Wednesday, March 18, 2009

This is how some hubbys comfort their wife...

Sometimes, I complain to Ryan about our infertility. Many of these times, I will wish he had responded differently to my complaints. I have seen and heard stories of how other men had supported their wives, and wished Ryan could react in that way.

Over time though, I have learned that Ryan's method of support is (most of the time) exactly what I need. Although I think I want to be babied and coddled, what I actually need is to laugh.

Last night, we had a dinner for the ladies in my church. I was at a table with all the young moms. I, of course, was the only one there who wasn't a mom. We played a game in which we had to find a woman in the room who matched different criteria. I was mistaken (as I usually am) as a 'newlywed', or 'someone married less than 2 years'. People thought I would match that criteria. Why? Because I have no children, people automatically assume that I am newly married. Over time it's become quite amusing to see their face when I tell them it will actually be 9 years in August.

Anyway, I digress.

I had a fun time last night, really I did! But I still came home a little blue. Sometimes it's hard to be so different from everyone else in my age group.

I was expressing this to Ryan while he was on his way out of the house to leave for work. As he was climbing in the car he paused, and said in a firm voice,

"Go in there, put your PJs on, turn on the Food Network, relax on the couch, and think about all those moms out there trying to get their kids to just go to sleep!"

So... I did!

And that, my friends, is how some hubbys comfort their wife. :)

12 comments:

Meka said...

Aww what a cute thing to say! I hated that about not being a mom, everyone assumes you are a no nothing newlywed when really you've been married longer the most of them probably! I think the hard thing for me at least was really believing I was of just as much worth as the women with lots of kids.

Jennifer said...

Hi...I came across your blog last week while researching infertility. My husband and I have been married for four years...trying to conceive for over a year and found out last week that the chances of us conceiving are unlikely. Your blog is a Godsend...makes me feel not as alone in this journey. God bless you and I'll be praying for you! Thanks for sharing!

Jennifer said...

I can totally relate - I often get frustrated when my husband doesn't respond to me the way I think he should. It's amazing how different what we want can be from what we actually need. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your quality time with the Food Network! I find Paula Deen cures most ills. (ICLW)

Michelle said...

I can so relate to this. You hubby sounds like a great man and a lot like my DH. Good Luck to you!

Luke and Nat said...

Does it make things worse to know that even after the first token kid, I still get put in the "not enough kids" category? I totally thought 1 was enough to curb the awful, hurtful categories problem...um, no! Esp. in my neighborhood! :( Most of the girls in my neighborhood my age have 3 or 4 or even 5.) So just when I think I am in the "club"...I get ALL the time...oh, just wait till you have more. OR you don't know what it's like until you have more than 1. OR I really can't watch your kid, I have x amount of kids, just wait till you have more than 1and you'll know what I mean...etc. Ugh! Michelle, I really don't think it ever ends. I REALLY try hard not to use the same "club" lingo with anyone...it never seems to end...depressing as that is. I ask Luke every once in a while when I will finally be in the "club". My struggle and goal is to not want to be in the "club"...and not caring what people say...
I'm at 7 yrs and I get "only 1 child?" a lot. I also get "2 kids in 1 yr? Wow, you are going to have your hands full!" Ummm, yeah, when you wait 6 yrs to have kids, any child is welcome, however close they are...I'll take whatever I can get and whatever HF wants to send my way...
I'm rambling, sorry you got put in that category, that sucks. So good to have a great BF in a husband, eh? If anything, doesn't the trial of infertility make you glad that HF put you with the partner he did? It does me, I don't know what I would do without Luke! :)

Amy Nielson said...

The question about you being a newlywed bothered me too, even though it wasn't directed at me. I think I get too wrapped up in what my friends are going through sometimes. :) I'm really glad you came to the Enrichment.

Shannon said...

I love it. I miss Ryan's humor. Boy did he make us laugh back in high school.

Luna said...

Ryan is SOOOOO funny. What a gift he has, both in you and in humor. But honestly, not having kids is probably only part of the reason you are mistaken for newlyweds. You and Ryan both look so young, and that is a compliment.

Malinda said...

that is awesome and sounds almost exactly like what my husband might say to me! Just found your blog today...

here is the one I keep secret... not sure why but I will only share it through a comment minname.blogspot.com

James and Kresta said...

Doesn't it bug you that you are always classified as a newlywed because you don't have kids!! We get so tired of that!! You have an awesome husband!! It sure helps to have someone like him to help you through the rough patches. I hope you are doing well.

Anonymous said...

I wish someone could teach my husband how to say something comforting. We've been married nearly 5 years, all my married friends have babies already despite being married for less time than I have. Despite trying for a baby for what seems like an eternity, I simply can't get pregnant and my husband just shrugs and says that sometimes it takes years - like that actually helps??!! He refuses to go to the doctor or be part of fertility treatment and refuses to consider adoption. The only way he wants a baby is if he gets me pregnant but refuses to accept that maybe we need some help. I've reached the point of absolute despair; I just go through the motions but I stopped enjoying sex with him years ago. There's so little left of me now that even if I did miraculously get pregnant, what kind of mother would I be? The kind of woman who accepts being tormented for years instead of having the strength to go to a doctor and get help.

RMCarter said...

Anonymous - I am sorry that your hubby is not giving you the support you need right now. I went through years, too, where I wanted to start a family soooo bad I was in despair, and Ryan was ambivalent about it. There were many times he flat out told me he was "tired of hearing about it" and "tired of a wife that was always crying". I think that it is really, really hard for a man to see someone he loves hurt so much and not be able to 'fix' it. There is also probably a part of him that is scared to death that he has a fertility problem and could be the 'cause' of your pain. So, to fight those feelings off, they are ambivalent.

Sometimes infertility is just about waiting. Waiting for a baby, yes. But sometimes it is about waiting for your partner to see things the way you do. He may never fully get there but you just put your head down and plow through anyway. At some point, the hope is, he'll see it from your side. After six years, my hubby is just starting to get there. It's been slow, but there is progress. I pray that day comes soon for you!

Again, I am sorry you have to go through this at all. Infertility sucks.

FAITH IN GOD MEANS HAVING FAITH IN HIS TIMING.