You GO, Dr. Oh!

So, so tired... but I have to take a moment to give credit where credit is due.

For the last year or so, my monthly cycles have consisted of 5 - 7 days of spotting, then a day or two of nothing, followed by a 3 day period.

After one month of treatment with Dr. Oh, I had one day of light spotting, one day of heavier spotting, and then Day One of my cycle. A marked difference. Color and flow has also improved.

While last month we concentrated on decreasing the spotting, this month we are beginning the actual infertility treatment. I began Phase 1 of the herbs today, so we will see how this goes!

What is this strange feeling?

Could it be... hope???

Thursday I went back to acupuncture. Back, but to a new place. Instead of meeting with Tim, I searched out another advocate. I found "Dr. Oh".

Unlike Tim, Dr. Oh has had experience with patients dealing with infertility. Our first appointment went very well. Dr. Oh has put me on acupuncture every week, a strict regimen of four different herbs throughout my cycle, and orders to reduce stress (we'll see how that last one goes!). His methods have resulted in 4 successful pregnancies for his patients this year. The usual length of treatment before success is 2 1/2 to 3 months.

Now I know none of this is a guarantee that it could happen for me, but something else exciting happened yesterday. I had hope! I had nearly forgotten what that felt like.

In fact, the biggest part of this whole experience was that it happened at all. For the last couple years (since my unproductive surgery), I have felt hopeless... which slid into depression. Even last year, when I first tried TCM, I felt lost in my treatment and gave up.

So, after literally years of depression, the very fact that I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and tried again speaks volumes.

Here we go again!

Dream Crushers and a Hungarian Folktale

Ever met a dream crusher? You probably have. If you haven't, just try something like alternative medicine after 5 years of infertility and the dream crushers will emerge. I have met a few over the last couple months. These are good and caring people who deep down have a hard time when someone makes a choice that is out of their comfort zone. They struggle in showing happiness over someone else's success. Perhaps the following quote describes it best:

"In some cases there's a wish, however unconscious, to commiserate rather than rejoice."

So they are skeptics of my choices and doubters of any possible breakthroughs. They only show encouragement when I consider an action they deem "plausible". Even if they feign support with what they say, they can not hide the cynicism written on their face. Things like diet or herbs or acupuncture could not possibly reverse whatever mystery is ailing me. Only the men in the white coats can be trusted. Anything else is foolishness.

And when it appears that one of these "silly" alternatives is making a difference, then the success is "psychological" or can be explained by some other inconspicuous fact.

Over time, I've learned to "recognize the destroyers in my life, the people who can't resist poking a finger into my tower of blocks and watch them scatter all over the floor. The 'realists' who stand by with a list of a hundred rational reasons not to disrupt the pattern of acceptable solutions."

Learning to shake off their pessimism and disbelief has been a struggle. But over time, I have found a voice inside me. Sometimes, all it says is "You'll show them", but other times I am actually able to believe their opinion doesn't matter. Which it doesn't.

I don't know how to live in a world without hope, faith, or miracles. To picture such a world feels silent and empty. I refuse to explain away the unexplainable, attributing these events to coincidence or happenstance. To do this seems, in my eyes, foolish.

To those dream crushers out there, thanks for the ammunition. You have encouraged the rebel inside me to prove you wrong. However I choose to have my family, I will one day be fulfilled. And then maybe you can find some other person you can push down to lift yourself up.

________________________________________

A simple Hungarian folktale...

"There was once a very sad and frail princess. The merest gust of cool air made her cough and take to bed with fever. The king and queen promised half the kingdom to anyone who would save their daughter, Anna. Healers from far away mixed their potions and cast their spells. The princess remained sickly and inconsolable.

Then one day, just when it looked like the poor girl was going to whither away, a peasant from the nearby village showed up at the castle. 'My name is Barna Janos,' he said to the king, 'and I came to cure the princess.'

He brought a wagon full of vegetables and fruits from his farm. He prescribed lots of sunshine and fresh air. He invited some children from the village to teach her their games. Within a month the princess was ready to live happily ever after.

'You're only a simple peasant. How did you know what would heal our daughter?' asked the queen.

'I didn't,' said Janos. 'But I would have been a fool not to try.'"

An Improvement!

This has been my second cycle using diet, herbs, and acupuncture. I did not get pregnant, but I have noticed marked improvements in my cycles!

