"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face. "
-Thomas S. Monson (April 2008)
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Comfort
Shared in church conference last Sunday:
Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you,
and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light.
Why is it so difficult to give our burdens to Christ? Perhaps it is the tendancy to want to solve it on our own? Perhaps it's pride? Whatever the reason, I hope to keep this scripture close to my heart. What a comfort it is during difficult times.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you,
and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light.
Why is it so difficult to give our burdens to Christ? Perhaps it is the tendancy to want to solve it on our own? Perhaps it's pride? Whatever the reason, I hope to keep this scripture close to my heart. What a comfort it is during difficult times.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
A Glimpse at What Might Have Been
Last week, I went to take the CFP® test. This test was the pinnacle of what I have been working towards for the last year and a half, and the beginning of a career I never expected to have.
But, as I have learned, life doesn’t always turn out how you think it will.
On the morning of the test, I headed out the garage door, bag on my shoulder, preparing to leave for San Jose. Have you ever had one of those moments that feel like a scene in a movie? Like an out of body experience or some kind of slow-motion sequence?
This is what happened to me that morning. Sweatshirt over my arm, keys in my hand, butterflies in my stomach, I walked into the garage and towards my car. The garage door was open and the street was quiet, except for the rattling of four wheels and what can only be described as babbling. I paused in mid-step and looked up only to see myself. Well not me, actually, but what I might have been.
In front of me was a girl my age wearing a sweatsuit, hair tossed up in a messy ponytail. She was pushing a stroller down the sidewalk in front of my house. Inside was a baby of about one year. For a minute, it felt like time stood still. I stared at her, and she looked at me.
I don’t know what she was thinking (probably: why is this lady staring at me?), but I was thinking that she was who I was going to be. Ten, even twenty, years ago if you had asked me to describe who I’d be at 28, I would have described this woman pushing her child in a stroller. I would not have described the woman, bag over her shoulder, career in the making, staring at her.
It felt like an eternity, but soon she was gone. I opened the trunk and put my bag inside. I got in the car and put the key in the ignition. I waited for the tears, but they never came. Perhaps I’m not completely hollow after all. Perhaps there’s a part of my heart that is empty, but another part that is okay with who I am and where I am at.
And perhaps, someday, I’ll be pushing my baby down the street and realize I actually recognize myself after all.
But, as I have learned, life doesn’t always turn out how you think it will.
On the morning of the test, I headed out the garage door, bag on my shoulder, preparing to leave for San Jose. Have you ever had one of those moments that feel like a scene in a movie? Like an out of body experience or some kind of slow-motion sequence?
This is what happened to me that morning. Sweatshirt over my arm, keys in my hand, butterflies in my stomach, I walked into the garage and towards my car. The garage door was open and the street was quiet, except for the rattling of four wheels and what can only be described as babbling. I paused in mid-step and looked up only to see myself. Well not me, actually, but what I might have been.
In front of me was a girl my age wearing a sweatsuit, hair tossed up in a messy ponytail. She was pushing a stroller down the sidewalk in front of my house. Inside was a baby of about one year. For a minute, it felt like time stood still. I stared at her, and she looked at me.
I don’t know what she was thinking (probably: why is this lady staring at me?), but I was thinking that she was who I was going to be. Ten, even twenty, years ago if you had asked me to describe who I’d be at 28, I would have described this woman pushing her child in a stroller. I would not have described the woman, bag over her shoulder, career in the making, staring at her.
It felt like an eternity, but soon she was gone. I opened the trunk and put my bag inside. I got in the car and put the key in the ignition. I waited for the tears, but they never came. Perhaps I’m not completely hollow after all. Perhaps there’s a part of my heart that is empty, but another part that is okay with who I am and where I am at.
And perhaps, someday, I’ll be pushing my baby down the street and realize I actually recognize myself after all.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Our Strength
We know not all that lies ahead of us. We live in a world of uncertainty. For some, there will be great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health, and gracious living. For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know.
But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith.
In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith.
In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
Saturday, March 8, 2008
"Everything happens for a reason..."
Does everything happen for a reason? Even though I hate when people tell me this, thinking these thoughts provides comfort through tough times. But is it really true?
