Okay, so I almost didn't document this, but I thought 'why not?'. I've already shared (most of) my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, no matter how pitiful, amusing, or embarrassing they were... what's one more?
Only this one probably takes the cake, as they say. So, here goes. (And it's okay to laugh - I did at one point.)
I blame it all on that 20/20 television show. I watched it last Friday night. It was called "Extreme Motherhood" or something like that. A portion of the show focused on women who wanted to be mothers, but never got the chance. These women carry around a (for lack of a better word) doll, as if it were a child.
In their defense, the doll looks very life-like (I think they are called 're-borns'), but it is just a doll. Regardless, these women diaper, dress, hold and cuddle these dolls. They take them out shopping, push them in strollers, strap them in car seats, and the list goes on.
Truthfully, I think it's a little odd, but who am I to judge how someone copes with sadness and loss? Especially after what happened later that night. This is where it gets ridiculous.
So 20/20 and its feature on "Extreme Motherhood" concludes and I head off to bed. That night, I had a dream...
I was talking with Ryan (I'm not sure where we were), and out of the corner of my eye, I see my cat (you read that right: my cat) running by, doing flips, rolling on the ground, trying to get my attention. I just ignore him, as Ryan and I are deep in conversation.
At the same time, I am hearing a voice calling "Mama, hey, look over here!" "Look over here, Mama!" I ignore that too, figuring it is some kid nearby calling to his mom. (Do you see where I am going with this???)
Soon, however, I realize it is Cosmo (yes, my cat) calling to me.
I start to sob. Was it because I discovered my cat could talk - thereby guaranteeing I would qualify for a spot on 'stupid pet tricks' and get to meet David Letterman???
No. It was because I was so desperate to be called a mother, it didn't matter who (or what) was saying it. To hear it felt so good, I couldn't contain myself.
Luckily, I woke up at that point. Very confused, slightly embarrassed, and feeling pretty pathetic. At least now I can laugh at it!