Monday, May 9, 2011

A Message

After a comment and a couple emails, I have something I need to say...

I apologize if my pregnancy posts hurts anyone in any way. That thought torments me with every picture I post or pregnancy tidbit I share. In real life, on Facebook, and here. I have posted, deleted, re-posted and edited the heck out of each one, trying to make it okay. Some people find hope in what I write, but other people don't. Either way, I have to record this journey. I recorded the years and years of heartache and disappointment... every harsh detail. The purpose of this blog was to write my story to share with my children someday (see my sidebar: "Purpose of this blog"). That has to include the miracle that has found its way into our life.

I wish for all women who desire children to have their dreams to come true. For several years, I watched friend after friend (in real life and blog-friends) with infertility finally realize their dream, while I kept waiting. I did not begrudge them. Seeing their pregnancies hurt though, and I fully recognize that feeling. I hate to make anyone feel sadness or pain.

Reading through my posts since the pregnancy, one can see that infertility is still with me, still part of my every day existence. I have not forgotten where I once was, and I never will. Although with this blessing there is a huge guilt that follows me, I know that I will continue to support, love and lift up those who are struggling. And in the end, that's all I can do.

If you are no longer able to read my blog, that is okay. There are no hard feelings. My hope is that you can find those places which are most supportive and helpful to you, and if I'm not one of them anymore, I completely understand. Just know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I have a huge amount of love for you and compassion for the trial that you bear right now.

20 comments:

Savannah said...

I for one, rejoice with each tidbit you share. You waited a long time to become pregnant, you deserve to celebrate every single moment. Loves!

Krista said...

I will ALWAYS support those who have fought and eventually won the fight! You guys give me hope!

Hope said...

I just wanted to say that (as someone still longing for a take-home baby) I do find hope in reading about your pregnancy. I don't always have a lot to say about pregnancy related posts, but I am really happy for you, even if I'm quiet.

For myself, when I come to the blog of someone who is pregnant or parenting after IF, I expect to see joy as well as worry. I know what I'm getting in for, I know I might feel a little jealous, and I come anyway, because it does bring me hope.

I also really appreciate hearing from you on my blog. :-)

Marie said...

Thank you for this post. I've been trying to decide if I want to still follow your blog as closely as I have been. It's been hard and hopeful all at the same time. I feel so happy for you, and don't have any ill feelings, but I also am not sure I'm ready to follow along with a pregnancy. I guess I haven't made a decision yet, but thank you for your understanding and "permission" You have been a strength to me all along, and continue to be so.

Adriane said...

I think it's an encouragement to see someone that's walked the journey be able to say the words, "I am pregnant"...that's what we're all waiting for, right? I know that when I become pregnant (some day, week, month, year, decade) I will want to share it because it's like this hard, painful journey was not in vain. I am much more eager to read these pregnancy updates than the "family of 5 in five years of not trying" scenario. continuing to pray for your healthy pregnancy:)

Mrs. Lydon said...

I derive Hope from all the moments you are able to enjoy now. And hope to be there with you soon !

K. said...

I completely understand, and am in the same boat. I fell bad sharing my happiness, but at the same time infertility and the pain of the journey is still such a real part of my life. I can't seem to separate myself from it and am glad to have an outlet to share it. Please continue sharing...it is appreciated and does help others!

Bret&Amberly said...

I for one am happy to read your posts, it gives me hope. I can see the pain that you have gone through, and yet recognize the sweet joy that has come to your family. I appreciate following your journey, and you being willing to share your thoughts.

Marianne said...

I think Krista summed it up for me. I am so glad when one of us wins the fight! I will always follow your blog! And thanks for the supportive comments on mine. I am really taking it day by day and staying positive. Getting my mind off of it seems to be helping!
Hugs!

Amy Nielson said...

I'm suddenly feeling very protective of you and a little fired up!! The fact that you even wrote this post shows just how much you DO care about others feelings and apparently others don't treat you with the same respect. That makes me SO mad!! If anyone knows you they know how much you worry for others and put their feelings above your own A LOT!! Obviously I didn't have as long of a journey in infertility as a lot of women, but I do know that it is possible to be happy for another when they do become pregnant after SO long of wanting and trying. After 7 long years, IT IS YOUR TURN AND WELL DESERVED!!! I've never been happier for someone else to pregnant!!! You SHOULD enjoy this and if someone doesn't want to follow this blog anymore then don't. The fact that anyone would say something rude about YOUR blog is so beyond my understanding. Just keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything nice to say!!! I love you Michelle and I so very much want you to enjoy this time without anything getting in the way of that. I just had to express my thoughts because it has been bugging me all night. I feel better now. :)

tawnipeterson said...

