Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm Pregnant

"Well, I'm pregnant."
"We're expecting a baby."
"We'll be adding to our family soon."

Why are these words so difficult to say?

My tummy is big enough now that someone who knows me can tell I'm pregnant.

In the last week or so, I have had several client meetings. In those meetings, clients have asked leading questions like, "So... anything new and exciting going on?" They are opening up the dialogue for me to share my obvious news (that's becoming more obvious as the days pass).

One client asked me this question 3 times. Even so, I still found myself unable to tell her my news. She must have thought I was crazy, or worse, that I wasn't happy to be in this position.

I always thought if I ever became pregnant, I'd be screaming it from the rooftops. And I am screaming it inside. I am the happiest I've been in my life. It's all I talk about with Ryan. I *love* to discuss it with people. But I just can't "announce" it. At least not out loud. I can't say those words.

Almost everyone who I told personally that we were pregnant found out via email or text message. My parents learned by phone. It wasn't until the announcements were over that I realized I didn't actually look anyone in the eyes and tell them I was pregnant. At least not that I can remember.

What is wrong with me? How can someone SO happy and SO grateful be SO unable to say those words out loud? It really bothers me.

I am wondering if I spent so long thinking I may never be here, I didn't allow myself to even imagine how it would be. For 7 years, I avoided the word "pregnant". Saying it out loud now makes it real, and I am too scared to believe it's real... I'm afraid if I say it, I'm going to lose it.

How long will this last? And how do I change it?


Savannah said...

When we were chosen, I had a hard time telling people. I think partly because I was scared it wouldn't work out. But also because I had been on the other end so much and I knew how much it could hurt. I cried for days because I didn't know how to tell my best friend. I didn't want to hurt her.
If I were prego, I'd let my belly tell the story. I always dreamed about getting pregnant and not telling ANYONE until the baby was born. It never would have worked in the small town I work in, but it was fun to think about.

RMCarter said...

I think that's a huge part of it Savannah. Hearing people say they were pregnant hurt to some extent for years, and the guilt from that was scarring. I didn't want their happiness to make me feel like that, but I couldn't help that it did. Knowing how that feels, it is hard for me to make the "announcement", fearing that I am causing someone pain. I know that I most likely have brought pain to women who are still waiting and I hate that more than anything. :(

tawnipeterson said...

I was gonna post...but it became epic I just messaged you insted. :-)

christine said...

I think what you are feeling is totally normal for someone who has gone through IF. I waited to tell my work and two of my sisters until I was 16 weeks. I didn't tell my grad school class until I was 19 weeks. The announcements/bellies had hurt me in the past and I just didn't feel like telling my news. I hope you're able to tell people in a way that works for you!

Jessica R said...

I can still barely say the words at 28 weeks. I pretty much went for totally awkward and weird - we gave our parents "Grandma" and "Grandpa" tshirts, and I made one announcement to my girlfriends (which took a LOT of sweating and wringing of hands). Other than that I just waited for the belly to speak for itself, which it does now. People I talk to by phone/email but don't see regularly probably still don't know.

You are totally normal! Pregnancy is a joyful thing but for an IF-er, it seems like saying it is going to cause someone to pull the rug out from under you. You're not alone in feeling that way :) *hugs*

Malachi and Layne said...

Yeah I think part of it is that "those words" caused pain to you for years- so saying it out loud is painful. And it's still scary to come to terms that your dream is coming true! I hope it gets easier for you!good luck!

Wes and Dani said...

I am struggling with this same issue right now. I am almost 18 weeks along and I still feel insanely weird telling people I'm pregnant.

I agree with the above comments that a lot has to do with the fear that you are hurting someone else, or "bragging" or something....but for me there's also an element of jinxing things or something. Like, by talking about it, somehow something is bound to go wrong like it has both times in the past.

I go for my anatomy scan tomorrow, and I haven't told anyone but my mom that we're even going. There's something about the pressure of people knowing we have a Dr's appointment that stresses me out. I think it's that if something were to go wrong, I would be even more heartbroken to have people asking me over the following days how my appointment went and I'd have to explain bad news.

It's easier to just almost pretend like the whole thing isn't happening.

I refuse to talk about our baby as though it is definitely coming. Even though we are almost to the halfway point, I find myself still saying, "If everything works out and we have this baby..." and you can bet no non-IF'er is thinking that this far along.

Sorry my comment is so long....What I'm trying to say is, basically, I think it's a defense mechanism because you've dealt with infertility and miscarriage in the past. It makes the whole pregnancy thing feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells or avoiding an inevitable time bomb.

Mrs. Lydon said...

Hoping you get more comfortable with this. I remember when I was pregnant I held this huge guilt because of IF feeling like so many waited so much longer than me and still are, then when I misscarried I wished I had just enjoyed every moment for what it was.

Luna said...

Everyone may think I am so weird here.... but I always found it hard to tell people too, and I would not consider any of my pregnancies an infertility struggle. I think it can be very normal to share a very intimate detail like that.... even if it is obvious. I think only when it becomes ridiculous did it become easier for me.

Laura said...

I felt the same way, like maybe once it was out there, something would go wrong. I had many people encourage me to be visibly happy and joyful about my pregnancy. My sister (who also struggled with infertility) told me... YOU HAVE WORKED HARD and ENDURE SO MUCH to get to this point and there is not sense in hiding your greatest achievement! It can be scary watching and waiting for something to go wrong, but don't forget to relish the attention and support that people can give you during this special time in your life!

Mrs. Bushey said...

Even a mere days before I delivered I still had a hard time talking about being pregnant, well outside of my blog that is. I mean it was obvious I was, but I never brought it to any ones attention. And only if they started asking me about it did I talk about it.

In the beginning I was just so shocked to actually be pregnant and sometimes didn't feel like it was real. But once he was viable I'm not sure why I still couldn't shout it from the roof tops. Once IF has a hold of you it never lets go.