In the past several years, I have received many, many sweet emails suggesting I try certain things to help me conceive. Because I find I am getting the same suggestions, I thought it might be helpful to spell out what I have tried, been tested for, or researched already:
- Most suggestions in The Infertility Cure
- Gluten intolerance: My anti-gliadin blood test showed normal results (3)
- Avoiding dairy
- The Fertility Diet
- Blood clotting disorders (I haven't ruled this out completely, but I feel comfortable about it right now.)
- Relaxation techniques and meditation (I'm open to using this in conjunction with treatments, but not as a stand-alone technique)
- Thyroid issues: Tested and confirmed "normal" by both eastern and western physicians
- Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs (Admittedly, I did not participate in this as long as is necessary to see significant results; however, I do not want to do it again exclusively. I would consider it in addition to western infertility treatments.)
I'm sure there are other things I have tried, and I'll add to this list as I remember them all!
The doctor has diagnosed me with unexplained infertility. So what do I think are my issues?
For sure, I believe I have luteal phase defect. I spot my way into a period and usually begin the spotting 9 days after ovulation, if not earlier. I am combating that issue with strong Progesterone supplements.
I also think I have a build-up of yeast in my system due to a lifetime of taking strong antibiotics several times a year. I'm not sure I have full-blown Candida, but I have begun taking supplements and high-quality probiotics.
Regardless of my issues, I honestly think I haven't conceived and carried to term yet because my life is on God's timing, not mine.
Frantically searching for that mystery cure causes me so much anxiety. I'm just not going to do it anymore. If I receive a new suggestion, I'll look into it if it seems it might be an issue. But I am not going to turn my life upside down. I'm not going to only eat raw food... or stand on my head... or any other weirdness like that. When I get these same suggestions, I can't send anymore long emails justifying why it's not an issue or trying to prove I've researched it already. It's too stressful. In a matter of a few days, I received 4 "suggestions". It gets tiring.
I am thankful for those dear friends (and some strangers) who have suggested ideas in the past. Because of you guys, I was able to get some of the answers above. A wonderful friend helped me learn about Candida, which turns out might be an issue. Another sweetheart suggested gluten intolerance, which I was able to be tested for and cross off my list. A childhood friend relayed her experience with blood clotting disorders, which I asked my doctor about right away. I am grateful people love me enough to try to help.
The purpose of this post is to put everything I have tried out there. I am hoping to cut down on hearing the same suggestions multiple times. Now, I can just link back to this post. :)
I also need to express the peace I feel with the treatment we are pursuing. Western infertility treatment got me pregnant once, and I believe it can do it again. It took me several years to have the money and the faith to try these procedures. Please don't question me about that decision. Whether it is another IUI or pursuing in vitro, this is the path we are going down at this time. We are confident this is where we need to be right now.
If you hear of something new I haven't explored yet, please send it my way. Just understand the peace I feel right now, and don't question or argue with our decisions. That is not the way to help. It fills me with anxiety and, as I've been told too many times to count, I'm supposed to "just relax" right??? ;)
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, October 29, 2010
Pregnancy Announcements
Ahh, the wild and wonderful world of pregnancy announcements. They take on a whole new meaning when you're infertile.
First the disclaimer... Pregnancy is such a wonderful event. And the announcement of the pregnancy is one of the best feelings in the world. I know! I've been there! So I would never, never tell someone how they should announce their pregnancy. Obviously, you have every right to announce it in any way you please.
Disclaimer over.
The purpose of this blog is to answer a question I have been asked several times: What is the best way to tell an infertile that you are pregnant?
I have been on the receiving end of some pregnancy announcements that were so painful for me, despite my positive feelings for the people involved, because of the method used.
I can only speak for this infertile. I prefer it to be quick and in writing. I don't like games, because the minute you tell me you want to "talk to me about something exciting" or you want me to "watch this video" or "figure out this riddle", guess what? I already know. :)
But what makes it worse, I can't stop and deal with it at that point. I still have to make the phone call or play along with the riddle because, even though I know, there is always the little voice saying "what if I'm wrong?" It makes the whole experience long and torturous for me. I know it is never intended, but while it is going on, it just feels cruel.
Once I know you are pregnant, I can process the info, compartmentalize my feelings, and move on. The "moving on" part always includes excitement for the soon-to-be parents and a love for the expected baby.
I prefer in writing because it's just easier for me. Call it cowardly, but it feels better to learn this news on my own and allow my natural reactions to come as they come. Email, text, Facebook... all of these work well. I don't like announcements in front of groups of people because, I know from experience, it makes everyone in the room feel weird. They are happy for the couple, but feel awkward around Ryan and I. I get sideways glances and hushed comments, when everyone should be focusing on the excitement of the new pregnancy!
Okay... It took a lot of courage to put this post out there. I've wanted to do it for years, but kept chickening out. I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. I was afraid of negative comments, or hearing how 'selfish' I am. But I finally felt it was time to answer the question I've been asked so many times.
Having said ALL that, you preggos and soon-to-be preggos out there... you share your amazing news however you feel you want to. Us infertiles are pretty good at getting through that situation. Many of us have had a lot of practice. I think I've achieved "pro" status. But for those of you who asked (or who wonder in silence)... quick and in writing is the way to go! ;)
First the disclaimer... Pregnancy is such a wonderful event. And the announcement of the pregnancy is one of the best feelings in the world. I know! I've been there! So I would never, never tell someone how they should announce their pregnancy. Obviously, you have every right to announce it in any way you please.
Disclaimer over.
The purpose of this blog is to answer a question I have been asked several times: What is the best way to tell an infertile that you are pregnant?
I have been on the receiving end of some pregnancy announcements that were so painful for me, despite my positive feelings for the people involved, because of the method used.
I can only speak for this infertile. I prefer it to be quick and in writing. I don't like games, because the minute you tell me you want to "talk to me about something exciting" or you want me to "watch this video" or "figure out this riddle", guess what? I already know. :)
But what makes it worse, I can't stop and deal with it at that point. I still have to make the phone call or play along with the riddle because, even though I know, there is always the little voice saying "what if I'm wrong?" It makes the whole experience long and torturous for me. I know it is never intended, but while it is going on, it just feels cruel.
Once I know you are pregnant, I can process the info, compartmentalize my feelings, and move on. The "moving on" part always includes excitement for the soon-to-be parents and a love for the expected baby.