I am with Amy...and am so happy for you. You have a beautiful baby girl on the way and that is a joy that deserves sharing in ANY situation and, I believe, especially when you have struggled and fought to get to this place.(As far too many have) Rejoice, friend! And keep sharing your rejoicing with us.I actually pray that ALL the guilt will be done with. Guilt, and the shame that sometimes comes attached to the guilt, is a ploy from a very real enemy whose number one mission is to kill your joy. (John 10:10)Each time you taise your "voice" and share your joy with us out here in the blogoshpere, you win two battles!You can't be responsible for eveyone else's pain-no one exeects that of you.And yours is one of the MOST sensitive and thoughtful blogs I have come across. You are beautiful. Your journey is beautiful. I rejoice with you!!

RMCarter said...

Thanks for the support. Just for the record, no one has been mean or rude. Just sad. And I totally get that. I have been in the same position before. Sometimes, I wanted to stop reading the blog, but I didn’t want to hurt the writer’s feelings. That’s why I wanted to say I understand if people stop reading. I expected my readership to decline once I became pregnant. It’s okay.

A said...

i think it is incredibly hard to be a pregnant after IF blogger. very rarely have i encountered someone in our shoes who seems like they have forgotten about the struggle that is/was IF, and the few times i have felt that way, i have definitely stopped reading their blog. but i dont feel as if you have had IF amnesia at all. i also understand if it is hard for people to keep reading my blog now that i'm pregnant, but i hope i write about this precious baby in a way that conveys an amount of gratitude and respect for this precious life that i have been given. hang in there (HUG)

Richard and McKenna said...

I know I didn't struggle with infertility, so it's hard for me to really empathize with those who had (I did have a couple miscarriages though) but I agree with those that say YOU DESERVE THIS and it is your blog, as you mentioned so you should celebrate and write about anything you want to!!! I am glad no one has been mad or rude, just hurt and that breaks my heart. I pray that every women gets their dream to be a mother. But you have been through so much, waited so long and it is your blog so I think you should not edit, delete or re-post what you feel. You will be sad one day that you didn't include all of your emotions, incredible happiness and rejoicing included :) Just my 2 cents.

Stephanie Salmon said...

I keep trying to leave comments on your blog and it never lets me. And by the time I know that, I have lost the comment. And they were long, thoughtful comments. I don't know if this one will go through or not, but I love your blog and I agree, infertility never leaves you. I couldn't help thinking on Mother's Day of those who were having an especially hard day, just because of the title of the day.

Christine Dallimore said...

Michelle, This is your time girl! I totally understand your feelings as I have had them too. When I was expecting with Elliana I was very hesitant to share news and worried about every little word or detail I was sharing. You have indeed worked a very long time for this and I hope others are mindful of all that you have endured. I love that you are being so wonderful and sensitive to other's feelings, what I love even more though is seeing your baby ticker count down the days and weeks! Words can't express how excited I am for you and all that you have in store. I for one will be still following your blog....and PLEASE share details of how you are decorating your nursery. I have a special gift -or two- in mind for ya already!!!

Alan and Abby said...

I am one of the ones who has not yet received her miracle, but I am so happy to read your posts. I don't comment often, but I am there, always reading your joyful news. To me, it brings hope. It brings visions of what my life will one day be. I just know it.

Sharon said...

It's incredibly touching that you are thinking so much of other people at this wonderful time in your life. For my part, as long as I know a baby has parents who will love him/her with all their hearts, that's all I care about. There's not enough joy in this world and for me it's an absolute joy to share in your journey as it unfolds (true, I don't know anything much about pregnancy, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy reading about each amazing step). I say celebrate your joy! (And you always do it in such a sensitive way anyway, it would be impossible to hurt my feelings ... but then I have been doing this for quite a while now and I am very old :) so maybe that helps). Thanks for being so caring, but please don't feel any guilt about something that is so very richly deserved (and I would have said that whether it took one year or 10, simply because anyone can see you'll be such a great mum!).

Brock said...

I applaud you for giving permission to others to stop reading. It is brave and fair. So many have found a similar struggle with you, that might not be the case now. I also pray that guilt can leave you. Guilt has no place in your life right now, it gets in the way of gratitude! I also agree that this is your blog and if you want to write about the color of your grass than you should do it! While the emotions you experienced over the last 7 years are a part of your journey, you are allowed to continue to progress and embrace the emotions that come with conquering IF as well! Sweet Katelyn is so very very lucky!
Erin

Holly said...

As an IF still in the waiting. I have no problem with what your writing. Granted sometimes it might me had but that doesn't mean you need to change what your writing about. On days that are harder for me I actually like reading blogs of those who have gotten their mircles becasue it gives me hope again that one day I will hopefully get the chance to write about it too. I think you should write about whatever is on your heart. Everything happens for a reason and maybe it was ment for those who are unable to read it to take some time away from it now. I think your an amazing person and look forward to reading your blog.

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.