Last week I went to lunch with a friend, during which she was talking about working part-time while being a mom. I was interested, as this is my plan as well. She mentioned that working outside the home for a certain time each week is really good for her. She never realized it before she had kids, but staying home with them all the time would not have suited her personality. She would have struggled and felt resentful and the kids would have suffered for that.
There have been some great side benefits too. Because her husband works as a fireman with an alternating schedule, they are both able to participate fairly equally in raising the child. Baby is usually with either mom, dad, or both. She was nervous the first time she left the baby with dad only for a while, but doing so has been wonderful for him and the baby. He may be one of few dads out there who is completely comfortable feeding, changing, comforting, and playing with his son. They now share a special bond, just the two of them.
As she was describing this, something hit me. Maybe I wasn't just killing time trying to get pregnant, somehow falling into a career. Maybe this is all part of a special plan for me.
All my life, I never thought I would work at all when I was a mom. As recently as a year ago, I might have walked away from my job completely once that dream came true. But perhaps that is not what I was destined to do. Perhaps I am supposed to have an outlet in which to do something for others, help provide for my family, and give my husband a portion of the responsibility and privilege of caring for our kids.
When I look back, I first started trying to conceive my senior year of college (2003). The idea was to graduate just before I delivered and to stay at home. Well, of course, that didn't happen and so we came back to the Central Valley and I started looking for a job.
And that's all I wanted, just a job to pay the bills. My idea was to help Ryan through the Police Academy and then go to school (1 class at a time) while I raised my kids. Once they were all grown up, I would have a short career as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
So, I start a job working for a financial planner. A short time into it, he mentions the idea of becoming one myself. He tells me it would have the opportunity of working part-time when my kids were young. I, of course, dismiss it. After all, I already knew how my life was going to go.
Years pass...still no baby. I try out the MFT masters program and decide it's not for me. I begin to consider the idea of financial planning. I decide to give the classes a try. They were difficult, and I have no doubt that if children had come, I may have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, so I kept going.
Over a year goes by and here I sit. Too invested in this career and loving it too much to quit now, I think about how far I have come and where I should go from here. We have been admonished as LDS women to stay home with our kids, and that has always been the plan from the beginning.
In reflection, I can't help but think that this is the way I'm supposed to go. Ryan's career has that alternate schedule which offers me a slight variation on staying home. What about a stay-at-home mom-and/or-dad? With an occasional afternoon with Grandma? Can that really work? I guess time will tell...
I don't know all the answers, but I feel good about where I am. I know that no time is the "perfect" time to start a family, but maybe these last 5 years have not been the right time. Perhaps God knew there were certain things I need to accomplish first. That I needed to get right here, right now and that is why He's waiting. For His "perfect" time, not mine.
My life is not what I imagined it to be...but maybe everything happens for a reason...
Last week I went to lunch with a friend, during which she was talking about working part-time while being a mom. I was interested, as this is my plan as well. She mentioned that working outside the home for a certain time each week is really good for her. She never realized it before she had kids, but staying home with them all the time would not have suited her personality. She would have struggled and felt resentful and the kids would have suffered for that.
There have been some great side benefits too. Because her husband works as a fireman with an alternating schedule, they are both able to participate fairly equally in raising the child. Baby is usually with either mom, dad, or both. She was nervous the first time she left the baby with dad only for a while, but doing so has been wonderful for him and the baby. He may be one of few dads out there who is completely comfortable feeding, changing, comforting, and playing with his son. They now share a special bond, just the two of them.
As she was describing this, something hit me. Maybe I wasn't just killing time trying to get pregnant, somehow falling into a career. Maybe this is all part of a special plan for me.
All my life, I never thought I would work at all when I was a mom. As recently as a year ago, I might have walked away from my job completely once that dream came true. But perhaps that is not what I was destined to do. Perhaps I am supposed to have an outlet in which to do something for others, help provide for my family, and give my husband a portion of the responsibility and privilege of caring for our kids.
When I look back, I first started trying to conceive my senior year of college (2003). The idea was to graduate just before I delivered and to stay at home. Well, of course, that didn't happen and so we came back to the Central Valley and I started looking for a job.