I prefer in writing because it's just easier for me. Call it cowardly, but it feels better to learn this news on my own and allow my natural reactions to come as they come. Email, text, Facebook... all of these work well. I don't like announcements in front of groups of people because, I know from experience, it makes everyone in the room feel weird. They are happy for the couple, but feel awkward around Ryan and I. I get sideways glances and hushed comments, when everyone should be focusing on the excitement of the new pregnancy!
Okay... It took a lot of courage to put this post out there. I've wanted to do it for years, but kept chickening out. I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. I was afraid of negative comments, or hearing how 'selfish' I am. But I finally felt it was time to answer the question I've been asked so many times.
Having said ALL that, you preggos and soon-to-be preggos out there... you share your amazing news however you feel you want to. Us infertiles are pretty good at getting through that situation. Many of us have had a lot of practice. I think I've achieved "pro" status. But for those of you who asked (or who wonder in silence)... quick and in writing is the way to go! ;)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Reason Why
For several reasons, yesterday was a long and emotional day. Now, with the clarity of a good night’s sleep and some deep soul searching, I think I have found the primary reason the statements in my post below hurt so much (i.e., ‘Enjoy ______ now, because you won’t get to do it when you have kids.’).
It has nothing to do with the person saying it. It is something inside me that breaks when I hear those things. And while I do, 100%, agree with what I wrote that day, I think the true pain lies much deeper.
I am a busy gal, but with a husband who works nights and most weekends/holidays, there is a lot of time spent alone. There was a time when I would spend most of that time crying or simply sitting on the couch staring into space for hours. During that time, I found no joy in the things I used to love. I was depressed.
Now I feel better, and I have re-discovered those things I enjoy. I have filled up lonely holidays or Friday nights with cooking or baking or writing or scrapbooking or any of the other activities I forgot I loved. I feel like a person again.
So when someone reminds me that I only have time to do these things because I don’t have children, it’s like ripping a scab off an open wound. I would love to be taking my kids to the park on a holiday (or even nagging them to clean their room!) or making pizzas and watching a movie on a Friday night. But I don’t have those options. I am trying to make the best of what I have.
I do enjoy sleeping in on a Saturday, or reading a book on a Sunday afternoon. I am sorry if that makes moms feel jealous. But while they are jealous of those free hours I get, I yearn on an hourly basis for the lives they are living.
A person commented in the post below that things are difficult as a mom. She mentioned that you are now tied to someone else’s schedule, money is tighter, nerves are more raw. What she isn’t realizing is that I am already living that life in my own way.
Have you ever spent six years “scheduling” sex, and seen what that does to a marriage? Have you ever excused yourself from a business meeting at a specific time to go to the bathroom and give yourself a shot in the stomach? And then try to return as if nothing happened? Have you ever filled yourself full of hormones and experienced what that does to nerves? Undergone surgery only to find no answers? Let someone stick needles all over your body as you lay there choking tears back because you feel this is your last hope? Spent thousands of dollars trying to become a mom to no avail? Understood that it will cost $12,000 for a treatment that has a greater chance of not working, than working? Seen friends of yours wait years for a birth mother to choose them for adoption and wonder if that will be you too?
I have experienced all these things and more. I guarantee I have been tied to schedules, money’s been tight, and nerves have been raw. I am not saying my path is any more difficult than anyone else’s. In fact, I know my battle is a small one compared to others I have seen. Even so, just as the commenter said, everyone is fighting their own battle.
I don’t need to be reminded that my life is different than most married women my age. I don’t need to be reminded how my life would be different with children. I have spent hours on my knees begging to experience it for myself. I am trying to move on.
And that is the reason these statements hurt.
It has nothing to do with the person saying it. It is something inside me that breaks when I hear those things. And while I do, 100%, agree with what I wrote that day, I think the true pain lies much deeper.
I am a busy gal, but with a husband who works nights and most weekends/holidays, there is a lot of time spent alone. There was a time when I would spend most of that time crying or simply sitting on the couch staring into space for hours. During that time, I found no joy in the things I used to love. I was depressed.
Now I feel better, and I have re-discovered those things I enjoy. I have filled up lonely holidays or Friday nights with cooking or baking or writing or scrapbooking or any of the other activities I forgot I loved. I feel like a person again.
So when someone reminds me that I only have time to do these things because I don’t have children, it’s like ripping a scab off an open wound. I would love to be taking my kids to the park on a holiday (or even nagging them to clean their room!) or making pizzas and watching a movie on a Friday night. But I don’t have those options. I am trying to make the best of what I have.
I do enjoy sleeping in on a Saturday, or reading a book on a Sunday afternoon. I am sorry if that makes moms feel jealous. But while they are jealous of those free hours I get, I yearn on an hourly basis for the lives they are living.
A person commented in the post below that things are difficult as a mom. She mentioned that you are now tied to someone else’s schedule, money is tighter, nerves are more raw. What she isn’t realizing is that I am already living that life in my own way.
Have you ever spent six years “scheduling” sex, and seen what that does to a marriage? Have you ever excused yourself from a business meeting at a specific time to go to the bathroom and give yourself a shot in the stomach? And then try to return as if nothing happened? Have you ever filled yourself full of hormones and experienced what that does to nerves? Undergone surgery only to find no answers? Let someone stick needles all over your body as you lay there choking tears back because you feel this is your last hope? Spent thousands of dollars trying to become a mom to no avail? Understood that it will cost $12,000 for a treatment that has a greater chance of not working, than working? Seen friends of yours wait years for a birth mother to choose them for adoption and wonder if that will be you too?
I have experienced all these things and more. I guarantee I have been tied to schedules, money’s been tight, and nerves have been raw. I am not saying my path is any more difficult than anyone else’s. In fact, I know my battle is a small one compared to others I have seen. Even so, just as the commenter said, everyone is fighting their own battle.
I don’t need to be reminded that my life is different than most married women my age. I don’t need to be reminded how my life would be different with children. I have spent hours on my knees begging to experience it for myself. I am trying to move on.
And that is the reason these statements hurt.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Fired Up
Over the past decade or so, I have often heard some variation of the following:
‘Enjoy ______ now, because you won’t get to do it when you have kids.’
‘Once you have kids, you’ll never get to do ______ anymore.’
‘When you’re pregnant, you’ll be too absent-minded to ______.’
‘You only like doing ______ because you don’t have kids yet.’
