There are two types of people who beat infertility. By beating infertility I mean that, despite the odds, a couple who at one time struggled has a successful pregnancy thanks to a drug, treatment, or just plain luck.
The first type I would call the chameleon. Once their dream comes true, their colors change. Suddenly, what has happened for them will happen for everyone. They find themselves telling other girls the same things that they themselves hated to hear. Relax, it will happen when you least expect it, have faith. But, now it is okay to say these things because, they are actually true after all!!!
One chameleon’s name is Jamie*. Jamie went to church with me. Jamie struggled for years to become pregnant. Jamie knew how it felt to be the only married girl at church without kids. Jamie experienced walking by the girls who were expecting or pregnant in the hallway and feeling unable to join in the conversation. Jamie stumbled her way through awkward chats with friends about potty training or colic, with no life experience to lean on. Jamie skipped out on baby showers. Jamie was like me.
So, Jamie would talk to me. We weren’t the best of friends who shared all of each other’s hopes and dreams. But we did share one dream, to have a child of our own. Jamie became a friendly face to turn to during those “being-a-good-mother-type” church lessons. She taught me tricks to ease the pain, such as buying an expecting mother a Target gift card, so you don’t have to brave the baby department. She was even there during Mother’s Day, quite possibly the worst day of the year for a childless woman, who each year at church gets a flower with the remark “You can have one, even though you’re not a mom”, or something as equally unintentionally heart wrenching. From a glance in the hall to a quick word in the parking lot, I had a friend in Jamie.
Then one day, after several failed treatments, Jamie became pregnant by surprise. No one had an explanation, it just happened.
Jamie’s metamorphosis happened instantly and without warning. The exclusive nightclub Pregnancy&Motherhood had waved her in and she wasn’t turning back, even to waive good-bye. In other words, Jamie literally never spoke to me again.
Maybe you're wondering if I stopped talking to her. Maybe I felt she had nothing in common with me anymore. Maybe I pushed her away because I was jealous. The answer to these would be no. I was ecstatic when I learned of her pregnancy. Finally, someone like me had made it to the other side!! But, she didn't want to share this experience with me. I wouldn't understand. This is why I found out she was pregnant from someone else. Simply put...I tried, she didn't.
Jamie joined the other girls my age with tummy bumps and babies in tow and discussed breastfeeding and leg cramps in the hallway. I was invited to her baby shower. I got her a Target gift card.
Soon after the baby was born, they moved. I saw her once more when they came back to visit. Still not a word was spoken, but I thought I saw some sadness in her eyes when she saw my arms were still empty. Or maybe that's what I wanted to see...or didn't want to see? Regardless, I haven’t seen her since.
So, the chameleon would be one type of “recovered infertility”. But there is another type out there.
This second type remembers with vivid clarity the heartache of infertility. They ask you how it’s going and they respond with empathy, not sympathy. They acknowledge your existence and that you differ from them in stage of life only. They are not overly optimistic about your situation and don’t assume success will happen for everyone, like it did for them. When they look at you, their eyes don’t say, “I feel sorry for you” but rather “I know how you feel; I haven’t forgotten the sorrow. My infertility has left a mark on me that will last forever and we will always be connected by that experience”. I have been fortunate to meet a few of these strong women. Many times, I am introduced to a person who once struggled like me. When they learn that I, too, have had this trial, I cannot express the relief that comes over me when I realize they are in this second category.
And should my dream ever come true, I have promised myself I will never be a chameleon.
*Name changed
Monday, March 26, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
A New Plan
Okay, so I lied…It’s barely the beginning of March, but I have another update. My plans for treatment are changing somewhat. I have been having some symptoms (I’ll spare you the details) that are reminiscent of endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body, from the outside of the uterine wall in mild cases to all throughout the body in more severe cases. Apparently, I have a family history of this disease and I match a few of the symptoms, one of these being… infertility.
