FOUR years ago this month, I threw away my birth control pills for good. Why not? I was nine months from graduation at Long Beach State and I wanted nothing more than to receive my degree in psychology moments before I stepped into the world of motherhood.
It was all planned perfectly. I would have my degree, my sign to the world that I accomplished something great for myself, and then become a mother, my sign to myself that I hadn’t forgotten the true measure of my creation.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was embarking on another kind of education… a second Bachelor’s of sorts. Unlike my psychology degree, this course of study would test me physically, emotionally, and spiritually in a way public education never could.
There were many things to learn and skills to acquire. Some of my minor degrees have been:
Anatomy (I could map the human reproductive system blindfolded)
Pharmacology (expert on Clomid vs. Gonal-f)
Human relations (inventive answers to the unintentionally insensitive questions I’m asked)
Performing arts (acting like the aforementioned questions don’t bother me)
Accounting (creative ways to scrape together fertility treatment money)
Psychology (talking myself into functioning normally when all I want to do is climb in to bed, pull the covers over my head, and disappear)
I have also worked to improve my patience, optimism, hopefulness, and compassion. I haven’t always received an “A” in these subjects, but I continue to try.
It’s been a struggle. Sometimes I would be flooded with understanding and confidence and other times I would feel like a shell of a person, completely empty inside. One minute I would feel a great appreciation for my many blessings and the next minute, for the first time in my life, I would be angry at God.
So, I have my Bachelor’s Degree, now what? Well, my education is not over. The question is where will it lead me from here? Is it time to specialize in aggressive reproductive technologies? At which point do I cut my losses, switch majors, and study adoption? When do I give up the dream of wearing my own version of the cap and gown: cruising through the baby department rather than avoiding it, picking out nursery colors, fantasizing about holding little “Jack” or “Katelyn”?
My feelings are much different now than when I obtained my psychology degree. There is not as much pride or sense of accomplishment with this milestone. Mostly, it’s just sadness. Sadness for myself, sadness for time lost, just sadness. But, even so, it is a milestone in this journey we call life and as such, I feel it deserves acknowledgement, as painful as that may be.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Day One and We're Stalled...
Today is Day One. While there's no surprise that the "natural method" once again yielded no results, the surprise lies in the fact that our progress has stalled. Sigh...
The plan was to call the Doctor's office tomorrow, have a preliminary ultrasound, and start the shot treatments. However, recently Ryan has been struggling in his police training. While he's determined not to quit, his career is feeling less than stable to me at the moment. Although I have the money saved up for the first round of shots, I think it would be irresponsible to aggressively pursue getting pregnant when I am feeling so unsure about the status of our future finances. When the day finally comes that I do get pregnant, I want to feel joy and gratitude, not stress and worry that I will not be able to give my baby everything she needs.
Even though I am incredibly disappointed, I feel comfortable with this decision. I feel proud that I am making the responsible choice and not the selfish one that I wish I could make. Good mothers put their children's interest before their own. I guess it's never too early to start.
The plan was to call the Doctor's office tomorrow, have a preliminary ultrasound, and start the shot treatments. However, recently Ryan has been struggling in his police training. While he's determined not to quit, his career is feeling less than stable to me at the moment. Although I have the money saved up for the first round of shots, I think it would be irresponsible to aggressively pursue getting pregnant when I am feeling so unsure about the status of our future finances. When the day finally comes that I do get pregnant, I want to feel joy and gratitude, not stress and worry that I will not be able to give my baby everything she needs.
Even though I am incredibly disappointed, I feel comfortable with this decision. I feel proud that I am making the responsible choice and not the selfish one that I wish I could make. Good mothers put their children's interest before their own. I guess it's never too early to start.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Post-Op Appointment & Blood Work
On Monday, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Synn. As expected, the surgery did not find anything that would be affecting my fertility.
I got to see pictures of my insides. That was pretty cool. The only item that was out of the ordinary was a string of scar tissue behind my uterus. This was snipped off and removed.