I have been told I will no longer have dates with my husband. I will not be able to go to school or take a class because ‘pregnancy makes you dumb’. I won’t enjoy cooking or baking anymore. If you add these comments together, it appears the person I am, and have always been, will cease to exist once this blessed event occurs.
One of the benefits of waiting so long to have children is the opportunity I’ve had to see so many different people venture into motherhood. I have observed new mothers who become completely different people when their children are born. I’m not talking about priorities changing. That goes without saying. For example, I spend less time with certain friends because they are busy being moms. I fully understand that. But some mothers become a different person entirely.
Suddenly, they are incapable of discussing anything beyond child rearing. They moan and complain and sometimes don’t even seem to like their children. Nothing happening in your life is as awful, happy, or important as the latest events in their own life. There is a difference between making your children the center of your world (which makes sense), and expecting them to be the center of everyone else’s (which is a lot to ask).
I also find it ironic that many of the moms who tell me all of these things have plenty of time to watch TV, play around on the computer, or take long naps daily. I find it insulting when someone tells me I’ll have to give up digi-scraping when I have kids because I won’t have the time, but can also tell me the latest goings-on with a number of current TV shows. Contradiction, anyone?
Although I have never experienced motherhood, I am observant enough to know that things will change immensely. Time will be precious, and some things I do now will either be eliminated or have lower priority. I know that my number one mission will be to care for my children. I look forward to that!
But to jump from that to assuming all of the parts that make me who I am will disappear upon entering motherhood is crazy. I see many moms out there who have not lost themselves. In fact, motherhood has helped them discover more about who they are.
I have a couple of friends who have taken up photography, because taking pictures of their children opened up a creative outlet they hadn’t acknowledged in the past. Practically all of the cooking and baking blogs I follow are written by moms. I have attended college classes with many pregnant women who were anything but ‘dumb’. And, I am pretty sure I have seen couples who have children out on dates. Less often? Oh, yes. But never? Not necessarily.
Growing up, I knew a million things about my mom and what she enjoyed. I knew her favorite type of exercise was to work-out in the pool. That was ‘her’ time and I got that. I also knew she loved making people feel beautiful and was creative with hair and make-up. I knew she loved watching mysteries and crime drama on TV. And guess what? She loved all these things before me, she loved them while I was young, and she continues to love them today. That is who she is. I wonder what she would have thought if someone had told her she would no longer enjoy doing these things while she was a mom, and what that same person would have thought if (several years later) they saw a little girl snuggled up to her mom watching The Rockford Files on TV, or sitting on a booster seat in the salon chair while her mom practiced hairstyles on her. Loose myself in motherhood? My mom sure didn’t!
I love those future kidlets of mine, and I want to give them every part of who I am. I want them to know the interests, passions, and creative outlets that make me ME. Maybe I’ll be digi-scraping late at night while they sleep, but I’ll still be doing it. Maybe I’ll trade in my experimental recipes for kid-friendly ones, but I’ll still love to bake. I want them to know how important their father is to me and if it means they’re spending a night at the Grandparents’ every once in a while, well, I can think of worse things than that!
When it comes down to it, I think it is a choice. It may take effort, but I’m pretty sure you can hang on to a scrap of who you are during motherhood, without becoming a neglectful parent. Why can’t you include your children in what you love and watch those talents grow? Couldn’t it be argued that you could be a healthier, happier mom if you hung on to some of those things you enjoy?
Maybe I am just a naïve wanna-be, but that’s what I believe.
‘Enjoy ______ now, because you won’t get to do it when you have kids.’
‘Once you have kids, you’ll never get to do ______ anymore.’
‘When you’re pregnant, you’ll be too absent-minded to ______.’
‘You only like doing ______ because you don’t have kids yet.’
I have been told I will no longer have dates with my husband. I will not be able to go to school or take a class because ‘pregnancy makes you dumb’. I won’t enjoy cooking or baking anymore. If you add these comments together, it appears the person I am, and have always been, will cease to exist once this blessed event occurs.
One of the benefits of waiting so long to have children is the opportunity I’ve had to see so many different people venture into motherhood. I have observed new mothers who become completely different people when their children are born. I’m not talking about priorities changing. That goes without saying. For example, I spend less time with certain friends because they are busy being moms. I fully understand that. But some mothers become a different person entirely.
Suddenly, they are incapable of discussing anything beyond child rearing. They moan and complain and sometimes don’t even seem to like their children. Nothing happening in your life is as awful, happy, or important as the latest events in their own life. There is a difference between making your children the center of your world (which makes sense), and expecting them to be the center of everyone else’s (which is a lot to ask).
I also find it ironic that many of the moms who tell me all of these things have plenty of time to watch TV, play around on the computer, or take long naps daily. I find it insulting when someone tells me I’ll have to give up digi-scraping when I have kids because I won’t have the time, but can also tell me the latest goings-on with a number of current TV shows. Contradiction, anyone?
Although I have never experienced motherhood, I am observant enough to know that things will change immensely. Time will be precious, and some things I do now will either be eliminated or have lower priority. I know that my number one mission will be to care for my children. I look forward to that!
But to jump from that to assuming all of the parts that make me who I am will disappear upon entering motherhood is crazy. I see many moms out there who have not lost themselves. In fact, motherhood has helped them discover more about who they are.
I have a couple of friends who have taken up photography, because taking pictures of their children opened up a creative outlet they hadn’t acknowledged in the past. Practically all of the cooking and baking blogs I follow are written by moms. I have attended college classes with many pregnant women who were anything but ‘dumb’. And, I am pretty sure I have seen couples who have children out on dates. Less often? Oh, yes. But never? Not necessarily.
Growing up, I knew a million things about my mom and what she enjoyed. I knew her favorite type of exercise was to work-out in the pool. That was ‘her’ time and I got that. I also knew she loved making people feel beautiful and was creative with hair and make-up. I knew she loved watching mysteries and crime drama on TV. And guess what? She loved all these things before me, she loved them while I was young, and she continues to love them today. That is who she is. I wonder what she would have thought if someone had told her she would no longer enjoy doing these things while she was a mom, and what that same person would have thought if (several years later) they saw a little girl snuggled up to her mom watching The Rockford Files on TV, or sitting on a booster seat in the salon chair while her mom practiced hairstyles on her. Loose myself in motherhood? My mom sure didn’t!
