Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Recently, music from The Beatles has become available on iTunes (finally). I downloaded this little ditty along with a few other favorites.

I've heard this song a thousand times, but a few nights ago it came on while I was driving home from work. As I was singing along, the words just rang out true and strong.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

When it comes to life, there are some things that will never be in our control. I will never be able to control if, when, and how I become a mom. When pregnancy comes again, we will never be able to control whether a healthy baby will result. If we put in adoption papers, we will never be able to control if a birth mom chooses us. If we foster a child, we will have no say in whether we will be their forever home.

My only choice is to do what I can and then just 'let it be'. This is my greatest struggle.

Do you know why the phrase "Let it be" is repeated so much during that song? I think it's because some of us have to sing it that many times before we start to feel it, start to believe it. It's a constant battle.

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.

Go Forward in 2011

As I mentioned before, Ryan and I fasted this Sunday. Our hope is to be blessed with children someday, and this was the purpose of our fast. I received emails and phone calls from family and close friends who fasted with us, and we so appreciate the support. More than you can know. The day ended with a priesthood blessing which, again, confirmed that our deepest desires will come to fruition in the Lord's time.

I am buoying myself up with this promise and have decided on a personal theme for 2011... Go forward on the assumption that everything will work out. My goal is to use this simple phrase as my mantra whenever times are tough. I am hoping I'll be able to. So far so good... but it is only day three of 2011. ;) Little victories, right?

Thanks, Santa! (Base Ultrasound)

For Christmas, Santa brought me my period.

Well, not exactly, but being off the hormones did cause the spotting to return. I spotted for several days before Day 1, including on Christmas. :( It's strange... Day 1 is always right on schedule; it's the spotting before Day 1 that frustrates me.

When my period finally came last Tuesday, I called the doctor's office and made an appointment for my base ultrasound later that morning. Ryan and I were both on vacation, so he was able to come along. Nurse H did the ultrasound and asked how my "month off" was. I told her the break was nice, but I was very excited to get back and try again. She laughed and said that was obvious, and they all thought it was cute that I called the morning of Day 1, ready to come in right away. Hey, what can I say, I am anxious to be a mom!

The ultrasound went well. No cysts to be found. I got my doctor's orders and found they are switching it up a bit.

They actually decreased my Follistim dosage. I guess the *7* medium to large eggs I had last time scared them off a bit. This time I am doing 100iu for 1 day, 75iu for 5 days. Mid-cycle ultrasound is next Wednesday.

We are also ditching the Prometrium and turning to Endometrium for Progesterone. Now that medicine costs a pretty penny. At $5 a pill, 3 pills a day... you can do the math. This is in addition to the cost of Follistim, Ovidril, ultrasounds and the IUI. But there has been break-thru spotting during the last 2 cycles on the Prometrium, so what else can we do? I don't want to look back and wonder if this was the missing piece.

We have also been thinking a lot about our next step, should this cycle not work. Do we try a 6th time with Follistim or move on to IVF? No final decisions have been made, but we are leaning toward stopping the Follistim treatments. It is not an easy decision, especially because I got pregnant on this treatment. So who's to say that can't happen again? Even so, from the very beginning we agreed on 5 Follistim cycles, so it seems natural to stop after this one.

Of course, I am hoping I won't have to make that decision...

Ryan is not feeling very hopeful about this cycle at all. I have to admit, deep down in the pit of my stomach I am having doubts too. But I am trying to push those away and think positively.

Tonight, we began our fast. Fasting is very difficult for me to do while on the Follistim. I have to do a water-only fast, as the medicine requires I drink an insane amount of water or the side effects can be debilitating. I am fasting from food however. I know there are close family and a few friends fasting with us and I am so grateful for that. Beyond grateful. We are so blessed.

We began our fast with a prayer, pouring out to God our deepest desire but asking for comfort to accept His will, whatever that may be. It's in His hands now.

2010 & 2011

2010 was an interesting year. Understatement of the decade.

In this year, I was able to begin treatments again after years of waiting and wanting. What a blessing! Those treatments led to pregnancy, and I had the best week of my life in 2010.