Other than that, there was absolutely nothing the Doctor was interested in. So, he ran dye through my tubes (both were clear, the right one was a tad slow), scraped out my uterus, and sewed me back up!
So, everything inside me is "Frustratingly Perfect". Pretty much sums up my entire infertile existence! Nothing wrong... everything's textbook... no pregnancy. I guess when they say "unexplained" infertility, they really have no explanation.
Speaking of which, we re-ran certain tests of my Cycle Day 3 blood work. My 2004 numbers in comparison with 2007:
TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone: Mid-range normal in most labs is about 1.7)
2004: 1.59
2007: N/A
FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate.)
2004: 5.0
2007: 4.3
LH (Luteinizing Hormone: A normal LH level is similar to FSH)
2004: 3.7
2007: 2.6
Prolactin (Normal is < 24. Increased prolactin levels can interfere with ovulation.)
2004: 6
2007: N/A
Estradiol (Normal is 25 - 75. Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating.)
2004: 51
2007: 65
All of my numbers are within the normal range. The weird thing is the tests show I have more, better quality eggs now than 3 years ago. Hmmm...
The update is as follows, we went ahead and tried to conceive this month using the "old school" method (my trusty ovulation monitor and good ol' fashioned baby-dancing). The Doc says there's less than 1% chance of conceiving this way, but who cares?! It was worth a shot.
Once cycle Day 1 of my next cycle hits (which it inevitably will, I'm sure), I will go in for an ultrasound to check that everything is good to go. Then I order my shots and that's when the fun begins!
I got to see pictures of my insides. That was pretty cool. The only item that was out of the ordinary was a string of scar tissue behind my uterus. This was snipped off and removed.
Other than that, there was absolutely nothing the Doctor was interested in. So, he ran dye through my tubes (both were clear, the right one was a tad slow), scraped out my uterus, and sewed me back up!
So, everything inside me is "Frustratingly Perfect". Pretty much sums up my entire infertile existence! Nothing wrong... everything's textbook... no pregnancy. I guess when they say "unexplained" infertility, they really have no explanation.
Speaking of which, we re-ran certain tests of my Cycle Day 3 blood work. My 2004 numbers in comparison with 2007:
TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone: Mid-range normal in most labs is about 1.7)
2004: 1.59
2007: N/A
FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate.)
2004: 5.0
2007: 4.3
LH (Luteinizing Hormone: A normal LH level is similar to FSH)
2004: 3.7
2007: 2.6
Prolactin (Normal is < 24. Increased prolactin levels can interfere with ovulation.)
2004: 6
2007: N/A
Estradiol (Normal is 25 - 75. Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating.)
2004: 51
2007: 65
All of my numbers are within the normal range. The weird thing is the tests show I have more, better quality eggs now than 3 years ago. Hmmm...
The update is as follows, we went ahead and tried to conceive this month using the "old school" method (my trusty ovulation monitor and good ol' fashioned baby-dancing). The Doc says there's less than 1% chance of conceiving this way, but who cares?! It was worth a shot.
Once cycle Day 1 of my next cycle hits (which it inevitably will, I'm sure), I will go in for an ultrasound to check that everything is good to go. Then I order my shots and that's when the fun begins!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Infertility...in a song
This was passed along to me by a friend who shares my same struggle. It’s a glimpse inside the world of infertility...
Anyone who has lived inside that world will relate to the words of this song (and may want to grab a kleenex before watching the video - I learned that the hard way).
Anyone who has lived inside that world will relate to the words of this song (and may want to grab a kleenex before watching the video - I learned that the hard way).
Friday, June 15, 2007
Ouch! The Surgery.
Preparing for surgery: What an adventure this was. From IV holes in my hands to the “support hose” on my legs, all the way down to the air compressed booties on my feet, this was certainly something new. I felt like some kind of astronaut with all of my “gear”. And, of course, Ryan was by my side taking pictures of the whole experience on his cell phone. Gotta love a comedian...
