Therapy is going well so far. By that I mean that I feel crappier than ever, but I think that’s a good thing.
My situation is a tricky one. If I was told that I could never have children, I could grieve that loss. It would suck, but at least I’d have answers.
The mystery of my infertility is why I can’t move on. Until I have an answer, I am stuck thinking ‘what if’. The five years of trying without success has taken away my hope, but I feel like I don’t have enough information to justify letting go. It’s quite a conundrum.
Yesterday, ‘N’ (my therapist) suggested to me that I acknowledge the frustration and anger I feel about my situation. I normally just stuff it down and replace it with numbness or sadness. I mentioned that many times I feel like just throwing a tantrum. ‘N’ said, “Well, why don’t you?” I replied, “Because at the end of it, I will still be in the same situation I am in now, only with fewer friends.” Even so, some kind of cathartic release might be beneficial. I am going to give that some thought.
During our conversation, I admitted that much of my anger is directed toward God. I hate even seeing that in writing, but it’s true. I feel so spoiled and ungrateful when I look at all the many blessings in my life and then think about my current attitude. How horrible!
Still, ‘N’ suggested that I explore that. She told a story about her friend who had the opposite problem I have; she was dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. She had a rocky childhood and had no desire to parent. She couldn’t believe this would happen to her and she was angry at God.
‘N’s friend finally ‘had it out with God’. She expressed all those ugly feelings inside. At the end of it all, she was able to accept the pregnancy and her relationship with God became better than ever.
It has been a good two years or more since I have prayed and asked God for a child. Pretty rotten when you think that there are people out there praying for me, and I’m not even doing that for myself. I don’t deserve their prayers. It’s just after years of asking for the same thing, trying to figure out what lessons I am supposed to be learning, trying to have faith with no reward, I just gave up.
So my prayers turned bitter, then angry, and finally stagnant. This is why ‘N’ suggested getting those feelings out. She said God knows me better than I know myself. She said He understands and He can take some anger. Then she said something that struck me, “He probably just misses you”.
And to tell you the truth, I miss Him too. I miss that part of my life. I still have a strong faith in the things I believe; that is unwavering. But I miss the connection, and I am sure the anger I am feeling is the main contributor to that.
It is time to un-stuff that anger. I have a feeling that I won’t come out of it looking very pretty, but hopefully I will feel better. And, (obviously) as I work through this, I won’t write those ugly feelings on here. I have tried to just put everything out there, but this part should probably remain personal.
I can already feel that when this fertility game is all over, I’m going to wish I handled it with more dignity, humility, and grace. Sigh.