Monday, April 12, 2010

The Ramblings of an 'Older' Infertile

Once I passed age 30, I found myself instantly concerned with a few issues...

First, I could now hear the clock ticking. Not like I hadn't heard it before, but I immediately felt this "countdown to 35" begin.

At the age of 35, a pregnant woman is usually assigned to a specialist automatically. Why? Because she is considered a geriatric pregnancy.

SERIOUSLY? A GERIATRIC pregnancy??? Really, with our modern-day advances, we can't figure out a better term for an older mother?

Plus, the medical community takes every opportunity to remind you about all the risks that are associated with 'older mothers'. Thanks.

Way to bring a girl down.

Not that I would mind being pregnant at 35. I would be over the moon. I would proudly take that geriatric pregnancy label and wear it on my forehead if I needed to.

But nevertheless, I hear the countdown. And it's not pretty.

Another issue I have is with the way that others judge the infertile community. Especially the 'older' infertiles. (I have to say, that in this instance, I am mainly referring to the Mormon community... whom I love... for the most part...)

I know, I know, I'm still young. Blah, blah, blah.

But I am now in my 30's. And many people tend to look at women who have infertility issues in their 30s and think that we 'brought this on ourselves' by waiting too long to pursue a family. We put our careers / travel / money / fun first and now that we are ready for a family we 'waited too long'.

What people don't realize is that many of these 'older infertiles' didn't wait. And even if they did, who are we to judge?

However, *I* started trying to begin my family when I was 23!

How ironic that if I had gotten pregnant right away at age 23, some would have thought I was 'too young'. But now that I will be in my 30s when I become a mom, others would call me an 'older mother'.

Which brings me to my last gripe (for tonight): When I do become a mom at 31 or 32 or 38, will I have anything, anything in common with the new 21-year-old moms at church? Will the age difference be blaring in my face, or will our new-motherness bridge the age gap?

So many questions tonight, but not a lot of answers. Sigh.

And life goes on...


Luna said...

That is an interesting question. I can't wait for you to write the answer. My guess is there will be NO GAP. Your new motherness places you on an equal, ageless footing. Even if you will be geriatric! *wink*

Brittany said...

I agree with Luna. Something about boogies, the ever challenging battles with your little ones bowels, sleepless nights, temper tantums etc., helps you bridge any gap taht age may create. My guess is you will be looked up to not only because your well, amazing, but also because of your "geriatric" wisdom. Younger moms will probably rely a lot on you for support.

Shea said...

It completely bridges the gap which is so funny. If you are 21 or 31 or even 41. The moms deal with the same stages...and the mommyness of it all. And whenever it happens will be perfect timing.

Shan said...

I know what you mean about all of these concerns...especially about the clock ticking loudly after 30. Try having a 40 year old husband. I know his clock is not ticking, but in some ways it is...he doesn't want to be too old when we bring a baby into our lives. And there are some restrictions about adopting (infants) in some countries when one partner is over his adoption clock is ticking and my biological clock is ticking. If only we knew what path we were supposed to be on...

Susie Demke said...

What IF you didn't have anything in common with them? Would that be so bad? Do you really want to have things in common with a 21 year old??? ;)
Here's what would happen. Those younger moms would be looking to you for inspiration because you 1. are a mother with a rock solid marriage (advantage) 2. you have lots of knowledge, depth, insight, and strength.
That all comes with age. Not necessarily with children. Look at me. I have 4 kids and I turn to this blog constantly for perspective and insight. I have friends who are all ages in my ward. I can take care of my kids just fine, I don't need them for that. I want friendships and support for other issues as well. One of my best friends in the ward is in her 60's. We have NOTHING in common. I like that.
But- I appreciate your gripes:) I wish I was around so you could gripe to me in person. Don't be too hard on yourself by comparing your insides to other's outsides. (Got that from the therapist:) It's not fair. To you. This is your path, your journey. Don't get caught up with some's and others. Your *friends* don't judge you. We love you:)

Brock said...

Hey Michelle, when I was 21 and a new mother sitting in the mother's lounge, Sister Barrus was sitting there with me. We were able to visit and chat just as if she was 21 or as if I was... well ya know! :) I have always loved her for that. You will be a strength. I guarantee it.