So here’s my conundrum: Do I stop all treatments, wait until we have better health insurance through the PD, and investigate this possibility ~OR~ Do I save up money and continue on with treatments as planned, after all the “cure” for endometriosis is pregnancy.
There is a good chance I don’t have this disease, but then again there’s a chance I do. Our infertility is considered “unexplained”, meaning all our tests look perfect. I have plenty of good eggs, my hormone levels look good, and Ryan has a high amount of “team members” so-to-speak. Could endometriosis be causing our problems? There’s only one way to find out, which involves surgery as described below:
Laparoscopy is the most common procedure used to diagnose and remove mild to moderate endometriosis. The surgeon inserts a lighted viewing instrument called a laparoscope through a small incision. The doctor can view the internal organs to look for signs of endometriosis or other possible problems. This is the only way that endometriosis can be diagnosed with certainty. Then the doctor can remove any visible endometriosis implants and scar tissue that may be causing pain or infertility.
At the same time, this procedure would also be performed:
A hysteroscopy is a procedure in which the doctor uses a hysteroscope to look at the inside of the uterus. A hysteroscope is a thin tube with a tiny camera. The doctor can guide a tool into the uterus to remove a fibroid tumor or just to check for any abnormalities therein.
Recovery time is 1-2 weeks for these procedures. For people who do have endometriosis, the chances of getting pregnant following the surgery are 75%.
After thinking, praying, and talking with my doctor, I feel that I should pursue this possibility. The worst case scenario would be a $200 deductible plus 20% of the cost of the surgery with the conclusion that this possibility is ruled out. Best case scenario would be discovering what might be wrong, repairing it (although this would be a “band-aid”; it will come back again), and getting pregnant. Sounds like a bet worth taking to me…
At the rate they're going, Ryan will start at the PD sometime in late March. He will have to be employed for 30 days and then the health coverage will start at the beginning of the next month following. We have heath insurance coverage now, but with 10 times the deductible amount. So right now it looks like in May I'll be eligible for the new insurance. I have heard some hospitals have waiting lists for this type of procedure so who knows when it will actually happen. But now we have a plan, albeit a new one, but it's still a plan! J
Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body, from the outside of the uterine wall in mild cases to all throughout the body in more severe cases. Apparently, I have a family history of this disease and I match a few of the symptoms, one of these being… infertility.
So here’s my conundrum: Do I stop all treatments, wait until we have better health insurance through the PD, and investigate this possibility ~OR~ Do I save up money and continue on with treatments as planned, after all the “cure” for endometriosis is pregnancy.
There is a good chance I don’t have this disease, but then again there’s a chance I do. Our infertility is considered “unexplained”, meaning all our tests look perfect. I have plenty of good eggs, my hormone levels look good, and Ryan has a high amount of “team members” so-to-speak. Could endometriosis be causing our problems? There’s only one way to find out, which involves surgery as described below:
Laparoscopy is the most common procedure used to diagnose and remove mild to moderate endometriosis. The surgeon inserts a lighted viewing instrument called a laparoscope through a small incision. The doctor can view the internal organs to look for signs of endometriosis or other possible problems. This is the only way that endometriosis can be diagnosed with certainty. Then the doctor can remove any visible endometriosis implants and scar tissue that may be causing pain or infertility.
At the same time, this procedure would also be performed:
A hysteroscopy is a procedure in which the doctor uses a hysteroscope to look at the inside of the uterus. A hysteroscope is a thin tube with a tiny camera. The doctor can guide a tool into the uterus to remove a fibroid tumor or just to check for any abnormalities therein.
Recovery time is 1-2 weeks for these procedures. For people who do have endometriosis, the chances of getting pregnant following the surgery are 75%.