Prior to beginning treatment, I would spot for 7 - 8 days and then have a 2 day, very light period. What is the significance of that? It's an indicator that I did not build up a good lining in my uterus during my leutel phase. A baby can not implant in a teeny, tiny lining. A rich full lining is needed to provide a home for an embryo. Not only that, the spotting would begin early in the cycle, causing a short leutal phase, which is also anti-pregnancy.

Well, last cycle (my first using TCM), I went 23 days before spotting. Once the spotting began, it lasted just a few days and then a more normal period followed. This cycle, I went a full 26 days with no spotting, one day of spotting, followed by what looks like a "normal" period. I am beginning to improve!

So, I plan to continue with this treatment next cycle, with a couple additions. The biggest addition has to do with timing ovulation. The temperature taking helps me to know I have ovulated, but not until 3 days afterward (your temperature takes a dip at ovulation and then rises, but you can't be sure until it has truly risen for three days). Adding the Fertility Monitor will tell me of ovulation the day before it occurs.

Why am I doing all this? I know there are those of you who think, "You're trying too hard". In fact, several of you have told this directly to me. I have one response to that. It is from the book "Inconceivable" by Julia Indichova and when I read it, I felt like it came straight from my heart:

"Certainly, no one can guarantee that our efforts will crack the code and bring us the result we hope for. The only thing that is certain is that taking an active part in the treatment process leaves less room for despair. It creates opportunities we could not have anticipated. In the last seven years of working with people, it has become clear to me that sewn deep in the lining of the most unattractive garment - whether it's labeled infertility, fibromyalgia, depression or any other name - is a precious gem. Our task is to find that gem; discover what it is for each of us and to draw strength from the search."

Nothing I am doing is harmful or risky. In fact, it can only be beneficial: physically, hormonally, and emotionally. No time was so miserable as this last year, the year I tried to "forget about it". I'm sorry, but this heartbreak is unforgettable and when I was trying not to think about it, I was a numbed-out version of myself. The times it did cross my mind, I felt guilty and shoved it away. It was an awful way to live.

Now I am embracing this situation and all that comes with it. The knowledge, the experimentation, the good days and the bad. I no longer feel guilty for my days of longing, and overall I have been happier and more relaxed than I have been in a long time.

I would adopt a baby right now if I could. After all, I'm pursuing parenthood, not necessarily fertility. But adoption costs money that I do not have right now. So, in the meantime, I can go about this naturally. If God wants me to have my baby biologically, I guess I'll get pregnant. If nothing else, at least I'll have the healthiest body I've ever had.

________________________________________________

In an attempt to see where I have been and where I am going, I thought it will be helpful for me to list it here. Writing out my "plan" makes it formal and empowering!

What I did this cycle:

Entire Cycle -

Temperature taking and charting
Prenatal Vitamin each night
2 Times a day - Chaste tree (Vitex)

Before Ovulation -

3 Times a day: 3 tablets "Seven Forests Woman's Treasure" (Nii Bao Pian)

During Ovulation -

Slowly weaning off "Woman's Treasure" and starting "Health Concerns Woman's Balance" (Dan Zhi Xiao Yao San)
1 session Acupuncture

After Ovulation:

3 Times a day: 3 tablets of "Woman's Balance"
Beginning 2 Times a day and increasing to 4 Times a day: ProgonB (Natural Progesterone)
1 session Acupuncture

Additions for next cycle:

Entire Cycle -

Improving my diet, exercise, and relaxation

During Ovulation -

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor
Pre-Seed

After Ovulation -

Progesterone Creme

Just Relax!

Ahh, the advice so freely given by well-intentioned people. Just relax and you'll get pregnant! This is one step up from the ever-helpful: Just forget about it and it will happen (hmmm, how about, don't think about polar bears...what? You're thinking about polar bears now? Imagine that...)

Okay, we have established that telling someone to relax does no good. But what about the actual act of relaxing? What benefits can come from that?

Well, I have been giving it a try. I have actually been relaxing, meditating, visualizing, whatever you want to call it. I lay down flat, close my eyes, and listen to a CD filled with oriental sounding music and a calming voice... "concentrate on your feet, releasing all the tension..." At first, it felt strange, uncomfortable, and a tad embarrassing. But then something happened, I began to relax.

I try to do a session everyday. Many times, I fall asleep, but that's okay. I have actually found a lot of comfort in it.