Followed by one of the worst months of my life.

2010 was also simultaneously the most difficult and most wonderful year of our marriage.

What a roller coaster this year was for us, and I have to admit I am happy to see it go.

About a month ago, our Stake President encouraged us to ask friends and family to fast with us on the first Sunday in January. Ryan and I are fasting that our fertility treatments will be successful and we'll be blessed with children. It is not usually in my character to ask this, but if you are so inclined, we'd love for you to join us.

My hope is that 2011 will be our year. So far, we seem to be off to a hopeful start!

What is Going On?

I had another spiritual experience today. Another confirmation that someday this journey will come to an end with the result I've been dreaming about. In a way today's experience, although less detailed, was even more surprising.

I am confused at what is going on. For years I have begged for answers and direction, and felt I have heard nothing. (Well, almost nothing.) Now it feels the flood gates have been opened. I want to pinch myself to prove it is real.

I wonder why now? Did I just get so desperate it was time for a bit of mercy? Or have these answers been there all along, and I've just been too hard-hearted to receive them...

Keep that Feeling

Ever since I received some answers about this long journey we’re on, my life has completely changed. No one can tell by looking on the outside… I’m still not pregnant, on a break, unsure of when our blessings will finally come… but on the inside, I feel like a different person.

My faith that motherhood will come has returned. My knowledge of which path is right for us is sure. Now I have to simply do my part and lean on my dear frienemy… patience.

In the meantime, I am doing things to protect myself from sad situations to try and keep this positive, happy attitude for as long as possible.

I reclaimed my lunch hour. I decided it is my hour in the middle of the day to do whatever I’d like. As I mentioned before, work is a difficult place for me right now. The people are awesome, but the circumstances are hard sometimes. Now, instead of eating lunch in the conference room, I use that time to run errands, read a book, watch something fun on Netflicks, or even write a quick blog entry. ;) I am loving this hour for myself immensely and it is the right decision for now.

Another thing I am doing is hiding people on Facebook. I had only hidden a few, select people before, mainly those who posted too frequently, use it for business networking, etc. I have expanded this to include people who are in a stage of life where motherhood consumes them. Not all mothers, mind you, just the ones who constantly post about their babies, kids, and the endless frustrations of being a mom. I don’t fault these women at all, so I hope no one is offended. Once I’m a mom, you probably won’t be able to shut me up about that kind of thing! :) But for now, I don’t need to see it all the time. (Disclaimer to my mommy friends who are reading this: I am not talking about you. The moms I am hiding on Facebook do not follow my blog or even comment about my situation when it does come up. They are 100% in their own mommy world, which is fine, but I don’t want to live in their world right now.)

I have continued saying “no”. I started trying out the “no” word when I began treatments again about 5 months ago. I made the decision that I am going to keep using that word, even during this treatment break. Sometimes I modify it a bit (“Yes, I’ll help with that, but I can only do such-and-such.”). I’ve learned that it is not always selfish to say no; sometimes it’s self-preservation. On the flip side, when I do say “yes”, I don’t begrudge it because I consciously chose to do it. I find that helps me enjoy the task more, and I do a better job.

There is a lot more I’m doing, but I’ll just share one last thing. I am trying to have a tougher skin and focus on what really matters. One small example… Since I posted about my experience on Sunday, I lost several readers who were following along publically. My natural instinct is to have hurt feelings and mull it over for a while, wondering why they left. Maybe I had offended them… maybe my blog isn’t “real” enough (I’ve been accused of being *too* positive in the past)… maybe it’s too religious… maybe they got bored…

In reality, it absolutely does not matter. When I started this blog, it was just to document my fertility treatments so that people who knew what I was going through wouldn’t have to ask all the time how I was doing. The money for treatments fizzled out quite quickly and what came after was years of working through the never-ending grief that is infertility. I kept writing, thinking it could be something that my future child would read someday, or at least a history for myself of our journey. That is the real purpose, not whether 100 people read along or 1000. I know it seems silly, but I am a sensitive soul, and I could be hurt by a lot of silly things. Refocusing on what’s really important is helping me to stay sane.