I love those future kidlets of mine, and I want to give them every part of who I am. I want them to know the interests, passions, and creative outlets that make me ME. Maybe I’ll be digi-scraping late at night while they sleep, but I’ll still be doing it. Maybe I’ll trade in my experimental recipes for kid-friendly ones, but I’ll still love to bake. I want them to know how important their father is to me and if it means they’re spending a night at the Grandparents’ every once in a while, well, I can think of worse things than that!
When it comes down to it, I think it is a choice. It may take effort, but I’m pretty sure you can hang on to a scrap of who you are during motherhood, without becoming a neglectful parent. Why can’t you include your children in what you love and watch those talents grow? Couldn’t it be argued that you could be a healthier, happier mom if you hung on to some of those things you enjoy?
Maybe I am just a naïve wanna-be, but that’s what I believe.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Why Don't You...
A recent anonymous commenter asked me to consider becoming a foster parent. This is one of many 'course of action' questions/comments I receive often.
A recent article I posted on this blog explained the caution one should take in suggesting advice to an infertile. Most likely, we've heard it many times before. We are aware of the options, and are pursuing the course of action that makes the most sense for us in our lives at this time.
However, I have chosen to expose myself and my life on the Internet. In doing so, I understand that well-meaning people will give their opinion. And, since I seem to get the same suggestions often, I feel an explanation on a few of them from my point of view might be helpful. We'll start with the suggestion given most recently by a commenter.
1. Why don't you become a foster parent?
Even before we had decided to start a family, I had the desire to be a foster parent someday. I think Ryan and I would be great foster parents. We have the ability to love a child instantly, we are both patient and loving people, and I think opening up our home to a child in need would be fantastic.
Unfortunately, I have seen into the world of the foster care system and I know the difficulties that are there. My parents, as well as other relatives of mine, have fostered children before. Typically, the goal for the foster home is temporary placement. The county aims to return the child into the arms of their biological family, if at all possible. I have seen the devastation on the face of a foster parent when the child they have loved is removed from their home. It doesn't matter if you knew that was a possibility all along. It is still really, really hard.
Sometimes, foster parents are able to adopt their child, but this is not usually guaranteed.
Having said that, I also know that great joy can come from being a foster parent, and I wouldn't rule it out completely. But my wanting and yearning to be mother is so great, I am simply not strong enough to sign up for that kind-of situation right now.
I am looking for a forever family. I hope one day that could include foster children as well. But at this point, I would need a strong indication that they could be mine forever before I would pursue that path.
2. Why don't you use a surrogate?
First it should be noted that using a surrogate costs tens of thousands of dollars. So, this suggestion shouldn't be made lightly. You are talking about a major financial burden here, and one that many simply couldn't afford.
That being said, in my case, I believe pursuing a surrogate would be jumping a few steps ahead in my treatment plan. My understanding is that a surrogate works well for women who have chronic miscarriages, who have difficulty carrying a child. I have never been confirmed pregnant, so I have no idea whether I could carry a child.
If I end up able to become pregnant, but unable to carry the child, I would personally adopt rather than pursue a surrogate. I don't feel a strong need to have my own genetic child. I, myself, am adopted so I am very open to that!
Unless things were to change drastically, I don't see myself searching for a surrogate any time soon.
And, no, it is not funny when other women offer to carry your child for you. And it sure isn't funny when men offer their wife for this purpose either.
3. Why don't you just adopt?
I have no idea what causes people to automatically add the word 'just' before the word 'adopt'. Do people not know the massive emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental undertaking that adoption is? If not, I'd suggest reading this article again.
I mentioned in the last question that I am a adopted child. I love adoption. Whether I have biological children or not, I hope to adopt someday.
But unless you plan to give me $10,000 to adopt, please don't nonchalantly suggest it, and wonder why I haven't done it already. It is horribly expensive, and I am bitter enough that money has delayed parenthood for years. I don't need a reminder.
And, just for the record, only 2% of adopted couples go on to have biological children. So, if you are planning to suggest adoption as a way to achieve a miraculous pregnancy, I would re-think that thought. Adoption is beautiful way to create a family, not a means to an end.
4. Would you do IVF?
Not sure. For a long time, I said no. IVF averages $12,000 or more. I always thought I would adopt before pursuing that type of treatment. However, now I'm not willing to say one way of the other. Through prayer, Ryan and I will decide if this is something we want to try at one point.
5. Would you live childless?
I don't see how I could do that. I know women who have: strong, beautiful women. But it is just not something I can see for myself. I understand that, at some point, I might not have a choice. But that thought is devastating to me right now, so I refuse to even acknowledge it.
A recent article I posted on this blog explained the caution one should take in suggesting advice to an infertile. Most likely, we've heard it many times before. We are aware of the options, and are pursuing the course of action that makes the most sense for us in our lives at this time.
However, I have chosen to expose myself and my life on the Internet. In doing so, I understand that well-meaning people will give their opinion. And, since I seem to get the same suggestions often, I feel an explanation on a few of them from my point of view might be helpful. We'll start with the suggestion given most recently by a commenter.
1. Why don't you become a foster parent?
Even before we had decided to start a family, I had the desire to be a foster parent someday. I think Ryan and I would be great foster parents. We have the ability to love a child instantly, we are both patient and loving people, and I think opening up our home to a child in need would be fantastic.
Unfortunately, I have seen into the world of the foster care system and I know the difficulties that are there. My parents, as well as other relatives of mine, have fostered children before. Typically, the goal for the foster home is temporary placement. The county aims to return the child into the arms of their biological family, if at all possible. I have seen the devastation on the face of a foster parent when the child they have loved is removed from their home. It doesn't matter if you knew that was a possibility all along. It is still really, really hard.
Sometimes, foster parents are able to adopt their child, but this is not usually guaranteed.
Having said that, I also know that great joy can come from being a foster parent, and I wouldn't rule it out completely. But my wanting and yearning to be mother is so great, I am simply not strong enough to sign up for that kind-of situation right now.
I am looking for a forever family. I hope one day that could include foster children as well. But at this point, I would need a strong indication that they could be mine forever before I would pursue that path.
2. Why don't you use a surrogate?
First it should be noted that using a surrogate costs tens of thousands of dollars. So, this suggestion shouldn't be made lightly. You are talking about a major financial burden here, and one that many simply couldn't afford.
