Friends

I have written about the topic of friends before… but I feel the need to write again… even if it’s just a repeat of thoughts I’ve already expressed.

I am so grateful for friends. I have lovely friends who have been close to me during different times throughout the last 8 years.

Some were friends that walked the infertility road with me for a little while. They received their blessings and moved on. It’s not that they don’t care; I imagine life just became too busy. Sometimes, I feel a little bitter and wonder where they went. Was I just a convenient listening ear and therapist for them to vent to, and now they don’t need me anymore? Do I remind them of a painful time in their life? I try not to think that way and just be grateful for the time that we shared.

I have other friends who did not struggle with infertility, but were there for me anyway. Over time though, as they had kids and families, our friendship faded away. I think it’s easy to be supportive for a while, but as the years tick by (especially those years with no progress), it gets more difficult. I guess our lives are too different now. Recently, I’ve run across old blog entries with comments by old friends who just don’t comment anymore. I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong or if that is just life.

I especially hold dear those few friends who have not given up on this journey with me. They were there at the starting line. They were there for the first tests in 2004, during the failed treatments of 2006, the depression in 2008, and our return to treatments in 2010. If it takes me 10 more years to become a mom, I can count on them to be there through it all. Honestly, I don’t know how they do it. And they ask for nothing in return. It’s just amazing and I don’t feel worthy of it. There is no way to repay that kind of gift.

A huge benefit that has come from infertility has been the new friends I have made. Some of them I have never met in person, but they have touched my life beyond measure. I am grateful for the Wannabe Moms Club and the face-to-face support it has given me. What beautiful, intelligent girls these are. Each of them different, but we’re all connected. And they all will make fabulous mothers someday.

In that ugly, ugly world of infertility, there are some tremendous blessings. One of the greatest has been its effect on friendships… whether it is testing an old friendship or bringing me new ones, I am grateful for that.

Wannabe Moms Club

My friend Laura not only had the most wonderful idea, she actually went through the work of getting it put into action.

Next Wednesday, we will have the first monthly meeting of the “Wannabe Moms Club”. It will be a time to eat, talk and vent with women who actually do know how I feel! We have three confirmed members so far and I am excited to get to know these ladies better.

If you are local gal who is struggling to start your family, and this sounds like something that interests you, feel free to message me for more information. :)

Beautiful

Ryan's step-mom shared this beautiful quote with me tonight, and I can't get it out of my head:

Where there is life, there is hope.

Amazed and Overwhelmed…

I just want to say how amazed I am by all the love poured out to Ryan and me over the past week or so, not to mention the previous 7 years we have struggled with infertility.

Since we made our “announcement” on Saturday, we have had well over 100 emails, phone calls, text messages, home visits, in-person hugs and congratulations, as well as facebook messages and comments. It is absolutely amazing, and they keep on coming. I sit here in awe of it all.

My husband has read my blog postings off and on over the years, much more off than on. The other night, he decided to read some of the comments left on here since the announcement. He only got half way through before telling me to “stop chopping onions” and “take the computer away”. To say all of this has touched both of us is an understatement.

For the first time ever, he actually left a comment on this blog sometime this morning and I found it this afternoon. It is for all of you, so I thought I would re-post it here:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank every one of you who have commented on Michelle's blog here. All of your love and support and well wishes have been so wonderful; and I don't even know who most of you are. Reading about all of your thoughts and prayers for us (for some of you, over the years...my gosh) has been overwhelming for me. You have all given Michelle and I both so much strength and hope - you have no idea. Again, thank you so much.

I think that says it all. We are both so grateful, for everything. It is impossible to express that to you enough.

If you are so inclined, please continue to pray with us that this baby grows healthy and strong. He or she is already loved so much; words just can’t describe it…

A Present to Myself

As I implied in our Infertility Game Plan, I want to try to be as kind to myself as possible during this process, especially as I approach beginning treatments again.

