles. (I have to say, that in this instance, I am mainly referring to the Mormon community... whom I love... for the most part...)

I know, I know, I'm still young. Blah, blah, blah.

But I am now in my 30's. And many people tend to look at women who have infertility issues in their 30s and think that we 'brought this on ourselves' by waiting too long to pursue a family. We put our careers / travel / money / fun first and now that we are ready for a family we 'waited too long'.

What people don't realize is that many of these 'older infertiles' didn't wait. And even if they did, who are we to judge?

However, *I* started trying to begin my family when I was 23!

How ironic that if I had gotten pregnant right away at age 23, some would have thought I was 'too young'. But now that I will be in my 30s when I become a mom, others would call me an 'older mother'.

Which brings me to my last gripe (for tonight): When I do become a mom at 31 or 32 or 38, will I have anything, anything in common with the new 21-year-old moms at church? Will the age difference be blaring in my face, or will our new-motherness bridge the age gap?

So many questions tonight, but not a lot of answers. Sigh.

And life goes on...

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

I did not cry this Easter weekend. Not one tear. Even when I:

• spent nearly the entire day at home by myself.
• had no one to teach the true Easter story to.
• read Facebook postings about all the Easter Egg hunts going on and the cute Easter outfits that my friends' kids wore.
• had no Easter basket to prepare because there was no one to give it to.
• listened to Church Conference that included many talks on parenting, with one talk focused entirely on motherhood.
• had no reason to get up at the crack of dawn and hide eggs.

Instead, I:

• spent hours and hours preparing and executing a fundraiser for my Young Women so they can all attend Girls' Camp at little/no cost to them.
• listened to Church Conference and took away from it those things that matter to me right now.
• made a lemon cake for my family to enjoy.
• spent all day sewing skirts for my nieces.
• said lots of little prayers throughout the day.
• bought a couple favorite Easter candies and ate them all myself.

Compared to the Easters in years past, I felt I made it through this one quite well! No pity parties. When I felt one coming on, I just tried to change my thinking. I concentrated on serving others, while doing little things for myself too. I tried to think about the true meaning of Easter, and how it pertained to me.

I wonder if someday, when Easter has become the fun and chaotic madness it is when you have children, I will look back at this Easter with fond memories. The Easter I spent all alone. Interesting thought.

I just haven't met you yet!

I have a personal, strict rule about this blog: No going back and reading entries. Why? Because it is monumentally depressing! Starting treatment, stopping treatment, plans that never came to be: why torture myself by reliving all of that?

I have started and stopped so many plans it can make my head spin. Many times, money was the contributing factor. If money were no object, my guess is I would have continued from one step to the next when I started this whole infertility testing/treatment process back in 2004.

But money aside, I still have jumped ship during times I could have kept going. Why? If it is something I want so badly, why am I having difficulty sticking with a particular protocol?

After much thought, I think I know the answer, or at least a portion of the answer. Although I know I will have a family someday, I have no idea where this family will come from. Will it be through foster care, adoption, fertility treatments, or just a surprise on its own? Will it be because I used acupuncture, relaxation, a fertility supplement, or just “forgot about it”?

Every time I start working on one area, the fear comes over me that maybe I am supposed to be doing something else. If I try to just relax and live my life, I fear I am wasting time. I’m not getting any younger. When I try a natural infertility technique, I wonder if I should be spending my time and energy pursuing foster care instead. It’s a never-ending cycle. I can never win!

And all of this is to achieve something that is basically unknown: The pursuit of a baby. My baby. This illusive gift that I know will be wonderful and worth every minute of heartache.

But, really, who is this person? Boy or girl? A blondie like me, a brunette like hubby, or a different ethnicity entirely? Have they already been born and are making their way into our home, or will I carry them for nine months?

If I knew these answers, I could choose a path, and you would not be able to detour me from it. But with all the unknowns, I wander without answers, and jump from plan to plan, just waiting for inspiration…

Oh, how music can say things I can’t. I love this song because it speaks so true to how I am feeling, and is so upbeat in the process. You can’t listen to this song and not feel happy. I may falter, but I’ll never give up. And when I meet my baby, I’ll know. :) Someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll find the right path and I’ll get there.

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that it will be so amazing,
And being in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.

Listen to the song:
CLICK HERE

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving,
between my God and me,
I let Him choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
and I, within my heart,
Forget He sees the pattern
while I see only part.

The dark threads are as needful,
in the skillful weaver's hand,
As threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

Not till the loom is silent,
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas,
and explain the reason why.

(Anonymous)

I know I can't wait to see what my canvas looks like one day... I'm sure when I do it will have all been worth it. I hope it will be beautiful!

The Why and the How of it

After my Freedom posting, I received several emails asking for more information. It seems people are wondering how to begin seeking help for depression.

I’m no psychologist, but here is my opinion. :) I think the best way to go about this process is to see a therapist (either a MFT, LCSW, or psychologist) first. They can ‘diagnose’ you with depression, and talk to you about whether medication would be right for you. Then, if it seems medication is right for you, either they refer you to a psychiatrist who does a brief interview and gives you the prescription or you can just go to your primary doctor.