The lady bruised both hands trying to get the IV in, but she
the other side of the OR...
The lady bruised both hands trying to get the IV in, but she called me "petite" so I let it slide.
and I was ready to go!
Soon it was time to wheel me into the OR. As we turned the corner, I saw a large dry-erase board to my right. Just like in Gray’s Anatomy, names were written under each room. I looked for my name frantically but before I could find it, I was whisked away in no time and into OR Room 2.
In the OR: I was asked to move myself from the gurney over to the operating table. Not exactly the easiest thing to do, but I managed to do it with whatever grace and dignity I had left (Although I’m pretty sure the anesthesiologist got a show in the process). Above me hung two lights the size of pizza pans. The room seemed empty and sterile. Then I was given some sort-of drug that made me feel loopy, which scared me. So, of course, I cried. Not the weepy, sobbing kind-of cry but a sad, pitiful cry – no sound, tears only. My right arm was stretched to the side with the IV and my left arm had the blood pressure cuff, which meant the nurse had to wipe my tears. How humiliating.
It only took a minute and I got myself together. Dr. Synn was fashionably late (what’s new) so I tried to make small talk with the nurses through my oxygen mask. Soon I heard that the Doctor had arrived. Next thing I knew, a cold feeling ran up through my right arm and I felt like I was slipping away. I actually said “thank you” to the anesthesiologist and waved goodbye to the nurses with my free hand. I am such a dork.
After the surgery: Now, I had told Ryan that I dreaded this part of the day. I told him how awful I would feel when waking up from surgery. I told him I would be tired, but uncomfortable, cold and nauseous. He said that it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it would be. He said it would be like waking up from a long nap. I’ll let you guess who was right…
As soon as I could open my eyes, I began asking whatever nurse was beside me, “Did I have endometriosis?” over and over. The problem was that my mouth hadn’t woken up yet so it sounded more like “Diidihaveendometriosis?? DIIDIHAVEENDOMETRIOSIS???” Needless to say, it took about 5 minutes for her to figure out what I was saying.
She looked at my chart and told me, no. There was no mention of endometriosis. I was crushed and barely listened to the rest of what she said while I cried silently for about a half an hour. Meanwhile, she tried to convince me that it was a good thing, that I didn’t want endometriosis, that this means I’m healthy. All I could think was I did this for nothing.
That’s when the nausea set in. I’ll spare you the details as you can probably imagine what it feels like to throw-up repeatedly for hours on a completely empty stomach that has just been cut into and patched back together. They normally expect you to be in the recovery room for about an hour and I was there almost four. Finally, I made it home and, you know what? I think I made it through pretty well. I was walking on my own that same night!
Today’s Thoughts: Now, with a clearer mind, I am able to comprehend what the nurse was trying to tell me in the recovery room on Wednesday. Although, my chart did not say “endometriosis”, what it did say was that the Doctor removed scar tissue, lesions, and possibly fibroids. He also scraped my uterus. Any one of these things can affect fertility. Basically I am all “cleaned out and ready for a baby”, as the nurse said. So this was a good decision. It wasn’t that I did this for nothing. Good things can come from it. I have grown fond of my black and blue stomach and my old lady walk. Battle wounds happen when fighting infertility. On July 9th, I will meet with the Doctor and will get the real story, complete with pictures and all. Then we will see what comes next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Turns out, the nurse was overzealous in her analysis of the surgery results. She was probably just trying to stop my crying. For the real results of the surgery, see Post-Op Appointment .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just have to say I am so grateful to everyone who has been such a support to me during this last week. Ryan was by my side the whole day; holding my hand, giving me popsicles and, most importantly, pretending not to be embarrassed as I threw-up for what seemed like the millionth time, this time right in front of the hospital. My mom spent Thursday cooking enough meals to last all week and stocking my fridge until I could hardly get the door closed. My dad called to check-up on me, leaving a voicemail message in a silly accent making me laugh. And many friends and family sent me emails and voicemails of love and encouragement. Thank you.