That being said, in my case, I believe pursuing a surrogate would be jumping a few steps ahead in my treatment plan. My understanding is that a surrogate works well for women who have chronic miscarriages, who have difficulty carrying a child. I have never been confirmed pregnant, so I have no idea whether I could carry a child.
If I end up able to become pregnant, but unable to carry the child, I would personally adopt rather than pursue a surrogate. I don't feel a strong need to have my own genetic child. I, myself, am adopted so I am very open to that!
Unless things were to change drastically, I don't see myself searching for a surrogate any time soon.
And, no, it is not funny when other women offer to carry your child for you. And it sure isn't funny when men offer their wife for this purpose either.
3. Why don't you just adopt?
I have no idea what causes people to automatically add the word 'just' before the word 'adopt'. Do people not know the massive emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental undertaking that adoption is? If not, I'd suggest reading this article again.
I mentioned in the last question that I am a adopted child. I love adoption. Whether I have biological children or not, I hope to adopt someday.
But unless you plan to give me $10,000 to adopt, please don't nonchalantly suggest it, and wonder why I haven't done it already. It is horribly expensive, and I am bitter enough that money has delayed parenthood for years. I don't need a reminder.
And, just for the record, only 2% of adopted couples go on to have biological children. So, if you are planning to suggest adoption as a way to achieve a miraculous pregnancy, I would re-think that thought. Adoption is beautiful way to create a family, not a means to an end.
4. Would you do IVF?
Not sure. For a long time, I said no. IVF averages $12,000 or more. I always thought I would adopt before pursuing that type of treatment. However, now I'm not willing to say one way of the other. Through prayer, Ryan and I will decide if this is something we want to try at one point.
5. Would you live childless?
I don't see how I could do that. I know women who have: strong, beautiful women. But it is just not something I can see for myself. I understand that, at some point, I might not have a choice. But that thought is devastating to me right now, so I refuse to even acknowledge it.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Infertility Etiquette
The following is the best article I've ever read on how to deal with an infertile, emotional, hard-to-please friend... like me. ;) I think there are some good things in here that I wish I could find the words to say...
I am so lucky to have the friends I have, and I am grateful for them in my life, especially during this difficult time. I hope to be as good a friend to you during the times you struggle!!!
----------------------------------------------
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Unexplained (I added this one!)
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
I am so lucky to have the friends I have, and I am grateful for them in my life, especially during this difficult time. I hope to be as good a friend to you during the times you struggle!!!
----------------------------------------------
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Unexplained (I added this one!)
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
Monday, December 15, 2008
Stunned
Yes, that is the right word for it. Something happened last week that left me stunned.
I have a friend who has been going through a tough time for a while. Finally, after a lot of soul searching, praying, and perhaps desperation, she realized that she needed professional help. Having been there, I empathized with what she was going through and was so proud that she had taken the first step towards recovery. It is not easy.
My friend sought out a therapist and met with her. As they talked, her therapist begun to recognize symptoms of depression. She suggested my friend may want to see her doctor about taking an anti-depressant. This is understandable. My therapist told me the same thing. I chose not to go that way right now, but I know it's an option if I need to. If I can't get out of bed because the pain is so great, I have a refuge.
And my friend was already at that point.
She summoned the courage and went to the doctor. Because of insurance issues, this was actually a new doctor to her. When my friend expressed her feelings and suggestions by her therapist, her doctor shot her down cold, and was extremely uncompassionate.
In an effort to vent her frustrations, as well as help anyone else feeling this way and thinking they are alone, she did what I am doing now: bore her soul in a blog posting about the entire situation.
You would think that such an honest and exposed telling of her most dark secret would be met with compassion, right? If someone didn't have something nice to say, they probably would have moved along, right? Even if someone had a differing view, they would have presented it in a caring and compassionate manner, right? You would think.
But, you would be wrong! Although most comments were supportive, my friend was told by an "anonymous" poster that she was (among other things):
Looking for the "cure all" pill
Medication was 'a little excessive'
She needed to 'just face it, life its hard'
She just needed to 'pray everyday and night, read her scriptures and let the Lord help with her burdens'.
And 'try a little faith first before popping the pills'
Apparently, this person was able to make all these judgements and conclusions from one simple story. In reality, it was my friend's prayers and guidance that led her to seek help in the first place.
'God helps those who help themselves'.
Can I ask this: When did we as women decide to turn on each other? What leads us to believe we can judge each other and pull each other down? What benefit does that have to anyone? What happened to compassion, acceptance, and love? After all we have learned about depression and mental illness, why is there still a stigma associated with it?
If a young mother is depressed and is denied help, who are we to judge if and when things go devastatingly wrong? A woman is judged for seeking help, but then judged for the ramifications of not doing so.
When I read this person's comments, I was stunned. Stunned at the ignorance, stunned at the insensitivity, and stunned at the cowardly way these feelings were expressed. Perhaps this person cares for my friend and was trying to help, but you sure couldn't tell that from the awful way she attacked her.
The next time any of us sees a sister in crisis, I hope we will shut our mouths and open our arms. Share your opinion if need be, but cushion it with love and compassion. A hand to hold is worth a thousand pieces of advice.
I have a friend who has been going through a tough time for a while. Finally, after a lot of soul searching, praying, and perhaps desperation, she realized that she needed professional help. Having been there, I empathized with what she was going through and was so proud that she had taken the first step towards recovery. It is not easy.
My friend sought out a therapist and met with her. As they talked, her therapist begun to recognize symptoms of depression. She suggested my friend may want to see her doctor about taking an anti-depressant. This is understandable. My therapist told me the same thing. I chose not to go that way right now, but I know it's an option if I need to. If I can't get out of bed because the pain is so great, I have a refuge.
And my friend was already at that point.
She summoned the courage and went to the doctor. Because of insurance issues, this was actually a new doctor to her. When my friend expressed her feelings and suggestions by her therapist, her doctor shot her down cold, and was extremely uncompassionate.
In an effort to vent her frustrations, as well as help anyone else feeling this way and thinking they are alone, she did what I am doing now: bore her soul in a blog posting about the entire situation.
You would think that such an honest and exposed telling of her most dark secret would be met with compassion, right? If someone didn't have something nice to say, they probably would have moved along, right? Even if someone had a differing view, they would have presented it in a caring and compassionate manner, right? You would think.