I chose the second route because I have been with my doctor since I was 17 and she knows me really well. I hadn’t even mentioned to her that I had seen a therapist. She took one look at me and knew I needed help. But you may not know your doctor that well, or they may not be ‘in tune’, and in that case it would be good to have the outside opinion of a therapist.

Another benefit to seeing a therapist is that maybe you don’t need medication after all. Maybe, particularly if your depression is purely situational, therapy is enough on its own to get you through. You don’t want to go into antidepressants lightly. They literally change your brain chemistry. You want to make sure they are appropriate for you. If therapy is enough, let it be enough.

If you do need extra help though, even with the therapist’s recommendation, there can still be roadblocks. I have a friend who went to a new doctor about her postpartum depression. Even though she told him that her therapist recommended she take something for a while, he told her she just needed to exercise. That is actually really good advice, if she was able to get out of bed. Luckily, she didn’t give up. She got a second opinion. She took an antidepressant (with continued therapy) for about six months, weaned off, and has been fine ever since. So, if you know in your heart what’s right for you, don’t give up!

Now, you could skip the therapist altogether. Some doctors have no problem writing prescriptions for anything, just because you asked. But I recommend seeing someone first. This is your health, and I think a slow, methodical approach (with a few different opinions) is better.

About the word “depression” being on your medical file… yeah, it stinks. Join the crowd. Many, MANY people have been treated for depression. I would venture to say most long-term infertiles have dealt with it in some way. I have been assured by case workers and therapists that it does not hinder adoption proceedings. Regardless, if you are seriously dealing with depression, what choice do you have? Are you going to live your life half-way so that you don’t have to see a “therapist” or have the word “depression” next to your name in some doctor’s file? That’s NO life.

Along these same lines… it is possible that some people will have to take an antidepressant, or see a therapist, their whole life. Many do not, but some do. Maybe their chemistry is such that they are susceptible to full-on, long-term depression. It’s not ideal, but again I say, what is your other option? Personally, I would rather have a full life with valued relationships and special moments, even if it means I have to take a tiny pill each day, or talk with someone each week. I was able to wean off the medication, so I don’t know how it feels to be in that situation. Even so, I know how I felt when I was in the midst of the depression, and that wasn’t living.

Of course, I need to acknowledge that antidepressants (and even therapy sometimes) are not for everyone. Some people have awful reactions to antidepressants, and they can make things worse for some. What I am trying to express is the importance of knowing yourself and doing what is right for you to make your life better. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe medicine, maybe both, maybe neither. Maybe it is exercise, meditation, volunteering, or art. Whatever it is, it is so SO important that you find it, and never give up trying. Because, if you are where I was, it can only get better!

I hope this helps someone!

Weaning...

After writing this blog posting, I was approached by one of my most awesomest friends (and, yes... awesomest is a word!). :) She was wondering how I weaned off of the Lexapro. After telling her my story, I felt I should also post it here. When a doctor tells you not to stop antidepressants cold turkey, you should listen. Here's why...

It literally took me months to wean myself from the medication. I first tried to stop cold turkey. I had finished my prescription for the month and didn't want to pay to refill it. I was thinking that I may be a bit more 'emotional' for a while and then I'd be fine. I was soooo wrong.

A week in, I had a complete emotional meltdown. Literally, one of the worst evenings in my life. I can not express to you the horror that was that night. It was the deepest depression mixed with the highest amount of anxiety possible. It was sheer panic, indescribable dread, and impending doom all mixed together.

What was even worse... I was experiencing weird sensations. They were kind-of like an electrical shock through my whole body. They weren't painful, but very scary. Immediately after feeling the shock, I would get the feeling I was going to pass out. Then, a second later, it would be gone.

They started after day 3 or so, and by the time I got to that week mark, they were occurring at least every 10 minutes. Finally, that night, I looked up Lexapro withdrawal symptoms and saw that other people had experienced these "shocks", and some had progressed to seizures. I became convinced that's where I was headed and went that night to a 24-hour pharmacy and refilled the prescription. By the next evening, those "shocks" were completely gone and I felt light-years better emotionally.

That whole incident scared me pretty badly, so I waited a few weeks before trying again. This time, I did it right. I cut the 20mg pills in half (10mg) and took those for a good month. Then I tried to take 10mg every other day. The "shocks" returned (although not NEARLY as bad as they were that one night). So instead, I cut the pill into fourths (5mg) and took that everyday. After another several weeks, I started taking it every other day, then every 3rd day, and finally not at all.

It's been about a month since I've taken 1/4 a pill, and I still get an occasional "shock" every once in a while. The doctor said that it takes months for the medicine to fully and completely leave your system. I have noticed that they went from 1 a day, to 1 every few days, and I think I have gone about a week without one yet. So, I'm making progress!

Respect the medication! Respect that it is literally altering chemicals in your brain! Give your body time to readjust slowly.

Okay, PSA over! :) Thanks to my most awesomest friend for inspiring me to share this story!