I feel like I have changed a lot since Sunday, and I hope this positivity and peace sticks around for a while. I find myself actually able to bear the holiday season this year, something that has been lacking in many years past.

I want to share a quote that a wonderful woman posted on here a few days back. On Sunday, I was completely low. Hopeless. The desperation and despair was worse that day than it had been in a long time. Even worse than when I found out we were losing our baby (although the miscarriage was a *huge* part of why I was feeling so low on Sunday – delayed despair I guess). I thought it just couldn’t get any worse. It was at that moment, that God showed mercy on me, and gave me answers I had waited 7 years to hear. This quote describes that moment perfectly.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

New Hope

I had a very spiritual experience today. It is a bit personal to share publicly, but thanks to my Heavenly Father and an inspired priesthood leader, I feel comfortable with 2 confirmations:

1. I will be a mother someday, in this life.

2. We should continue with infertility treatments, and put the idea of adoption on hold for now.

I don't know anything more than that, but that is enough to keep me going.

Immediately after this experience, I cleaned up my snotty, tear-streaked face and rushed off to the last church meeting of the day, arriving just before the opening song began.

And this is the song we sang:

Be thou humble in thy weakness,
and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand
and give thee answer to thy prayers.

Be thou humble in thy pleading,
and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet
and calm assurance that he cares.

God's Promise

I love when I read a new scripture. By new I mean one that I have probably read before, but that takes on a whole new meaning when read again in a different situation or mindset.

I came across this one in Sunday School and it hit me very hard. This is a flat-out promise from God. And God doesn’t break promises. What a comfort this was for me… I’ve probably read it 30 times since Sunday.

Perhaps things may be confusing and heartbreaking now, but God promises they won’t always be that way. No matter what the struggle or situation, I think everyone can gain something from reading this promise.

And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

The Lesson of the Wheat

In church yesterday, our speaker told the story of Sarah Peterson. Sarah was a member of the LDS church back in the early 1850s. Her husband, Canute, was serving a mission for the church. Back then, the typical mission was not 18 or 24 months, but could last several years. When Sarah’s husband left, she was now in charge of not only caring for their family alone, but raising the wheat that would sustain the family through the long winter.

According to everyone in town, Sarah messed up. She planted her wheat too late and too deep. She had failed. As everyone else’s wheat was growing tall and strong, hers hadn’t even sprouted yet. She was told there was no hope that she would have a crop for her family that year.

But then a rash of crickets came through the area. Everyone’s wheat was eaten and wiped out. It was complete desolation. Soon after, amidst all the damage, people began to notice small buds peaking out of the ground in Sarah’s field. What used to be considered “late” was, in reality, right on time. That harvest, she had enough wheat to sustain not only her family, but the entire town.

This was a testimony to me that sometimes God’s plan is greater than we know. Everything can appear completely hopeless when, in fact, it is all part of God’s beautiful design to teach us (and maybe those around us) an important lesson.

Maybe sometimes we feel like those fields of eaten wheat. Wiped out, devastated with little hope to cling to. But it is important to always remember there could be a miracle waiting just around the corner.

I am struggling...

On top of all the emotions of the last couple days, I am struggling to make sense of something far more deep than I can explain... but I guess I'll try.

I have always believed that embryos are life. They are sacred. This I know. The question I keep asking myself is, when conception occurs, does that embryo already have a spirit?

In other words, were the few weeks that this baby spent inside my womb considered his or her journey to earth, and sufficient enough for God's purposes? Part of the reason for life is to gain a body and be tested. Well, my baby never really got a body. But did he or she have a spirit?

I don't think anyone out there truly knows the answer. I know I sure don't. I'm not asking for anyone to speculate or give opinions, I'm just trying to make sense of all this. All I know is that deep down inside, I loved this embryo like a child, and the loss is overwhelming. I'm sure most people wouldn't consider me a "mother", but I know I feel the emotions of one. I have never felt my heart break like this.

I read this poem a while back. Every time I read it now, I cry. I wonder if it applies to me. Is this baby a real spirit waiting for me on the other side? Or did this baby not live long enough to gain a spirit? This question just torments me. I wish I knew the answer...