Acupuncture

On Thursday, I went to my first acupuncture appointment. A little hole-in-the-wall office near Shaw and Fresno, the waiting room looked more like a living room in the 60s than a health practitioner's lobby. An older woman with long grey hair greeted me and let me know Tim would be out in a minute. I took a seat on the worn, oriental-patterned couch and waited.

Soon, a middle-aged Caucasian man emerged and led me to a room. We sat on two folding chairs near a doctor's-type table, high and soft, covered in worn, plaid sheets.

Tim spent a good forty-five minutes just talking to me, asking me my symptoms, writing notes, feeling my pulse, etc. He stated from my symptoms he felt I had a deficiency in progesterone (THANK YOU!) and this could be a reason I'm not getting pregnant. He also said some of my symptoms were reminiscent of a thyroid problem (a suggestion Kathryn had made a few months earlier). He suggested I get a complete panel blood test on my thyroid, not just the simple test they usually do. He also said he would like to see the results, as TCM tends to interpret them a bit differently than western doctors, who mostly just check that your numbers are in the "normal" range. Problems with your thyroid can also lead to infertility.

After our chat, I laid down on the table and he did some unusual tests involving holding a vial of different hormones and substances to see how my body reacted. These tests confirmed his theory that I was low in progesterone. Then he pulled out the needles...

It actually wasn't bad at all. First he would push around an area with his fingertips and tell me to let him know when he hit a point that was tender. Once he did, that is where he would put the needle in. A few times I felt a sharpness, but mostly, I couldn't feel the needle go in at all. After it was in I would feel a dull, aching feeling around the acupuncture point. Interestingly, after he placed one in my foot, the pressure around that point was especially achy. When I commented on how dramatic that one felt, he replied that region was connected to my sinus area. Curiously enough, I have been having major sinus problems for the last couple months. Hmmm...

After all the needles were in, he turned off the light, put a warmer on my feet, and left me to relax. It's amazing how relaxing it is to lay in quiet without falling asleep. Very peaceful.

After my time was up (about 20-30 minutes I think). He came back in and took out the needles. Then he gave me some herbs which will help to balance my body and prod it to make more progesterone on its own. He also gave me a natural progesterone cream to use.

And that was it! I felt really good for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to my next appointment on May 5th.

Calling All Babies!

I used to consider myself good with babies. I was babysitting when most of my friends were still being babysat. I started watching my nephews on a limited basis at 10 years old and started watching other people's kids at 11. I was really comfortable holding, rocking, feeding, burping, you name it!

Then I got older, wrapped up in my own life, and I babysat less and less. Once I was married and started trying to conceive, I was in Long Beach and the friends I had that were starting families lived back at home.

By the time I was back in Fresno, I had been trying unsuccessfully for a year, and I was already becoming pretty heartbroken about not having a child of my own. I avoided babies, they just made me sad. They were little, cuddly reminders of what I didn't and couldn't have.

Time went on and I slowly became less and less bitter about my own struggle. Still sad, mind you, but less bitter. It began to be easier to be around babies. Unfortunately, by this time, I had become awkwardly uncomfortable when taking care of them. I began to feel completely out of my element while holding them. It's hard to describe and even harder to believe, since I grew up "baby crazy", wanting to hold and take care of every baby around. But, that's what I had become.

Okay, so on to the purpose of my story. When I talked with the acupuncturist's office yesterday, she told me to spend more time around babies, watching them, taking care of them, etc. At first, I braced myself. Typically, when someone is talking to me about my infertility and they tell me to spend more time around kids, they are preparing to make some kind of joke about how I could have their kids or how spending time with kids may make me not want one so bad. In fact, my anesthesiologist told me this while I was preparing to go under for surgery. Kind of unbelievable, huh? Here I am, undergoing elective surgery to try to find out why I can't conceive, and he makes a joke like that. He was lucky my arm was tied down and I was too disoriented to set him straight!

Anyway, I digress. The reason the nice lady at the acupuncturist's office was telling me to spend time around babies was because they have found that "getting in touch with your mothering instincts" by spending time nurturing a child can actually help you to conceive a child. Being in the nurturing frame of mind is good for the soul and, consequently, good for the body. There seems to be some truth behind the theory and, since I am willing to try just about anything that is safe, cheap, and effective, I'll try it!

So, I am going to try to be better about participating in all things baby. I know sometimes it may make me sad, as I truly want a child of my own. Nevertheless, when I am hanging out with friends or at church, and there are babies around, I am going to try to get in touch with the mother inside me. I may look awkward or insecure, but I think it will be good for me. If for no other reason than it would be good practice.

