Wednesday, August 4, 2010

(Don’t) Gimme a Break!

So, I know in my infertility Game Plan I said that we would take a break between treatment cycles. One month on, one month off, assuming we could afford it.

I have decided to alter the game plan.

As I am coming up on the end of this cycle, I contemplate the idea that this month’s treatment will be a failure. This very real thought makes my heart sink and my throat constrict. I can literally feel the devastation hovering over me. The thought that I will have to live in that devastation for an entire month while I wait for the next treatment cycle is unbearable.

We have the money now. I have left-over medication that will make this next cycle a bit cheaper. Why wait?

Although the treatment process is taxing and exhausting, there is something else I feel while going through it. Hope. I have felt hope so strong for the first time in years, and I am addicted. I just can’t pack it away for a whole month unnecessarily.

The nice thing about an IUI treatment cycle is the process literally starts on Day 1. If I find out this month failed, I will be back in the saddle again within a few days. That kind of distraction is priceless.

Deep in the back of my mind, I know that refusing to take a break now could result in a longer, forced break next time. Most people (including us) can’t afford to do this every month for an extended time. But, the optimistic side of me thinks if I get pregnant next time, it won’t matter that the IF well has run dry. That being said...

On with the show!

P.S. Early response pregnancy tests are the devil!!!! >:-(


Susie Demke said...

Yes, they are. I've haven't had luck with those. Well more like- accuracy. Each "early response" gave me a negative that turned into a positive right around the time I should have been taking them. Don't get discouraged yet.
PS. I think your new plan is a good plan.
Love love love and positive thoughts are being directed your way.

Tami said...

I know what you mean about treatments. We started them 5 and a half years after trying naturally. And I remember that hope. That idea of it possibly being this month. Where as before we just knew it would never happen on its own.
I hope your time is just around the corner. :)

Luna said...

I think sometimes it is best to go with the flow and not follow a plan. I am a planner, so sometimes it can be hard, but sometimes it is nice to have a plan.... and then giggle when you bend the rules a bit.

Stephanie said...

I found you (early) through ICLW. :) I am having my first IUI in about two weeks and I had the thought that I would take a break between each cycle too. But after reading your post I totally agree that the waiting would be horrible and why not keep pushing forward with hope!