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I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and
cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Infertility and Dessert

Thanks to a friend for reminding me our dessert will come someday. I've officially tasted the chocolate cake, and it was promptly taken away. Now I know that pain, but I also know the joy. I need to just trust in the baker...

Waiting for Dessert
by Christine Dallimore

Prayer

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.

This is part of the definition of prayer from the Bible Dictionary (emphasis added). A fellow church member shared this with the congregation last week and I just loved it.

I hope God is seeing us do our part of the work, and is willing to grant us our blessing sometime soon.

Seeing the End from the Beginning

A few Sunday's ago, I had what I refer to as a 'bitter day'. It was just one of those days when the sadness, jealousy and anger were overwhelming. It was also the first Sunday of the month, which means it was the time when church members are invited up to share their testimony in front of the congregation.

Because it was a bitter day, it felt that everyone was talking about receiving answers to their prayers. Sitting in the pew below, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that my one consistent prayer still hasn't been answered. They talked about the faith they had, and how God rewarded that faith with some blessing they desired. Of course, all I heard was: If you had faith, you'd get your blessing too.

Afterward, as I sat in class waiting for Sunday School to start, I was digging in my church bag and found an old quote from a previous class. It was from Elder Boyd K. Packer:

"Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do.

"I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, 'The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.' I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: 'You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you'."

That's me!! I want to see the end from the beginning.

I feel as though I've been walking in years of darkness. Sometimes it is so dark, I'm sure I must have gotten lost. But deep down I know that I have to keep going, if I ever want to see that light that is waiting to show me the way.

Although I still felt frustrated, and a little bitter, finding this quote helped me to take a deep breath and continue through the day. I am grateful that, even though He hasn't chosen to bless me with my biggest desire, God does reach out and touch me sometimes, and reminds me not to give up.

Hinkley Wisdom

Written on the chalkboard in Sunday School today:

"Go forward on the assumption that everything works out."

This is a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley... and something I really needed to read today.

I've spent all weekend wondering if I will ever experience pregnancy. If not, that's okay, I just want to know why! Physically, what is wrong with me? With us? I so wish I knew.

Anyway, Gordon B. Hinkley was a prophet and one of the wisest men to ever live. So, I am trying to take his advice and go forward with the assumption that everything will work out. Eventually...

Hands

Each of us has our own trials and struggles in life. The one I write most about, obviously, is infertility. However, I have experienced other trials in my life that caused me to feel hurt, frustration, anger and resentment. This helps me to understand that, although I write about infertility, many of these same emotions can be brought out because of other situations and disappointments in life. This has helped bind me to other people who have not lived my same experience.

You can take this entire blog and replace the word “infertility” with many other words (“death of a loved one”, “serious illness”, “career loss”, “divorce”), and I doubt much would change. Maybe the details would differ but the tone would not.

This Sunday, we heard an inspirational talk in church. Both Ryan and I were touched by it. The speaker spoke of trials, and centered his talk on this scripture:

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Alma 7:12

Christ’s goal is to carry our burdens for us. There is no emotion He has not felt before. He suffered the hurt, disappointment, and weaknesses of every soul that has ever lived, or will live. There is no way to even imagine the suffering that Christ took upon Himself for our name. Living through our trials helps us to recognize a tiny fraction of what the Savior did for us.

Like the Savior, we should look up from our own difficulties and reach out to someone else.

Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.
Doctrine and Covenants 81:5

I LOVE this scripture. It is so descriptive of what we should be doing to help each other.