In the OR: I was asked to move myself from the gurney over to the operating table. Not exactly the easiest thing to do, but I managed to do it with whatever grace and dignity I had left (Although I’m pretty sure the anesthesiologist got a show in the process). Above me hung two lights the size of pizza pans. The room seemed empty and sterile. Then I was given some sort-of drug that made me feel loopy, which scared me. So, of course, I cried. Not the weepy, sobbing kind-of cry but a sad, pitiful cry – no sound, tears only. My right arm was stretched to the side with the IV and my left arm had the blood pressure cuff, which meant the nurse had to wipe my tears. How humiliating.
It only took a minute and I got myself together. Dr. Synn was fashionably late (what’s new) so I tried to make small talk with the nurses through my oxygen mask. Soon I heard that the Doctor had arrived. Next thing I knew, a cold feeling ran up through my right arm and I felt like I was slipping away. I actually said “thank you” to the anesthesiologist and waved goodbye to the nurses with my free hand. I am such a dork.
After the surgery: Now, I had told Ryan that I dreaded this part of the day. I told him how awful I would feel when waking up from surgery. I told him I would be tired, but uncomfortable, cold and nauseous. He said that it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it would be. He said it would be like waking up from a long nap. I’ll let you guess who was right…
As soon as I could open my eyes, I began asking whatever nurse was beside me, “Did I have endometriosis?” over and over. The problem was that my mouth hadn’t woken up yet so it sounded more like “Diidihaveendometriosis?? DIIDIHAVEENDOMETRIOSIS???” Needless to say, it took about 5 minutes for her to figure out what I was saying.
She looked at my chart and told me, no. There was no mention of endometriosis. I was crushed and barely listened to the rest of what she said while I cried silently for about a half an hour. Meanwhile, she tried to convince me that it was a good thing, that I didn’t want endometriosis, that this means I’m healthy. All I could think was I did this for nothing.
That’s when the nausea set in. I’ll spare you the details as you can probably imagine what it feels like to throw-up repeatedly for hours on a completely empty stomach that has just been cut into and patched back together. They normally expect you to be in the recovery room for about an hour and I was there almost four. Finally, I made it home and, you know what? I think I made it through pretty well. I was walking on my own that same night!
Today’s Thoughts: Now, with a clearer mind, I am able to comprehend what the nurse was trying to tell me in the recovery room on Wednesday. Although, my chart did not say “endometriosis”, what it did say was that the Doctor removed scar tissue, lesions, and possibly fibroids. He also scraped my uterus. Any one of these things can affect fertility. Basically I am all “cleaned out and ready for a baby”, as the nurse said. So this was a good decision. It wasn’t that I did this for nothing. Good things can come from it. I have grown fond of my black and blue stomach and my old lady walk. Battle wounds happen when fighting infertility. On July 9th, I will meet with the Doctor and will get the real story, complete with pictures and all. Then we will see what comes next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Turns out, the nurse was overzealous in her analysis of the surgery results. She was probably just trying to stop my crying. For the real results of the surgery, see Post-Op Appointment .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just have to say I am so grateful to everyone who has been such a support to me during this last week. Ryan was by my side the whole day; holding my hand, giving me popsicles and, most importantly, pretending not to be embarrassed as I threw-up for what seemed like the millionth time, this time right in front of the hospital. My mom spent Thursday cooking enough meals to last all week and stocking my fridge until I could hardly get the door closed. My dad called to check-up on me, leaving a voicemail message in a silly accent making me laugh. And many friends and family sent me emails and voicemails of love and encouragement. Thank you.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Ain't I Lucky!
Just wanted to share:
Several weeks ago, I mentioned to my boss that I would be having surgery for endometriosis as it may be a possible cause of my infertility. I told him that I would let him know when I had a date and that I would need about a week off work.