And that's all I wanted, just a job to pay the bills. My idea was to help Ryan through the Police Academy and then go to school (1 class at a time) while I raised my kids. Once they were all grown up, I would have a short career as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
So, I start a job working for a financial planner. A short time into it, he mentions the idea of becoming one myself. He tells me it would have the opportunity of working part-time when my kids were young. I, of course, dismiss it. After all, I already knew how my life was going to go.
Years pass...still no baby. I try out the MFT masters program and decide it's not for me. I begin to consider the idea of financial planning. I decide to give the classes a try. They were difficult, and I have no doubt that if children had come, I may have thrown in the towel, but they didn't, so I kept going.
Over a year goes by and here I sit. Too invested in this career and loving it too much to quit now, I think about how far I have come and where I should go from here. We have been admonished as LDS women to stay home with our kids, and that has always been the plan from the beginning.
In reflection, I can't help but think that this is the way I'm supposed to go. Ryan's career has that alternate schedule which offers me a slight variation on staying home. What about a stay-at-home mom-and/or-dad? With an occasional afternoon with Grandma? Can that really work? I guess time will tell...
I don't know all the answers, but I feel good about where I am. I know that no time is the "perfect" time to start a family, but maybe these last 5 years have not been the right time. Perhaps God knew there were certain things I need to accomplish first. That I needed to get right here, right now and that is why He's waiting. For His "perfect" time, not mine.
My life is not what I imagined it to be...but maybe everything happens for a reason...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Lately...
Well, it's been a while. No posts for 3 months, that might be a record. Life has been busy and I have welcomed the distraction. I have been studying for my CFP test, coming up in about a month. Once that is taken (and passed, hopefully) life should return to "normal", whatever that is. And with that, I know the pain of infertility will rear its ugly head again.
On the baby front, I am feeling quite stuck. I am not sure where to go from here. Supposedly, we should be getting a "rebate" check around May that would almost cover one fertility treatment. The thought of using that check for that purpose is exciting. But, on the other hand, adoption has been on my mind too.
There are people out there who would think me crazy to call it quits on fertility treatments so soon. After all, I am only in "Stage Two" treatments. They are relatively cheap, where fertility treatments are concerned. Seems most adoptions occur after many years and thousands of dollars are spent on treatments. Adoption is the last step for many couples. Here I am, just one step past basic Clomid, and I feel ready to jump to the end.
But it has been nearly 5 years since I began this journey. Perhaps I'm just so ready for a child, that I can not bear any more time "wasted" doing the treatments. Of course, if they work, it wouldn't be time wasted. But if I knew they would work, my answer would be obvious.
I know that I can not solve this dilemma on my own. Prayer is the only answer here. So, as the poem says "I'll pray and calmly wait", which is much easier said than done.
On the baby front, I am feeling quite stuck. I am not sure where to go from here. Supposedly, we should be getting a "rebate" check around May that would almost cover one fertility treatment. The thought of using that check for that purpose is exciting. But, on the other hand, adoption has been on my mind too.
There are people out there who would think me crazy to call it quits on fertility treatments so soon. After all, I am only in "Stage Two" treatments. They are relatively cheap, where fertility treatments are concerned. Seems most adoptions occur after many years and thousands of dollars are spent on treatments. Adoption is the last step for many couples. Here I am, just one step past basic Clomid, and I feel ready to jump to the end.
But it has been nearly 5 years since I began this journey. Perhaps I'm just so ready for a child, that I can not bear any more time "wasted" doing the treatments. Of course, if they work, it wouldn't be time wasted. But if I knew they would work, my answer would be obvious.
I know that I can not solve this dilemma on my own. Prayer is the only answer here. So, as the poem says "I'll pray and calmly wait", which is much easier said than done.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
28 Reasons to Smile
In honor of my 28th birthday (which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving this year), I have decided to identify "28 Reasons to Smile". In other words, 28 things I am thankful for (although I chose the other title because it just felt so cheerful - and who doesn't need more reasons to smile?).
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
It is so important to remember your blessings, especially when times are tough, so I thought I'd throw a link to my "28 Reasons" on this Fertility Blog, so that I can remind myself what blessings I truly do have.
28 REASONS TO SMILE
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