Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Un-stuff that anger!

Therapy is going well so far. By that I mean that I feel crappier than ever, but I think that’s a good thing.

My situation is a tricky one. If I was told that I could never have children, I could grieve that loss. It would suck, but at least I’d have answers.

The mystery of my infertility is why I can’t move on. Until I have an answer, I am stuck thinking ‘what if’. The five years of trying without success has taken away my hope, but I feel like I don’t have enough information to justify letting go. It’s quite a conundrum.

Yesterday, ‘N’ (my therapist) suggested to me that I acknowledge the frustration and anger I feel about my situation. I normally just stuff it down and replace it with numbness or sadness. I mentioned that many times I feel like just throwing a tantrum. ‘N’ said, “Well, why don’t you?” I replied, “Because at the end of it, I will still be in the same situation I am in now, only with fewer friends.” Even so, some kind of cathartic release might be beneficial. I am going to give that some thought.

During our conversation, I admitted that much of my anger is directed toward God. I hate even seeing that in writing, but it’s true. I feel so spoiled and ungrateful when I look at all the many blessings in my life and then think about my current attitude. How horrible!

Still, ‘N’ suggested that I explore that. She told a story about her friend who had the opposite problem I have; she was dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. She had a rocky childhood and had no desire to parent. She couldn’t believe this would happen to her and she was angry at God.

‘N’s friend finally ‘had it out with God’. She expressed all those ugly feelings inside. At the end of it all, she was able to accept the pregnancy and her relationship with God became better than ever.

It has been a good two years or more since I have prayed and asked God for a child. Pretty rotten when you think that there are people out there praying for me, and I’m not even doing that for myself. I don’t deserve their prayers. It’s just after years of asking for the same thing, trying to figure out what lessons I am supposed to be learning, trying to have faith with no reward, I just gave up.

So my prayers turned bitter, then angry, and finally stagnant. This is why ‘N’ suggested getting those feelings out. She said God knows me better than I know myself. She said He understands and He can take some anger. Then she said something that struck me, “He probably just misses you”.

And to tell you the truth, I miss Him too. I miss that part of my life. I still have a strong faith in the things I believe; that is unwavering. But I miss the connection, and I am sure the anger I am feeling is the main contributor to that.

It is time to un-stuff that anger. I have a feeling that I won’t come out of it looking very pretty, but hopefully I will feel better. And, (obviously) as I work through this, I won’t write those ugly feelings on here. I have tried to just put everything out there, but this part should probably remain personal.

I can already feel that when this fertility game is all over, I’m going to wish I handled it with more dignity, humility, and grace. Sigh.


Shannon said...

Oh Michelle...I feel like everytime I leave you a comment is says the same thing, but really this time...Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for being so real. I really admire you for sharing this with me (and so many others). Thanks.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Wow. Are you a long lost twin? If I didn't know any better I would have thought you turned back the clock a bit, entered my brain and extracted these thoughts from me. I was exactly where you are now until recently and the battle not to let anger, ugliness and bitterness overcome me was a gargantuan one. Seriously. It goes get better.

I'll also be adding you to my blog reader and will link to this post since it captures so perfectly the challenges we face. Glad you found me...

Anonymous said...

God is big and he has big broad shoulders! And remember endurance is not about looking pretty or even walking across the finish line, sometimes you have to drag your weary body over. I think when this is all done you will be amazed at your strength and your perseverence and you will be proud of the lessons you have learned. Be kind to yourself!

Shelby said...

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for stopping by my site! I have to second that long lost twin part. Not only did we meet and marry our Dhs at the same time, but I'm on cd17, too, lol! (I think, at least within a day or so)

I am so glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself in going to therapy. I was reading an earlier blog and as someone who got their Masters in MFT, I am still quite dense in recognizing my own needs as well. I too understand losing that hope and faith. I think that's the biggest struggle of this whole journey.

Take care! Love your site. :)

Luke and Nat said...

It's amazing when we have those moments of reflection about our attitude or the way we've been living our lives how guilty we feel for not being better, more humble, more faithful, kinder, less depressed, etc...I think you are doing an awesome job of coping with something that is so dang hard, period! For anyone that hasn't gone thru this, they have no idea, they really don't. I have had that same thought thru the years when I was so frustrated I wasn't praying and it seems like at those moments, those around us who are praying for us feel the need to tell us they are praying for us...which only brings guilt...which is really not neccessary in this instance...ya know? I think one of things that I figured out, or promised to myself was that no matter how angry or depressed or sad or jealous, etc...I was that week, I would still pray. Even if the prayer wasn't heart felt or meaningful...I would continue the habit of prayer. Sometimes they were more meaningful than I would have imagined and sometimes they pretty much well, sucked. But I keep praying and I think that has helped me out of some of the anger from up there. I feel differently than you in that I was rarely mad at HF, more at people around me for being insensitive and then dealing with the depression side of me feeling inadequate and letting Luke down...but I do understand what you are saying. I found this quote several months ago, you've prob. already heard it and it's crazy how some quotes will hit you like a brick one day and mean nothing the next...but I love Helen Keller's quote, "Gratitude, So much has been given I have no time to ponder ever that which has been denied." Love, love that quote. It made me realize how much I was missing out on people around me because I often get stuck in my own little world of self pity and have a hard time seeing outside my own box!!! Sad, but true, I know. Keep up the writing, I think it is therapeutic and I really think it helps more and more people see how frustrating this problem really is. Also...last note, I see a therapist too...very helpful, would admit I do to anyone because of the positive affect it has had on Luke and me...I recommend it to anyone...get a therapist! ;) Have a great day, Michelle. kit!

Anonymous said...

Hi Michelle,
I found your blog linked on another's--the title jumped out at me, as we're dealing with the same thing. 3 years of "unexplained" infertility. We both come from very fertile families, and neither one of us have had any health issues that would impact fertility. I can go on with more info and thoughts, but to sum it up, the faith struggle has been hard. I have many of the same thoughts as you. Please write if you like--I'm Melissa Johnson from Clark and Clovis High. I remember hanging out with you and Janet at the dances. :-)
melissahallas at

Furr said...
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