But, you would be wrong! Although most comments were supportive, my friend was told by an "anonymous" poster that she was (among other things):
Looking for the "cure all" pill
Medication was 'a little excessive'
She needed to 'just face it, life its hard'
She just needed to 'pray everyday and night, read her scriptures and let the Lord help with her burdens'.
And 'try a little faith first before popping the pills'
Apparently, this person was able to make all these judgements and conclusions from one simple story. In reality, it was my friend's prayers and guidance that led her to seek help in the first place.
'God helps those who help themselves'.
Can I ask this: When did we as women decide to turn on each other? What leads us to believe we can judge each other and pull each other down? What benefit does that have to anyone? What happened to compassion, acceptance, and love? After all we have learned about depression and mental illness, why is there still a stigma associated with it?
If a young mother is depressed and is denied help, who are we to judge if and when things go devastatingly wrong? A woman is judged for seeking help, but then judged for the ramifications of not doing so.
When I read this person's comments, I was stunned. Stunned at the ignorance, stunned at the insensitivity, and stunned at the cowardly way these feelings were expressed. Perhaps this person cares for my friend and was trying to help, but you sure couldn't tell that from the awful way she attacked her.
The next time any of us sees a sister in crisis, I hope we will shut our mouths and open our arms. Share your opinion if need be, but cushion it with love and compassion. A hand to hold is worth a thousand pieces of advice.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
On My Own
Here is a tip that I have learned over the past five years. When someone is going through a difficult time, never tell them how they should be handling their trial. Believe me, they know, and they are already handling it the best way they can.
They know that they should be grateful for all the wonderful things in their life, but occasionally there are moments that this is clouded with pain. They know that this too will pass, but sometimes this realization is covered by fear. They know that there are worse things in this world that they could experience, but every now and then this thought is crowded out by the magnitude of what they are going through right now.
I don’t think there has ever been a case that someone’s life turned around because they were told to ‘get over it’. There comes a point where you have to let people work through issues on their own. You can be supportive or lend a listening ear, but you don’t have to solve it for them.
I know it may make you feel better to give them guidance and advice. And those things are fine, as long as you have been ‘in the trenches’ with them. But if you are an outside observer, or are not close to them, think hard before you make a judgment. Your good intentions could backfire.
I have been on the receiving end of such casual comments or ‘suggestions’, by people who hardly know me. Just for the record, I realize that there are others out there with problems so massive that mine seem insignificant. When I feel sorry for myself in spite of this, I am fully aware that this is the wrong decision, and I heap enough guilt on myself because of it. I look at someone who has lost a loved one, or is battling a life-threatening illness, and I recognize the magnitude of their burden compared to mine. I know these things, and hearing them again from you only splits open a wound I am trying desperately to close.
Infertility is a loss. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of your identity, the loss of the life you always pictured. With that loss come true stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some days, it is a mix of many stages, and I have cycled through the first four many times trying to achieve number five.
So, let me work this out. Perhaps I feel angry? Let me feel that way. It’s good for me to try and work through that.
I could compare this to a chick hatching from its egg. Supposedly, if you help the chick break through, she will die. It is in the struggle of emerging from the egg that the chick finds the strength for survival. I am looking for that strength, and I need people outside cheering me on, or at least watching quietly, not someone yanking my shell away before I am ready to hatch.
I will get there; just be patient. If you can’t handle the wait then move along. I will meet you on the other side.
---------------------------------
They know that they should be grateful for all the wonderful things in their life, but occasionally there are moments that this is clouded with pain. They know that this too will pass, but sometimes this realization is covered by fear. They know that there are worse things in this world that they could experience, but every now and then this thought is crowded out by the magnitude of what they are going through right now.
I don’t think there has ever been a case that someone’s life turned around because they were told to ‘get over it’. There comes a point where you have to let people work through issues on their own. You can be supportive or lend a listening ear, but you don’t have to solve it for them.
I know it may make you feel better to give them guidance and advice. And those things are fine, as long as you have been ‘in the trenches’ with them. But if you are an outside observer, or are not close to them, think hard before you make a judgment. Your good intentions could backfire.
I have been on the receiving end of such casual comments or ‘suggestions’, by people who hardly know me. Just for the record, I realize that there are others out there with problems so massive that mine seem insignificant. When I feel sorry for myself in spite of this, I am fully aware that this is the wrong decision, and I heap enough guilt on myself because of it. I look at someone who has lost a loved one, or is battling a life-threatening illness, and I recognize the magnitude of their burden compared to mine. I know these things, and hearing them again from you only splits open a wound I am trying desperately to close.
Infertility is a loss. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of your identity, the loss of the life you always pictured. With that loss come true stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some days, it is a mix of many stages, and I have cycled through the first four many times trying to achieve number five.
So, let me work this out. Perhaps I feel angry? Let me feel that way. It’s good for me to try and work through that.
I could compare this to a chick hatching from its egg. Supposedly, if you help the chick break through, she will die. It is in the struggle of emerging from the egg that the chick finds the strength for survival. I am looking for that strength, and I need people outside cheering me on, or at least watching quietly, not someone yanking my shell away before I am ready to hatch.
I will get there; just be patient. If you can’t handle the wait then move along. I will meet you on the other side.
---------------------------------
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
Forgive? Sounds good.
Forget? I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting…
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Words of Inspiration
I read a beautiful article on infertility in a church magazine tonight. The author delt with infertility for over seven years and managed to find peace through it all. She is an inspiration. I wanted to remember the last paragraph of the article and I hope to acheive this kind of peace someday.
Most of us will have to experience heart-wrenching adversity at one time or another. Infertility was my greatest trial. Although I still do not understand why I have never been blessed with the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, I realize it is not essential for me to understand why—that understanding will come at a later time. What matters is that I know that the same Jesus Christ who walked on the earth, healing spiritual and physical sickness of every kind, has healed the sickness that infertility created in my heart. He lives, and my knowledge of His love and of His Atonement is a greater gift than any other—even the gift of being a mother.
-----------------------------------------------------------
On a side note, I also read this today and it rang so true. So, I thought I'd share...
Being Sensitive to Couples without Children
• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.
• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.
Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug 2000, 61
Most of us will have to experience heart-wrenching adversity at one time or another. Infertility was my greatest trial. Although I still do not understand why I have never been blessed with the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, I realize it is not essential for me to understand why—that understanding will come at a later time. What matters is that I know that the same Jesus Christ who walked on the earth, healing spiritual and physical sickness of every kind, has healed the sickness that infertility created in my heart. He lives, and my knowledge of His love and of His Atonement is a greater gift than any other—even the gift of being a mother.
