We know not all that lies ahead of us. We live in a world of uncertainty. For some, there will be great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health, and gracious living. For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know.
But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith.
In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
"Everything happens for a reason..."
Does everything happen for a reason? Even though I hate when people tell me this, thinking these thoughts provides comfort through tough times. But is it really true?
Last week I went to lunch with a friend, during which she was talking about working part-time while being a mom. I was interested, as this is my plan as well. She mentioned that working outside the home for a certain time each week is really good for her. She never realized it before she had kids, but staying home with them all the time would not have suited her personality. She would have struggled and felt resentful and the kids would have suffered for that.
There have been some great side benefits too. Because her husband works as a fireman with an alternating schedule, they are both able to participate fairly equally in raising the child. Baby is usually with either mom, dad, or both. She was nervous the first time she left the baby with dad only for a while, but doing so has been wonderful for him and the baby. He may be one of few dads out there who is completely comfortable feeding, changing, comforting, and playing with his son. They now share a special bond, just the two of them.
As she was describing this, something hit me. Maybe I wasn't just killing time trying to get pregnant, somehow falling into a career. Maybe this is all part of a special plan for me.
All my life, I never thought I would work at all when I was a mom. As recently as a year ago, I might have walked away from my job completely once that dream came true. But perhaps that is not what I was destined to do. Perhaps I am supposed to have an outlet in which to do something for others, help provide for my family, and give my husband a portion of the responsibility and privilege of caring for our kids.
When I look back, I first started trying to conceive my senior year of college (2003). The idea was to graduate just before I delivered and to stay at home. Well, of course, that didn't happen and so we came back to the Central Valley and I started looking for a job.
And that's all I wanted, just a job to pay the bills. My idea was to help Ryan through the Police Academy and then go to school (1 class at a time) while I raised my kids. Once they were all grown up, I would have a short career as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
So, I start a job working for a financial planner. A short time into it, he mentions the idea of becoming one myself. He tells me it would have the opportunity of working part-time when my kids were young. I, of course, dismiss it. After all, I already knew how my life was going to go.
Years pass...still no baby. I try out the MFT masters program and decide it's not for me. I begin to consider the idea of financial planning. I decide to give the classes a try. They were difficult, and I have no doubt that if children had come, I may have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, so I kept going.
Over a year goes by and here I sit. Too invested in this career and loving it too much to quit now, I think about how far I have come and where I should go from here. We have been admonished as LDS women to stay home with our kids, and that has always been the plan from the beginning.
In reflection, I can't help but think that this is the way I'm supposed to go. Ryan's career has that alternate schedule which offers me a slight variation on staying home. What about a stay-at-home mom-and/or-dad? With an occasional afternoon with Grandma? Can that really work? I guess time will tell...
I don't know all the answers, but I feel good about where I am. I know that no time is the "perfect" time to start a family, but maybe these last 5 years have not been the right time. Perhaps God knew there were certain things I need to accomplish first. That I needed to get right here, right now and that is why He's waiting. For His "perfect" time, not mine.
My life is not what I imagined it to be...but maybe everything happens for a reason...
Last week I went to lunch with a friend, during which she was talking about working part-time while being a mom. I was interested, as this is my plan as well. She mentioned that working outside the home for a certain time each week is really good for her. She never realized it before she had kids, but staying home with them all the time would not have suited her personality. She would have struggled and felt resentful and the kids would have suffered for that.
There have been some great side benefits too. Because her husband works as a fireman with an alternating schedule, they are both able to participate fairly equally in raising the child. Baby is usually with either mom, dad, or both. She was nervous the first time she left the baby with dad only for a while, but doing so has been wonderful for him and the baby. He may be one of few dads out there who is completely comfortable feeding, changing, comforting, and playing with his son. They now share a special bond, just the two of them.
As she was describing this, something hit me. Maybe I wasn't just killing time trying to get pregnant, somehow falling into a career. Maybe this is all part of a special plan for me.
All my life, I never thought I would work at all when I was a mom. As recently as a year ago, I might have walked away from my job completely once that dream came true. But perhaps that is not what I was destined to do. Perhaps I am supposed to have an outlet in which to do something for others, help provide for my family, and give my husband a portion of the responsibility and privilege of caring for our kids.
When I look back, I first started trying to conceive my senior year of college (2003). The idea was to graduate just before I delivered and to stay at home. Well, of course, that didn't happen and so we came back to the Central Valley and I started looking for a job.
And that's all I wanted, just a job to pay the bills. My idea was to help Ryan through the Police Academy and then go to school (1 class at a time) while I raised my kids. Once they were all grown up, I would have a short career as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
So, I start a job working for a financial planner. A short time into it, he mentions the idea of becoming one myself. He tells me it would have the opportunity of working part-time when my kids were young. I, of course, dismiss it. After all, I already knew how my life was going to go.
Years pass...still no baby. I try out the MFT masters program and decide it's not for me. I begin to consider the idea of financial planning. I decide to give the classes a try. They were difficult, and I have no doubt that if children had come, I may have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, so I kept going.
Over a year goes by and here I sit. Too invested in this career and loving it too much to quit now, I think about how far I have come and where I should go from here. We have been admonished as LDS women to stay home with our kids, and that has always been the plan from the beginning.