Several days ago, he came into my office with information from the internet on endometriosis. He had written down the name of the disease and researched it to learn more about it. He found information about certain foods on a website just for endometriosis and printed out some items to give me.
I was just so stunned that he took the time to research something that was impacting my life. While many bosses would have been thinking about the “time off” I was requesting, my boss was thinking about me. Ain’t I lucky!
On a side note: I have a few dates lined up.
My pre-op appointment will be Monday, June 11th at 8:30am.
My surgery will be Wednesday, June 13th at 12:30p.m.
My post-op appointment will be Monday, July 9th at 11:15am.
Several weeks ago, I mentioned to my boss that I would be having surgery for endometriosis as it may be a possible cause of my infertility. I told him that I would let him know when I had a date and that I would need about a week off work.
Several days ago, he came into my office with information from the internet on endometriosis. He had written down the name of the disease and researched it to learn more about it. He found information about certain foods on a website just for endometriosis and printed out some items to give me.
I was just so stunned that he took the time to research something that was impacting my life. While many bosses would have been thinking about the “time off” I was requesting, my boss was thinking about me. Ain’t I lucky!
On a side note: I have a few dates lined up.
My pre-op appointment will be Monday, June 11th at 8:30am.
My surgery will be Wednesday, June 13th at 12:30p.m.
My post-op appointment will be Monday, July 9th at 11:15am.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Womanhood
What makes someone a woman? Is it her physical attributes? It is an innate caring and nurturing that you are born with? Or is it her ability to conceive and carry a child, thus proving her evolutionary purpose? If she is unable, is she not a woman?
I know I must not be the only person with infertility, wondering if they were really a woman. My body is not doing what it was designed to do. It is akin to a man back in the caveman days whose family is starving because he is unable to catch or gather food.
We are lucky that we live in a country in which I can do many things. I can educate myself, I can help clients make prudent financial decisions, I can commit to a marriage, I can teach children in Sunday School, I can be a good daughter, sister, friend, member of society. But, I can not be a mother. Without some sort-of medical or legal intervention, I can not have a child. It is hard not to feel like a failure under that circumstance.
Logically, I know that simply bearing a child does not make me a woman any more than wearing a loincloth and beating his chest would make Ryan a man. However, in those dark moments, when reason and common sense give way to bitterness and confusion, these are the feelings that can take residence inside a broken heart.
I know I must not be the only person with infertility, wondering if they were really a woman. My body is not doing what it was designed to do. It is akin to a man back in the caveman days whose family is starving because he is unable to catch or gather food.
We are lucky that we live in a country in which I can do many things. I can educate myself, I can help clients make prudent financial decisions, I can commit to a marriage, I can teach children in Sunday School, I can be a good daughter, sister, friend, member of society. But, I can not be a mother. Without some sort-of medical or legal intervention, I can not have a child. It is hard not to feel like a failure under that circumstance.
Logically, I know that simply bearing a child does not make me a woman any more than wearing a loincloth and beating his chest would make Ryan a man. However, in those dark moments, when reason and common sense give way to bitterness and confusion, these are the feelings that can take residence inside a broken heart.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Surgery Consultation
Yesterday, I had my surgery consultation with Dr. Synn. I was glad I didn't have to pay for the appointment because he basically went over everything he already told me: what the surgery involves, the risks, etc. However, I was surprised to learn that, once the surgery is over, we will keep going with fertility treatments immediately. For some reason I was thinking that we would "try" naturally for a few months. Not so. And, if I have endometriosis, time is of the essence because it starts growing back immediately, so we have to get right back on the treatments which means about $1200/cycle starting immediately. Here I was thinking that the surgery would be the only treatment/expense for a while but it turns out I was wrong. Ryan and I will need to sit down and have a money talk. But, all in all, it went well. The girls at his office will call my insurance to verify they will cover the surgery and then the hospital will call me to schedule the surgery. I should hear from someone in about 8 days.
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