After thinking, praying, and talking with my doctor, I feel that I should pursue this possibility. The worst case scenario would be a $200 deductible plus 20% of the cost of the surgery with the conclusion that this possibility is ruled out. Best case scenario would be discovering what might be wrong, repairing it (although this would be a “band-aid”; it will come back again), and getting pregnant. Sounds like a bet worth taking to me…
At the rate they're going, Ryan will start at the PD sometime in late March. He will have to be employed for 30 days and then the health coverage will start at the beginning of the next month following. We have heath insurance coverage now, but with 10 times the deductible amount. So right now it looks like in May I'll be eligible for the new insurance. I have heard some hospitals have waiting lists for this type of procedure so who knows when it will actually happen. But now we have a plan, albeit a new one, but it's still a plan! J
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
It's that time again!
Every few months, it becomes that time again. Time to think about what I am thankful for. Sometimes it’s easy to feel suffocated by all of this fertility stuff and when that happens it means I need to get some perspective.
Tonight, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil. There was a woman on the show who became blind at the age of 15. Listening to her story and watching her example was inspiring. She said you can’t change your circumstances, only your attitude. What a struggle that is! It is a constant battle from where I stand and here was a woman who has been through so much more, standing strong and encouraging others to do the same.
So, in light of her example, it’s time to count those blessings:
I have such a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh every day. Lately, there’s been less to smile about around here but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Recently, he’s been more and more successful. And that feels good. J
I love my family. Not only was I blessed enough to be adopted by such a great family, I got to marry into another! Likewise, my friends are unbelievable. They say that friends are the family you get to choose, and I have chosen the best.
I am so thankful for my home. It still seems like a dream that I actually live here. It also feels like a little miracle each time I pay the mortgage. Things have been tight, but we are making it. It has been smoother than I anticipated. It’s nice to look back at 2006 as the year we bought our first home
I love my job! Sure, the things I am studying at the moment aren’t my favorite. Also, between studying and work load, the hours are long. Even so, I have seen glimpses of what my career might look like someday and I’m liking what I see. How many people can say that their co-workers are like family? I can.
I am so glad to be healthy. I love learning and experiencing new things. The world is beautiful and I look forward to seeing more of it. I am thankful that I still have my optimism. I have had more than 40 cycles of trying to conceive. Never in any of these cycles, did I lose hope that this might be the one, even when the odds were stacked against me. Last cycle was the closest I’ve ever been to loosing all hope for success, but there was still some there… It makes for some great disappointments, but it really helps me day to day.
Lastly, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He has given me so many blessings and, during my hard times when I feel bitter or even angry, He is there waiting when I return humbled. I feel undeserving of what Jesus Christ has done for me and I try to be worthy of His sacrifice.
Tonight, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil. There was a woman on the show who became blind at the age of 15. Listening to her story and watching her example was inspiring. She said you can’t change your circumstances, only your attitude. What a struggle that is! It is a constant battle from where I stand and here was a woman who has been through so much more, standing strong and encouraging others to do the same.
So, in light of her example, it’s time to count those blessings:
I have such a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh every day. Lately, there’s been less to smile about around here but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Recently, he’s been more and more successful. And that feels good. J
I love my family. Not only was I blessed enough to be adopted by such a great family, I got to marry into another! Likewise, my friends are unbelievable. They say that friends are the family you get to choose, and I have chosen the best.
I am so thankful for my home. It still seems like a dream that I actually live here. It also feels like a little miracle each time I pay the mortgage. Things have been tight, but we are making it. It has been smoother than I anticipated. It’s nice to look back at 2006 as the year we bought our first home
I love my job! Sure, the things I am studying at the moment aren’t my favorite. Also, between studying and work load, the hours are long. Even so, I have seen glimpses of what my career might look like someday and I’m liking what I see. How many people can say that their co-workers are like family? I can.
I am so glad to be healthy. I love learning and experiencing new things. The world is beautiful and I look forward to seeing more of it. I am thankful that I still have my optimism. I have had more than 40 cycles of trying to conceive. Never in any of these cycles, did I lose hope that this might be the one, even when the odds were stacked against me. Last cycle was the closest I’ve ever been to loosing all hope for success, but there was still some there… It makes for some great disappointments, but it really helps me day to day.