One of my favorite songs reads as follows:

His hands
tools of creation
stronger than nations
power without end
and yet through them we find our truest friend

His hands
sermons of kindness
healing men's blindness
halting years of pain
children waiting to be held again

His hands
warming a beggar
lifting a leper
calling back the dead
breaking bread, five thousand fed

His hands
hushing contention
pointing to heaven
ever free of sin
then bidding man to follow Him

His hands would serve his whole life though
showing man what hands might do
giving, ever giving, endlessly
each day was filled with selflessness
and I’ll not rest ‘til I make of my hands
what they could be
'til these hands become like those from Galilee

His hands
clasped in agony
as He lay pleading, bleeding in the garden
while just moments away
other hands betray Him
out of greed, shameful greed

and then His hands
are trembling
straining to carry the beam that they'd be nailed to
as He stumbles through the streets
heading towards the hill on which He’d die
He would die

they take His hands,
His mighty hands,
those gentle hands
and then they pierce them,
they pierce them
He lets them, because of love

from birth to death was selflessness
and clearly now I see him with His hands
calling to me
and though I’m not yet as I would be
He has shown me how I could be
I will make my hands like those from Galilee

The speaker on Sunday spoke of the Sacrament we take in church each week. Typically, you sit quietly while the bread and water is passed. The speaker mentioned that he often sits and looks at his hands. He thinks about Christ’s hands, and the stories you could tell about what Christ did with his hands. I wonder what stories my hands would tell… and how I can use them to better the lives of those around me.

I hope, this year, to listen more than I speak, support more than I lean, and dry more tears than I cry. Maybe in doing this my tears will ease as well. :)

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This is a little video I put together about the life of Christ. The music is ‘His Hands’, the song quoted above.

I Was Not Forgotten

This last Sunday was Stake Conference, which is a large gathering of members in the East Fresno County area.

Ryan and I attended the Sunday morning session. I went with a bit of apprehension.

Sunday morning Stake Conference has often been a reunion of sorts. It is a twice-a-year meeting in which I see those I have known in the past. We exchange greetings and small talk.

This doesn’t sound too terrible, except that I often see those I grew up with, leading their cluster of squirmy and restless children. Seeing these people again and noticing… “Oh, they have 3 children now” “That newlywed couple is pregnant already” “Wow, her kids have grown up”.

That is difficult.

I also see those adults who knew me as a child. For a while, the small talk centered around Ryan and I, and our family planning. “Any kids yet?”, although, that has faded over time (not sure if that is a good thing or not).

I am also apprehensive about the topics that will be presented. Family is a huge part of our beliefs, and it seems inevitable that the topic of parenting or the importance of families will be approached at some point. I remember a couple years ago hearing the good ol’ “multiply and replenish the earth – it’s a commandment!” sermon. Anxiously, I left the room as fast as I could, tears running down my face, bursting into the bathroom, only to see a girl I once babysat in there, rocking her baby.

So, sufficed to say, Stake Conference isn’t always my favorite day.

Even so, surrounded by family, I attended Stake Conference. As the speakers made their rounds, I leaned over to Ryan and said, “I haven’t heard the talk that was just for me. I want to hear something that was written just for me to hear.”

The last speaker was our Stake President. Sure enough, the topic turned to families. Children… and what blessings they are. Oh, no. Not again.

But then he said something I don’t think I will ever forget. He said, “I tread lightly on this topic, because I know there are some out there who are unable to have children.”

Oh my gosh, I wasn’t forgotten.

He went on to tell his story, of how he and his wife had their little family, but they always felt that there was another little girl who was supposed to be with them. Time passed, and soon his youngest was 18. He told God, “If this last child is meant to be with us, You better send her soon. I am not getting any younger here!” He was 48 years old when she was born. Their family finally felt complete.

He told the story about Abraham and Rebecca from the Bible. Upon learning they were going to finally have a son (in their late stage of life), they laughed, which can also be translated to mean rejoiced.

“And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.”

I picture the laughing and rejoicing that will occur in my home someday.

With tears in his eyes, our Stake President talked about waiting those 18 years for their daughter. He admitted that there are some who wait longer, and without other children. Then he read the following from the Doctrine and Covenants: “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

He talked about how, one way or another, we will all have our dominion, or our posterity. This was comforting to me.

After the Stake President had sat down, and we began to sing the closing song, Ryan leaned over to me and said, “Well, you got your talk.” I am grateful to the Stake President, and to my Heavenly Father, for not forgetting me this Sunday.

I received a package yesterday. It is a necklace which reads one simple word, “Eventually”. This word is a blessing and a curse. A comfort during times when I feel my situation will never change, and a reminder during times of anxiety and impatience.

