Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mother's Day: Take 6

So, Mother’s Day… You would think after 5 previous heart-breaking Mother’s Days, I’d be used to it by now! Well, this one was better than some, and I made it through alright. I had one tiny breakdown in the shower, but the day seemed to get better as time progressed.

The following is a memoir of my day. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Notice how the good completely outweighs the bad…

The Good:
- Having my parents over that evening for dessert.
- Giving my mom a card and a poem.
- Having my mom alive, healthy, and able to celebrate with me.
- Avoiding having to stand there with all the ‘real’ moms at church to accept my “Mother’s Day treat”
- My Bishop saving me a “Mother’s Day treat”, finding me in the hallway to give it to me, and offering words of encouragement.
- Getting to be in Sunday School and the Young Women’s classes. The Sunday School lesson was on the Sabbath Day and the YW lesson was on the Priesthood. No ‘Mom’ references anywhere! Last year, I was in Primary, helping the kids make something for their moms and answering their questions about why I’m not a mom, even though I’m old. (Good luck explaining infertility to a 7-year-old!)
- Taking my usual Sunday nap, and wondering how many moms actually get to do that on Sundays.
- Emails and cards from dear friends who were thinking about me. People who asked how I was doing. You know who you are. That was above and beyond. It’s nice not to be completely ignored on Mother’s Day!
- Did I mention the “Mother’s Day treat” was See’s Candy???

The Bad:
- Almost having to teach the young women’s lesson last minute. I had horrid visions flash before my eyes that the topic would be Motherhood.
- Carrying anxiety that at any moment someone could say something that would make me lose it.
- Having to answer, “No, I’m not a mom” to the people who asked.
- The general feeling of bitterness that I kept swallowing down all day, and the guilt that comes from such a feeling.

The Ugly:
- Logging into Facebook to see page after page of friends wishing other “mommy friends” a happy Mother’s Day. Not to take away from their celebration, it was just hard reading about the sweet things their children were doing for them. Made me excited for the future, but sad for the present.

So there is the breakdown. Not too shabby!

A couple years ago, there was a total meltdown that led to the breaking of a COMMANDMENT in the frantic search of solace. As LDS church members, we believe in keeping the Sabbath Day holy. Part of that is not shopping, going out to eat, etc on Sunday. Well, that Mother’s Day was so bad, as I was sobbing in the front seat, Ryan drove me straight to Baskin Robbins. When I looked up and wondered why we were there, he simply said, “Get out of the car. We’re getting ice cream.” The poor guy didn’t know what else to do with me!

As I said, I’ve had worse. This one, not so bad! Maybe they’ll get better over time?

Only 363 days until I find out! Let the countdown to next Mother's Day begin…


This Mother’s Day post will be continued. I have been having some interesting thoughts about Mother’s Day, and certain holidays in general, which I plan to share at a later time.


Ashley said...

if it makes you feel better, my husband drove me two hours last sunday to buy me a puppy to make this mother's day a little bit easier.

hang in there. :)

Amalia Cutts said...

I've been following your blog for a while now, which was recommended by a friend who is also struggling with infertility. My husband and I have been trying for 4 years this month and to read your blog, especially the Mother's Day blog, helps me stay in "check". Thank you so much. I want you to know that I look to your blog for comfort.

theworms said...

Here from ICLW. Mother's Day is rough, you got through it.

(((HUGS))) GL on your journey.

Jaymee said...

here from ILCW.

after 13 years of mother's days without being a mother i feel like a pro. only it has never gotten any easier. i have learned to deal with it a bit better, but i still wake on that sunday and may and wish that i could just sleep through the day. while i am so happy to have my mother and grandmothers to celebrate with, i just want to be celebrated.

for years i have said that mother's day should be called woman's day. we are all mothers in our own way.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm glad your mother's day was better then the last. I'm sorry you hurt at all. If only a virtual comment was as good as a real hug. Since that's all I've got for you, I wish you accept it and it fills you with SO much warmth!

Lemons said...

I just want to tell you a sincere thank you for sharing your feelings. I have been following your blog for a few months now, and sometimes I feel like blogs like yours are all I have to turn to. My hubbie and I have been trying for almost 4 years now and I too deal with depression. I so appreciate the things you share and your faith. On a night like tonight where I'm trying to keep the tears back, I am so, so grateful I have people like you to turn to, even though we don't technically know each other! :)

Thank you!

P.S. I love these You Tube videos you've posted, but I am so clueless about how to get a You Tube video to work on blogger...any hints? Thanks.