Lastly, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He has given me so many blessings and, during my hard times when I feel bitter or even angry, He is there waiting when I return humbled. I feel undeserving of what Jesus Christ has done for me and I try to be worthy of His sacrifice.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Adding another month
Update on our status: It seems as though Ryan may get back on at the police department by the middle of March. This means it will probably be the first of April before our income improves enough to begin saving for the next stage of treatment. Looks like my month off of trying to conceive turned into two or three. I am okay with it though. I have hard days, for sure, but this time off is getting a little easier as time goes on. I am just trying to enjoy my husband, friends and family. I am forcing myself to laugh more and cry less. I am trying to get closer to God and have more faith and less despair. So far it’s working, as today was the best day I’ve had in a long time.
When you are unable to be proactive in trying to conceive, sometimes it gets tough. You feel like time is ticking by and you aren’t doing anything to better your situation. I am getting better and better at coping with this and writing what’s inside my heart is very therapeutic for me. So for the next couple months, while we are saving money, this journal will contain more reflections and not as many factual updates. If you want to join up with me once we get the ball rolling again, check back in mid-April.
When you are unable to be proactive in trying to conceive, sometimes it gets tough. You feel like time is ticking by and you aren’t doing anything to better your situation. I am getting better and better at coping with this and writing what’s inside my heart is very therapeutic for me. So for the next couple months, while we are saving money, this journal will contain more reflections and not as many factual updates. If you want to join up with me once we get the ball rolling again, check back in mid-April.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
If I was blind
If I was blind, would they say this to me:
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?
Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!
Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!
Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”
Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.
Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”
Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?
Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood
But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.
Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.
I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.
**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?
Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!
Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!
Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”
Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.
Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”
Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?
Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood
But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.
Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.
I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.
**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Time Out
Well, goodbye Clomid! I honestly thought that drug would work for me, but it’s now time to move on.
The next step is called Gonal F. They are injections given everyday (to myself). I will use them in conjunction with the Prometrium (progesterone supplements) and the estrogen patches. I will also still use the Ovidryl trigger shot to make me ovulate and the IUI (a type of artificial insemination).
But all this will have to wait. For one thing, the next cycle will cost ~$1100. So saving money is first. Secondly, I need a break! I have been feeding one type of hormone or another into my body every day for the past 4 months.
Hopefully, I’ll be back in the game in one cycle!
The next step is called Gonal F. They are injections given everyday (to myself). I will use them in conjunction with the Prometrium (progesterone supplements) and the estrogen patches. I will also still use the Ovidryl trigger shot to make me ovulate and the IUI (a type of artificial insemination).
But all this will have to wait. For one thing, the next cycle will cost ~$1100. So saving money is first. Secondly, I need a break! I have been feeding one type of hormone or another into my body every day for the past 4 months.
Hopefully, I’ll be back in the game in one cycle!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
One Last Time
Last night, I took my last three Clomid pills. It was kind-of weird to think that this is the last time I’ll take Clomid. If we aren’t successful, we move on to the next step.
So this cycle will be a duplicate of last time: 150mg of Clomid (days 3-7), begin estrogen patch day 8, scan on day 12, IUI 2 days later, and progesterone supplements from that time until I take the pregnancy test. Doing all of this, the success rate is about 10%.
So this cycle will be a duplicate of last time: 150mg of Clomid (days 3-7), begin estrogen patch day 8, scan on day 12, IUI 2 days later, and progesterone supplements from that time until I take the pregnancy test. Doing all of this, the success rate is about 10%.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
In Reflection
Just this morning, I was pondering my failed IUI procedure. The disappointment is still there, but it’s eased a bit. I was forcing myself to look at the bright side of this situation, and actually found there was one.