-----------------------------------------------------------
On a side note, I also read this today and it rang so true. So, I thought I'd share...
Being Sensitive to Couples without Children
• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.
• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.
Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug 2000, 61
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Dream Crushers and a Hungarian Folktale
Ever met a dream crusher? You probably have. If you haven't, just try something like alternative medicine after 5 years of infertility and the dream crushers will emerge. I have met a few over the last couple months. These are good and caring people who deep down have a hard time when someone makes a choice that is out of their comfort zone. They struggle in showing happiness over someone else's success. Perhaps the following quote describes it best:
"In some cases there's a wish, however unconscious, to commiserate rather than rejoice."
So they are skeptics of my choices and doubters of any possible breakthroughs. They only show encouragement when I consider an action they deem "plausible". Even if they feign support with what they say, they can not hide the cynicism written on their face. Things like diet or herbs or acupuncture could not possibly reverse whatever mystery is ailing me. Only the men in the white coats can be trusted. Anything else is foolishness.
And when it appears that one of these "silly" alternatives is making a difference, then the success is "psychological" or can be explained by some other inconspicuous fact.
Over time, I've learned to "recognize the destroyers in my life, the people who can't resist poking a finger into my tower of blocks and watch them scatter all over the floor. The 'realists' who stand by with a list of a hundred rational reasons not to disrupt the pattern of acceptable solutions."
Learning to shake off their pessimism and disbelief has been a struggle. But over time, I have found a voice inside me. Sometimes, all it says is "You'll show them", but other times I am actually able to believe their opinion doesn't matter. Which it doesn't.
I don't know how to live in a world without hope, faith, or miracles. To picture such a world feels silent and empty. I refuse to explain away the unexplainable, attributing these events to coincidence or happenstance. To do this seems, in my eyes, foolish.
To those dream crushers out there, thanks for the ammunition. You have encouraged the rebel inside me to prove you wrong. However I choose to have my family, I will one day be fulfilled. And then maybe you can find some other person you can push down to lift yourself up.
________________________________________
A simple Hungarian folktale...
"There was once a very sad and frail princess. The merest gust of cool air made her cough and take to bed with fever. The king and queen promised half the kingdom to anyone who would save their daughter, Anna. Healers from far away mixed their potions and cast their spells. The princess remained sickly and inconsolable.
Then one day, just when it looked like the poor girl was going to whither away, a peasant from the nearby village showed up at the castle. 'My name is Barna Janos,' he said to the king, 'and I came to cure the princess.'
He brought a wagon full of vegetables and fruits from his farm. He prescribed lots of sunshine and fresh air. He invited some children from the village to teach her their games. Within a month the princess was ready to live happily ever after.
'You're only a simple peasant. How did you know what would heal our daughter?' asked the queen.
'I didn't,' said Janos. 'But I would have been a fool not to try.'"
"In some cases there's a wish, however unconscious, to commiserate rather than rejoice."
So they are skeptics of my choices and doubters of any possible breakthroughs. They only show encouragement when I consider an action they deem "plausible". Even if they feign support with what they say, they can not hide the cynicism written on their face. Things like diet or herbs or acupuncture could not possibly reverse whatever mystery is ailing me. Only the men in the white coats can be trusted. Anything else is foolishness.
And when it appears that one of these "silly" alternatives is making a difference, then the success is "psychological" or can be explained by some other inconspicuous fact.
Over time, I've learned to "recognize the destroyers in my life, the people who can't resist poking a finger into my tower of blocks and watch them scatter all over the floor. The 'realists' who stand by with a list of a hundred rational reasons not to disrupt the pattern of acceptable solutions."
Learning to shake off their pessimism and disbelief has been a struggle. But over time, I have found a voice inside me. Sometimes, all it says is "You'll show them", but other times I am actually able to believe their opinion doesn't matter. Which it doesn't.
I don't know how to live in a world without hope, faith, or miracles. To picture such a world feels silent and empty. I refuse to explain away the unexplainable, attributing these events to coincidence or happenstance. To do this seems, in my eyes, foolish.
To those dream crushers out there, thanks for the ammunition. You have encouraged the rebel inside me to prove you wrong. However I choose to have my family, I will one day be fulfilled. And then maybe you can find some other person you can push down to lift yourself up.
________________________________________
A simple Hungarian folktale...
"There was once a very sad and frail princess. The merest gust of cool air made her cough and take to bed with fever. The king and queen promised half the kingdom to anyone who would save their daughter, Anna. Healers from far away mixed their potions and cast their spells. The princess remained sickly and inconsolable.
Then one day, just when it looked like the poor girl was going to whither away, a peasant from the nearby village showed up at the castle. 'My name is Barna Janos,' he said to the king, 'and I came to cure the princess.'
He brought a wagon full of vegetables and fruits from his farm. He prescribed lots of sunshine and fresh air. He invited some children from the village to teach her their games. Within a month the princess was ready to live happily ever after.
'You're only a simple peasant. How did you know what would heal our daughter?' asked the queen.
'I didn't,' said Janos. 'But I would have been a fool not to try.'"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Just Relax!
Ahh, the advice so freely given by well-intentioned people. Just relax and you'll get pregnant! This is one step up from the ever-helpful: Just forget about it and it will happen (hmmm, how about, don't think about polar bears...what? You're thinking about polar bears now? Imagine that...)
Okay, we have established that telling someone to relax does no good. But what about the actual act of relaxing? What benefits can come from that?
Well, I have been giving it a try. I have actually been relaxing, meditating, visualizing, whatever you want to call it. I lay down flat, close my eyes, and listen to a CD filled with oriental sounding music and a calming voice... "concentrate on your feet, releasing all the tension..." At first, it felt strange, uncomfortable, and a tad embarrassing. But then something happened, I began to relax.
I try to do a session everyday. Many times, I fall asleep, but that's okay. I have actually found a lot of comfort in it.
Okay, we have established that telling someone to relax does no good. But what about the actual act of relaxing? What benefits can come from that?
Well, I have been giving it a try. I have actually been relaxing, meditating, visualizing, whatever you want to call it. I lay down flat, close my eyes, and listen to a CD filled with oriental sounding music and a calming voice... "concentrate on your feet, releasing all the tension..." At first, it felt strange, uncomfortable, and a tad embarrassing. But then something happened, I began to relax.