My dominion will be everlasting someday, and without compulsory means it will flow unto me forever and ever. A promise that is worth waiting for, and will be mine… eventually.

The Price We Pay

A passage read in church two weeks ago touched me greatly.

Those who aren't members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) may not know some of the amazing stories of pioneers who made their way across the country to the Salt Lake Valley. One of the most heartbreaking was the Martin Handcart Company.

Because of the unexpected delays and other unfortunate circumstances, over two hundred members of the Willie and Martin handcart companies died before they could reach the Salt Lake Valley. None of the other handcart companies coming to the valley before or after them suffered so many problems.

Some years after the Martin company made their journey to Salt Lake City, a teacher in a Church class commented how foolish it was for the Martin company to come across the plains when it did. The teacher criticized the Church leaders for allowing a company to make such a journey without more supplies and protection.

An old man sitting in the classroom listened for a few moments and then spoke out, asking that the criticism be stopped. He said, “Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it. … We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church, because everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives, for we became acquainted with him in our extremities [difficulties].

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. … I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”

During our trials and struggles, do we ever look back to see who is pushing us through? I know there have been many times the angels of God have pushed me onward. How selfish I've been not to acknowledge that.

This gentleman (who had been through hell and back) stated, "Everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives, for we became acquainted with him in our extremities. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay".

Is it possible to consider my trials, including infertility, as a privilege? It takes such a strong person to think of hardships in this way. I'm afraid I am not that strong.

Although I have never experienced a fraction of the heartache felt by the Martin Handcart Company, I believe in the last six years I have come to know God more now than I ever have before.

And for that, I am grateful.

Comfort

Today, in Young Women's class, one of our girls shared her favorite scripture. This short, sweet passage just hit me so hard, I immediately wrote it in my notebook, and I want to share it here.

"I will not leave you comfortless,

I will come to you."

John 14:18

Letter from Heavenly Father

This was shared by one of my YCLs as part of a Devotional at Girl's Camp. It really spoke to me, and I didn't want to forget it:

Dear Daughter,

I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.

I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.

Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.

Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.

Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.

Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.

I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.

All my love,

Your Heavenly Father

This 'letter' truly feels like it was written for me. I especially love the line, I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. It seems so obvious now, but I had never thought of it quite that way before. I am trying to become humble so that someday, as the scripture says, my weaknesses can become strengths.

Dreams and Signs

You would think that since I have been living, thinking, breathing baby over the past 6 years, I would have had many dreams about pregnancy and motherhood. Surprisingly, I haven't.

I remember the only time I have dreamed about children. It was 2004 and we had been trying to conceive for about 6 months. I had a really vivid dream where I was a mother to a newborn baby boy. It felt so real, that I shot up in bed and looked around for him when I woke up. I remember thinking how strange it was that I dreamed of a boy, as I have always thought my first baby would be a girl.

Since that time, I haven't dreamed about anything parenthood. In the last two years, I haven't dreamed much at all. I'm not sure why, but over the last few months, I have begun dreaming again; many, many dreams.

Last night, I dreamt again about a little boy. This time, he was about a year old. I was laying on the floor and he crawled on top of me. He grabbed my shirt at the shoulders with his pudgy little hands and hugged me, resting his head on my upper chest.

I remember what I felt at that moment: a pure sense of joy. The kind of joy I haven't felt in a long time. Pure happiness.

I wasn't sad when I woke up, just wistful. But I dismissed the dream quickly, got ready for the day and headed to church.

In church this morning, the speakers spoke about signs. One thing that was said today was that signs are not to give you faith, but to reward the faithful. You can't demand a sign from God to prove Himself to you, but He can choose to reach out and touch you, if He sees fit. As they talked, my thoughts wandered to my dream.

I am not saying my dream was a sign. What I do think is that instead of dismissing it, I should take it as a tender mercy from God. It was a glimpse of what may be in store for me someday. When you've spent the last 6 years climbing the mountain of infertility, it's sometimes nice to see what might be waiting for you on the other side.