One idea I had was to do little things that make me feel good during that time. I know myself and, once I am in treatments with all the expense and emotion that goes with it, I will talk myself out of spending money on anything “frivolous”. So, I came up with an idea. I am gathering up gift certificates so that when the time comes, I have no excuse not to use them.

I bought a few gift certificates for nice restaurants from Restaurant.com. They are places that hubby and I love; perfect for a couple who wants to get out and away from it all. The downside is that they can be pricey. Now that I have the coupons, it will be harder to talk myself out of going there when hubby and I need a little pick-me-up.

Today, I purchased a $75 facial for $30 through Groupon.com. I consider it another opportunity to treat myself during what I know will be a rough time. I am keeping my eyes open for other fun deals and cheap opportunities.

There is a purpose to all this. For a long time during this infertility experience, I put others above myself. I would let other infertile friends dump all their heartache on me, and I would take it, only to find myself abandoned once they got their baby. I would spend huge amounts of money on gifts for expected moms, but wouldn’t even buy myself a shirt because that “$20 could go towards treatments”. I shopped at Babies-R-Us, just because the soon-to-be mommy was only registered there. BABIES-R-US, people!! Ridiculous.

No matter how painful a situation was, I would swallow the lump in my throat and charge through it. I let myself get used and abused and worse of all, I abused myself. I did all those things because I felt that’s what I was “supposed” to do to be a good friend, co-worker or person.

Seven years later, I say no more! I deserve to be taken care of too, even if it’s just me taking care of myself. Sometimes, it’s okay to choose my feelings over someone else’s feelings. It’s okay to get a gift certificate for an expecting friend AND buy myself a shirt. It’s okay if I don’t open up to someone just because they ask.

I think of it this way… how would I treat someone in my situation? The answer to that question is exactly how I should treat myself. So, during this next year of injections, IUIs and cycle timing, I’m going to do just that.

Yesterday

Seventh Mother's Day trying to become a mom and by far this one was the easiest to get through.

Friday, I came home from work to find a beautiful bouquet from Ryan. He's been buying me flowers a lot lately, and when I asked him why, he said he just felt he should show me how much he loves me more often.

The weekend began with a vivid dream that I was pregnant. I was going about my normal life, but with a happiness I've waited so long for. It felt so real, I considered that dream my little inoculation shot to get me though the weekend.

Both Saturday and Sunday were filled with such love. There were notes, texts, emails, facebook messages, a yummy homemade treat and even a couple special deliveries...

Thank you so much for these, you know who you are. ;)

Sunday morning, I slept in. I received a cute and encouraging email from my mom. I worked on sewing skirts for my nieces. Then, Ryan come home and gave me my first ever Mother's Day card. Yes, that's right. A Mother's Day card for someone who is not a mother. I know some people would disagree with that, but if anyone knows the pain I've been through trying to achieve motherhood, he has...

Here is what was written on the front of the card:

Love means sharing the fun times,
the ordinary times,
and even the challenging times.
It means knowing all the time
that love is sweeter
because it is shared by two.

Inside was a sweet message, including his prediction that my first "official" Mother's Day is very near.

I did go to church the 3rd hour to see my Young Women. I had felt guilty about skipping the first part of church but, once I was there, that guilt faded away. Being there the 3rd hour, it was just like any other Sunday. I have finally learned over the years that I don't have to 'prove myself' on that day. I can just do what I need to do to take care of myself, and that's okay.

The best part of this weekend was doing things for the 'moms' in my life, mine and Ryan's mom and step-mom. It was great to honor each of them.

I will never forget the kindness that was shown to me this weekend. Women who should have been enjoying their special day were reaching out to me. I was awed and humbled by it all. When I finally make it to the other side, and I look into the face of my child, I will see all of you. I am blessed beyond measure. Thank you.

Thank you

For those who have left supportive comments, sent me private emails, or called to encourage me over the last week or so, I just want to say thank you.

I have mentioned it several times before: I never started this blog to receive sympathy or comments. It is a place to laugh and cry about the world of infertility. Someday, I hope my children will read this and know how much they are loved.