Progress...

Late last night, I wrote what felt like a prayer. I was asking God which direction I should go and what I should do next. This morning, I picked up the phone and called a local acupuncturist I had called previously. I had a long talk with his assistant and the things she was telling me just rang true. The entire conversation felt right. I made an appointment for the earliest date they had available, May 5th. She then suggested I call my insurance company to see if they'd pay for it. I dismissed that right away. I've had 4 years of paying for my own treatments. She urged me to try anyway.

Twenty minutes later, a "prescription" from my OBGYN had been sent to the acupuncturist and a pre-approval from my insurance company of all treatments my doctor "deems necessary" had been processed. It was unreal, too easy. I could not believe it!

Then, two hours later, the acupuncturist's office called. There was a cancellation and they can see me on Thursday! I am excited and a bit nervous, but anxious to start this next chapter of treatment.

TCM - What to do, what to do?

Recently, I made the decision to forgo western medicine for a while and look to Traditional Chinese Medicine for a treatment plan. This was not a decision I came to lightly. There was months of research and prayers involved in making this decision and I feel really comfortable about it now.

My question is, since I have decided on a different direction in my journey, which path should I take? There are three options I am considering:

1. Using the TCM information I have, create my own treatment plan. This would include creating a diet from the foods recommended, researching and ordering my own herbal mixtures online, and providing acupressure to myself using the specialized points diagramed in my book.

2. I found a local acupuncturist that treats infertility. Notice I didn't say specializes in infertility. It's basically on his list of things he'll address. He also provides the herbs he feels will work with your treatment program.

3. I have been receiving a weekly newsletter from Hethir Rodriguez, a Holistic Healthcare Practitioner. She has recently released several programs which help a woman to boost her fertility naturally. After speaking with her, she suggested a specific program that will cleanse the body and balance hormones naturally. There is a specific diet, herbal treatment, and fertility massage instructions with the program. She has spent years practicing in her field and seems pretty knowledgeable.

I'm really unsure of which one to choose, although I do feel I need guidance through all this, which causes me to lean toward #2 or #3. I want to get started right away but I am forcing myself to take it slow and make the right decision.

Stay tuned...

East meets West

I have a new treatment plan...that's right, I said it. I am kissing western medicine goodbye for the foreseeable future. I have given western doctors 4 years to figure out my problem to no avail. So, I am giving the Chinese a chance.

A little background: I first went to a fertility specialist in July 2004. They ran all sorts of tests and in the end diagnosed me with "unexplained infertility", basically code words for "everything about you looks perfect and we don't know what's wrong so we are stamping this label on you". Then, they sent me down the same treatment path they send everybody: Clomid with injectible trigger shots to promote ovulation (even though by all accounts it appeared I ovulated fine), IUI (even though Ryan's sperm count was great and there was no evidence of a problem with intercourse or fertilization).

When these treatments didn't work, it was time to move to the next level, injectable hormones. Luckily, we did not have the money to jump into that, which gave me time to think.

As I thought about the next stage of treatment, I started to get a little angry. If everything about me looks so great, why are they giving me the same treatments as people with diagnosable fertility issues? Why are they concentrating on treatment, rather than finding or trying to fix the problem? And why, when I told them I felt I had luetal phase defect (the third phase of my cycle is too short, interfering with implantation) did they pump me full of progesterone, rather than figure out if that is indeed the problem and (if so) teach my body to produce these hormones on its own?

Most of all, why did I concentrate on the 17% success rate, and fail to recognize that this means 83% of the procedures fail. 83%.

So, I started to do a little research. I figured, hey, I can't afford the western treatments anyway, maybe I'll see what's out there. I bought a book on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and answered pages of questions as to my symptoms and characteristics. I won't lie to you, some of them seemed odd (fuzz on my tongue? huh?), but afterwards I found out that I have symptoms of Kidney yang deficiency, Spleen deficiency, and Blood deficiency. I noticed there was a chapter on Luetal Phase Defect. I flipped there and read that the most common deficiencies leading to this defect are the three I just listed. Bingo! Finally, validation that western doctors could not give me.

So, what's next? Well, I can tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not forking over $1200 and injecting my body with synthetic hormones. Maybe I will in the future, but not now. I owe it to myself to try a natural approach first. If nothing else, I will be a lot healthier and balanced when/if I decide to pursue the next step in western fertility treatment. And, who knows? Maybe I'll end up pregnant in the process!