Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Reason Why

For several reasons, yesterday was a long and emotional day. Now, with the clarity of a good night’s sleep and some deep soul searching, I think I have found the primary reason the statements in my post below hurt so much (i.e., ‘Enjoy ______ now, because you won’t get to do it when you have kids.’).

It has nothing to do with the person saying it. It is something inside me that breaks when I hear those things. And while I do, 100%, agree with what I wrote that day, I think the true pain lies much deeper.

I am a busy gal, but with a husband who works nights and most weekends/holidays, there is a lot of time spent alone. There was a time when I would spend most of that time crying or simply sitting on the couch staring into space for hours. During that time, I found no joy in the things I used to love. I was depressed.

Now I feel better, and I have re-discovered those things I enjoy. I have filled up lonely holidays or Friday nights with cooking or baking or writing or scrapbooking or any of the other activities I forgot I loved. I feel like a person again.

So when someone reminds me that I only have time to do these things because I don’t have children, it’s like ripping a scab off an open wound. I would love to be taking my kids to the park on a holiday (or even nagging them to clean their room!) or making pizzas and watching a movie on a Friday night. But I don’t have those options. I am trying to make the best of what I have.

I do enjoy sleeping in on a Saturday, or reading a book on a Sunday afternoon. I am sorry if that makes moms feel jealous. But while they are jealous of those free hours I get, I yearn on an hourly basis for the lives they are living.

A person commented in the post below that things are difficult as a mom. She mentioned that you are now tied to someone else’s schedule, money is tighter, nerves are more raw. What she isn’t realizing is that I am already living that life in my own way.

Have you ever spent six years “scheduling” sex, and seen what that does to a marriage? Have you ever excused yourself from a business meeting at a specific time to go to the bathroom and give yourself a shot in the stomach? And then try to return as if nothing happened? Have you ever filled yourself full of hormones and experienced what that does to nerves? Undergone surgery only to find no answers? Let someone stick needles all over your body as you lay there choking tears back because you feel this is your last hope? Spent thousands of dollars trying to become a mom to no avail? Understood that it will cost $12,000 for a treatment that has a greater chance of not working, than working? Seen friends of yours wait years for a birth mother to choose them for adoption and wonder if that will be you too?

I have experienced all these things and more. I guarantee I have been tied to schedules, money’s been tight, and nerves have been raw. I am not saying my path is any more difficult than anyone else’s. In fact, I know my battle is a small one compared to others I have seen. Even so, just as the commenter said, everyone is fighting their own battle.

I don’t need to be reminded that my life is different than most married women my age. I don’t need to be reminded how my life would be different with children. I have spent hours on my knees begging to experience it for myself. I am trying to move on.

And that is the reason these statements hurt.


Savannah said...

I am so sorry that someone left a comment that was hurtful. Of course my deepest wish is to become a mother, but my next wish would be to make everyone understand how hard infertility is. I've had moments just like you where I sit with no will to do anything. My life felt pointless without children. It took YEARS to re-discover myself. I started doing things I always like to do, but I also discovered new things to enjoy. I hope that those discoveries can continue after I become a mom.
Please don't let these nay sayers get you down. Skip over (and delete if you want) their negative comments. They don't know you or your struggles. I think that unless someone has experienced infertility, they have no right to comment/make suggestions to me. They don't really know the pain it brings to my daily life.
Don't let this keep you down. Infertility is miserable enough without help from outsiders.

Savannah said...

Hi again! There is a video on YouTube about infertility. You can find the link on my blog at It talks about adoption too, but the main message is that infertility doesn't make us any less of a woman. It's not really my style, but I love the message. Sometimes I need a reminder I am still a woman.

Shelly said...

Loved your post -- you said everything I feel. ...though I wish I were to the stage of re-discovering myself and my favorite things. It's hard to pull yourself out of the slump when every 30 days leads to the death of yet another dream for a family... i'm sure you understand that. I'm glad to know that you eventually can make it past all that and re-capture yourself though. That gives me hope.

Hillary said...

Sitting here in tears because you put my weekly, daily, hourly thoughts into words. Amen. Although I'm sure motherhood is difficult, stressful, tiring, busy, etc., I want it more than anything else in the world. I want to be exhausted because I've been up all night with my fussy newborn. I want to be stressed about helping my child with her school project. I want to be busy running my children around to all of their activities.

I want all of these things--I beg for it daily--yet I can't. I know that mothers envy us for our perceived freedom, but guess what? Infertility in general--not to mention doctors appointments, shots, treatments, surgeries, scheduled sex, depression, arguments over money being tight due to treatments, wondering when to say "when" on spending $ on treatments, baby showers, fielding rude/ignorant comments, etc. are anything but freeing!

You're right about everyone having his/her own battle. And maybe the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. But just once, I'd really like to be on that side of the fence.

Jenn said...

I appreciate your posts so much. I don't think anyone but someone who has dealt with infertility can understand how hurtful those comments are. Keep your head up.

Brittany said...

This is really beautifully written. Thank you for helping me understand infertility better and making me more compassionate. For someone who uses words so wonderfully, it makes complete sense that words are the thing that can hurt you the most. Love you...