In reflection, I can't help but think that this is the way I'm supposed to go. Ryan's career has that alternate schedule which offers me a slight variation on staying home. What about a stay-at-home mom-and/or-dad? With an occasional afternoon with Grandma? Can that really work? I guess time will tell...
I don't know all the answers, but I feel good about where I am. I know that no time is the "perfect" time to start a family, but maybe these last 5 years have not been the right time. Perhaps God knew there were certain things I need to accomplish first. That I needed to get right here, right now and that is why He's waiting. For His "perfect" time, not mine.
My life is not what I imagined it to be...but maybe everything happens for a reason...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Lately...
Well, it's been a while. No posts for 3 months, that might be a record. Life has been busy and I have welcomed the distraction. I have been studying for my CFP test, coming up in about a month. Once that is taken (and passed, hopefully) life should return to "normal", whatever that is. And with that, I know the pain of infertility will rear its ugly head again.
On the baby front, I am feeling quite stuck. I am not sure where to go from here. Supposedly, we should be getting a "rebate" check around May that would almost cover one fertility treatment. The thought of using that check for that purpose is exciting. But, on the other hand, adoption has been on my mind too.
There are people out there who would think me crazy to call it quits on fertility treatments so soon. After all, I am only in "Stage Two" treatments. They are relatively cheap, where fertility treatments are concerned. Seems most adoptions occur after many years and thousands of dollars are spent on treatments. Adoption is the last step for many couples. Here I am, just one step past basic Clomid, and I feel ready to jump to the end.
But it has been nearly 5 years since I began this journey. Perhaps I'm just so ready for a child, that I can not bear any more time "wasted" doing the treatments. Of course, if they work, it wouldn't be time wasted. But if I knew they would work, my answer would be obvious.
I know that I can not solve this dilemma on my own. Prayer is the only answer here. So, as the poem says "I'll pray and calmly wait", which is much easier said than done.
On the baby front, I am feeling quite stuck. I am not sure where to go from here. Supposedly, we should be getting a "rebate" check around May that would almost cover one fertility treatment. The thought of using that check for that purpose is exciting. But, on the other hand, adoption has been on my mind too.
There are people out there who would think me crazy to call it quits on fertility treatments so soon. After all, I am only in "Stage Two" treatments. They are relatively cheap, where fertility treatments are concerned. Seems most adoptions occur after many years and thousands of dollars are spent on treatments. Adoption is the last step for many couples. Here I am, just one step past basic Clomid, and I feel ready to jump to the end.
But it has been nearly 5 years since I began this journey. Perhaps I'm just so ready for a child, that I can not bear any more time "wasted" doing the treatments. Of course, if they work, it wouldn't be time wasted. But if I knew they would work, my answer would be obvious.
I know that I can not solve this dilemma on my own. Prayer is the only answer here. So, as the poem says "I'll pray and calmly wait", which is much easier said than done.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
28 Reasons to Smile
In honor of my 28th birthday (which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year), I have decided to identify "28 Reasons to Smile". In other words, 28 things I am thankful for (although I chose the other title because it just felt so cheerful - and who doesn't need more reasons to smile?).
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Prayer
In church today, the speaker read a little poem that I had heard long ago and had since forgotten. It really spoke to me, and I thought I'd share it.
I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.
- Eliza M. Hickok
I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard,
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing sought
Will come in just the way I thought;
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
Assured that He will grant my quest,
Or send some answer far more blest.
- Eliza M. Hickok
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Ups and Downs
These last few days have been quite the roller coaster. All this time, I have thought that I alone carried the stress and frustration of infertility, while Ryan escaped unscathed. Turns out, I was mistaken. Sparing the details, we came to the point that all of the strain and pressure was too much. And we snapped.
Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…
So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.
In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.
And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.
Although he would like to be a Dad someday, Ryan can’t take much more of the intense emotion that has been sharing space in our marriage for years now. He doesn’t want to see his wife fall apart on a daily basis and, you know, I can’t blame him. I am exhausted with this process as well. The most frustrating thing is that I want to DO SOMETHING, to MAKE PROGRESS, to be PROACTIVE, and our current situation does not allow for that. Because, you see, procreation is expensive for those of us who must pay for it…
So after a couple of talks, we have cleared up our misunderstandings and discussed our differences. Today, I am opening another bank account. I will funnel money there, a little at a time, as I am able. Once I have saved $3500, I will use the first $2000 for sinus surgery (I have to get this done before I can pursue pregnancy). Then, I will use the remaining $1500 for a Gonal-f / IUI treatment.
In the meantime, I will go back-to-basics and pull out that dusty ovulation predictor. Yeah, I know that the doc said my chances are <1%, but people beat the odds all the time. Doctors are good, but God is greater.
And all the while, I will concentrate on being happy. Happy with my husband, my family, my friends, and all those things I am so incredibly blessed to have. And those difficult days that will inevitably come? I’ll unload my feelings here, instead of dumping them on my husband. Because all he wants to do is make them go away. But he can’t.
No one can.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups and downs and sometimes you just want off! But other times, you just throw your hands up and try to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, you are not at the controls.
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