There are two types of good fathers in this world: born-fathers (who desire a baby from the beginning and whose heart breaks as much, or more, than their wife’s when it doesn’t happen) and love-at-first-sight fathers (The guy who knows he wants to be a dad someday, but the burning desire is lessened. It doesn’t completely click until the situation is actually at hand.)
Ryan fits into this second group of guys; so did his dad and his grandpa. All were excellent fathers, but were born without that raw emotion the first group experiences before the baby is even conceived. At first, I fought this and longed for Ryan to be in that first group. I felt so alone. Although he was there for support, I was the one carrying all the emotion. It felt like going into a lion’s cage. He was there to talk me through it from the outside looking in, but I was the only one fighting the beast.
Then one day he said something that stuck with me. If he were exactly like me, we would be two people falling apart. Who would be the strong one?
Fast-forward to this last cycle…
There is that time in a woman's cycle between the time you ovulate and the time you either start your next cycle or find out your pregnant. In the world of infertility, this is called the 2WW (two week wait). This 2WW is agonizing, as the looming possibility of pregnancy is incredibly difficult to ignore. In the 3 ½ years since we began thinking baby (that's about 45 cycles, mind you) during every two week wait, I would bring up the question, "I wonder if it happened this month?" Every single time, without fail, Ryan would say it didn't happen. So, this last month when I asked and he said "yes", I was shocked! He truly believed I was pregnant this time.
So when I wasn’t, he was stunned, and a little disappointed. I am not sure if his disappointment was a surprise to him, but it certainly was to me. Since that time, I have noticed small changes in him. He has now set a timeline for how we will proceed with this burden. I am not saying he is crying with me; the change has been subtle but it’s there. He seems a little more comfortable talking about the situation, which made this whole thing almost worth it. Almost…
This reflection, along with the knowledge that there are other options which we are both comfortable with, has lightened the load and brought a new batch of optimism and motivation that was desperately needed. For this hurdle, he will be the strong one. There will be other times when I will be strong, but for right now I will let him hold me up.
There are two types of good fathers in this world: born-fathers (who desire a baby from the beginning and whose heart breaks as much, or more, than their wife’s when it doesn’t happen) and love-at-first-sight fathers (The guy who knows he wants to be a dad someday, but the burning desire is lessened. It doesn’t completely click until the situation is actually at hand.)
Ryan fits into this second group of guys; so did his dad and his grandpa. All were excellent fathers, but were born without that raw emotion the first group experiences before the baby is even conceived. At first, I fought this and longed for Ryan to be in that first group. I felt so alone. Although he was there for support, I was the one carrying all the emotion. It felt like going into a lion’s cage. He was there to talk me through it from the outside looking in, but I was the only one fighting the beast.
Then one day he said something that stuck with me. If he were exactly like me, we would be two people falling apart. Who would be the strong one?
Fast-forward to this last cycle…
There is that time in a woman's cycle between the time you ovulate and the time you either start your next cycle or find out your pregnant. In the world of infertility, this is called the 2WW (two week wait). This 2WW is agonizing, as the looming possibility of pregnancy is incredibly difficult to ignore. In the 3 ½ years since we began thinking baby (that's about 45 cycles, mind you) during every two week wait, I would bring up the question, "I wonder if it happened this month?" Every single time, without fail, Ryan would say it didn't happen. So, this last month when I asked and he said "yes", I was shocked! He truly believed I was pregnant this time.
So when I wasn’t, he was stunned, and a little disappointed. I am not sure if his disappointment was a surprise to him, but it certainly was to me. Since that time, I have noticed small changes in him. He has now set a timeline for how we will proceed with this burden. I am not saying he is crying with me; the change has been subtle but it’s there. He seems a little more comfortable talking about the situation, which made this whole thing almost worth it. Almost…
This reflection, along with the knowledge that there are other options which we are both comfortable with, has lightened the load and brought a new batch of optimism and motivation that was desperately needed. For this hurdle, he will be the strong one. There will be other times when I will be strong, but for right now I will let him hold me up.
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