I try to do a session everyday. Many times, I fall asleep, but that's okay. I have actually found a lot of comfort in it.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
If I was blind
If I was blind, would they say this to me:
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?
Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!
Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!
Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”
Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.
Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”
Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?
Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood
But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.
Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.
I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.
**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)
Just relax, and soon you will see!
Would they tell me that maybe this “isn’t my time”?
Would those words even cross their mind?
Or say “Maybe not everyone was meant to see,
And since I can, you should be happy for me!”
Or tell me about a friend who was also blind
But now she can see…All in good time!
Would they joke about how they can see with no trouble!
And then tell me to snap out of my depressed little bubble.
Or call me lucky, with a tone that is curt
Because, when they’re tired, their eyes sometimes hurt!
Would they tell me that they know just how I feel
Because they have to wear contacts and it’s no big deal?
Or say, “Once you go out and buy a walking cane,
You’ll be able to see - it’s just all a big game!”
Would they tell me, “Though vision was meant for the masses,
Just think of all the money you’ll save on sunglasses!
Or would they give me some kind of home remedy instead,
Like eating an herb, or standing on my head.
Would they tell me I don’t need this medical stuff,
And just say that I’m not trying hard enough!
Would they say, “Just enjoy the time you can’t see,
For once you can, it’s all over, so just be happy!”
Would they think I was crazy, gambling money on a “cure”,
After all being blind is not life threatening, for sure!
And when I had treatments, would the insurance deny,
Calling the gift of sight “optional” and making me cry?
Something tells me the answer to these questions is No
Blindness is a medical issue and so,
Any amount of advice would do no good
A doctor is needed, this is understood
But for some reason when it comes to fertility
It blurs these thoughts of reality
Everyone’s an expert, everyone knows a cure
Everyone knows someone who’s beaten this before.
Infertility is a medical condition
To be left to doctors, not our own premonition
Prayers and listening, understanding’s the way
To get through each and every hard day.
I am infertile… Will you say this to me?
I love you, I support you, whatever may be.
Throughout the journey, I’m here for you.
Cycle after cycle, I’ll help you through.
**Just a note: I hope this poem doesn't offend anyone. I know that being blind is nothing like being infertile. I can adopt or seek treatment. I was just making the comparison that many times people don't think of infertility as being a medical condition and that it can be solved by just relaxing or not thinking about it. :)
Friday, November 24, 2006
10 and 5
Top Ten Things NOT to say to a person with Infertility*
10. You've been married SIX years? What's the hold up? Don't you want kids?
9. Are you sure you're doing it right? (Laugh)
8. You're not getting any younger…
7. Oh, yeah! I know just how you feel! We tried for 5 MONTHS to get pregnant!!!
6. (Looking at their own children) Are you sure you want one? You can have these!!!
5. Look how clean your house is! You can tell no kids live here! (Laugh)
4. I tried for 3 months to get pregnant, and then I tried "XYZ Product" and it happened! I'm sure that will work for you too!
3. I wish I had the free time you do! You're so lucky! My kid(s) keep me so busy with "such and such".
(Just a note on this one… We want nothing more than to know what your kids are doing. We want to know all about it! But please don't call us "lucky" because we don't have kids.)
2. Did you know you can tell when you ovulate by taking your temperature???
(Trust me, we know.)
And the Number One thing NOT to say to a person with Infertility…
1. Just RELAX and it will happen!
(Sometimes just relaxing does help you to conceive but other times there are medical issues and no amount of relaxing can change that. Also, have you ever told someone to "not think about a zebra"? What happens? They immediately think of a zebra. The same goes with telling someone "relax" or "don't think about it". So, do all of us a favor and keep that advice to yourself!)
All of these things have been said to me at one time or another. Some of them several times! None of these comments were made with any ill intention. Some of it is great advice for someone just beginning to think about having a family. However, once you have been trying to conceive for three years, there isn't any advice you haven't heard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, what DO you say to a person with Infertility? Here are some suggestions…
Top Five Things to say to a person with Infertility
5. How are you feeling? (Only ask this if you truly want to know the answer.)
4. Let's go get ice cream!
3. I was just thinking about you.
2. I care about you.
And the Number One thing to say to a person with Infertility …
1. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here, but only if and when you want to. (And if they don't take you up on that, change the subject!)
*Infertility is defined as trying to conceive with no success for more than one year.
10. You've been married SIX years? What's the hold up? Don't you want kids?
9. Are you sure you're doing it right? (Laugh)
8. You're not getting any younger…
7. Oh, yeah! I know just how you feel! We tried for 5 MONTHS to get pregnant!!!
6. (Looking at their own children) Are you sure you want one? You can have these!!!
5. Look how clean your house is! You can tell no kids live here! (Laugh)
4. I tried for 3 months to get pregnant, and then I tried "XYZ Product" and it happened! I'm sure that will work for you too!
3. I wish I had the free time you do! You're so lucky! My kid(s) keep me so busy with "such and such".
(Just a note on this one… We want nothing more than to know what your kids are doing. We want to know all about it! But please don't call us "lucky" because we don't have kids.)
2. Did you know you can tell when you ovulate by taking your temperature???
(Trust me, we know.)
And the Number One thing NOT to say to a person with Infertility…
1. Just RELAX and it will happen!
(Sometimes just relaxing does help you to conceive but other times there are medical issues and no amount of relaxing can change that. Also, have you ever told someone to "not think about a zebra"? What happens? They immediately think of a zebra. The same goes with telling someone "relax" or "don't think about it". So, do all of us a favor and keep that advice to yourself!)
All of these things have been said to me at one time or another. Some of them several times! None of these comments were made with any ill intention. Some of it is great advice for someone just beginning to think about having a family. However, once you have been trying to conceive for three years, there isn't any advice you haven't heard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, what DO you say to a person with Infertility? Here are some suggestions…
Top Five Things to say to a person with Infertility
5. How are you feeling? (Only ask this if you truly want to know the answer.)
4. Let's go get ice cream!
3. I was just thinking about you.
2. I care about you.
And the Number One thing to say to a person with Infertility …
1. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here, but only if and when you want to. (And if they don't take you up on that, change the subject!)
*Infertility is defined as trying to conceive with no success for more than one year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