All of the support and encouragement that has come my way as a result of this blog has been unanticipated, but gratefully received. I fear I will never repay you for all the times you have lifted me up over the years. Some of you are dear, dear friends, while others I will never meet face to face. Regardless, you have touched my life and I am forever indebted. Thank you!

Take that, Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil is known for saying: It takes 10 atta-boy’s to erase one negative comment.

Well, that may be true for kids, but in the world of infertility, you can erase 10 negative comments with a kind word from one supportive friend.

I have many supportive friends and, without you beside me over the last 6 years, I might have crawled under my bed and never come out.

So, thank you. :)

Something to Show Me?

I just had to record this, because there were times I thought this day would never come.

I typically leave for work before hubby gets home. However, this morning, I was pretty tired and decided to sleep in.

Hubby came home and, after some chatting, we had the following conversation:

R: Well, don’t you have something to show me?
Me: Huh?
R: Don’t you have something to show me?
Me: (After some thought) Do you mean a pregnancy test???
R: Yeah, when I got home and opened the garage door and saw your car still there, I thought you had stayed home and waited because you had something to show me.
Me: Oh, well, I wasn’t thinking about something like that… I wouldn’t get your hopes up…
Me: You look disappointed…
R: Maybe we’re switching roles…

It was really nice to see him disappointed. I know that sounds mean, but after years of feeling alone in this struggle, it’s nice to feel that we are playing on the same team. Don’t get me wrong, he has been very supportive of me. Just not emotionally invested in the goal. I caught a glimmer of that today and it felt great!

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Side Note: I plan to address the topic of Mother’s Day 2009, just haven’t been able to yet. I have many, many thoughts and look forward to sharing them soon.

This is how some hubbys comfort their wife...

Sometimes, I complain to Ryan about our infertility. Many of these times, I will wish he had responded differently to my complaints. I have seen and heard stories of how other men had supported their wives, and wished Ryan could react in that way.

Over time though, I have learned that Ryan's method of support is (most of the time) exactly what I need. Although I think I want to be babied and coddled, what I actually need is to laugh.

Last night, we had a dinner for the ladies in my church. I was at a table with all the young moms. I, of course, was the only one there who wasn't a mom. We played a game in which we had to find a woman in the room who matched different criteria. I was mistaken (as I usually am) as a 'newlywed', or 'someone married less than 2 years'. People thought I would match that criteria. Why? Because I have no children, people automatically assume that I am newly married. Over time it's become quite amusing to see their face when I tell them it will actually be 9 years in August.

Anyway, I digress.

I had a fun time last night, really I did! But I still came home a little blue. Sometimes it's hard to be so different from everyone else in my age group.

I was expressing this to Ryan while he was on his way out of the house to leave for work. As he was climbing in the car he paused, and said in a firm voice,

"Go in there, put your PJs on, turn on the Food Network, relax on the couch, and think about all those moms out there trying to get their kids to just go to sleep!"

So... I did!

And that, my friends, is how some hubbys comfort their wife. :)

Infertility Etiquette

The following is the best article I've ever read on how to deal with an infertile, emotional, hard-to-please friend... like me. ;) I think there are some good things in here that I wish I could find the words to say...

I am so lucky to have the friends I have, and I am grateful for them in my life, especially during this difficult time. I hope to be as good a friend to you during the times you struggle!!!

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Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Unexplained (I added this one!)

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Words of Inspiration

I read a beautiful article on infertility in a church magazine tonight. The author delt with infertility for over seven years and managed to find peace through it all. She is an inspiration. I wanted to remember the last paragraph of the article and I hope to acheive this kind of peace someday.

Most of us will have to experience heart-wrenching adversity at one time or another. Infertility was my greatest trial. Although I still do not understand why I have never been blessed with the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, I realize it is not essential for me to understand why—that understanding will come at a later time. What matters is that I know that the same Jesus Christ who walked on the earth, healing spiritual and physical sickness of every kind, has healed the sickness that infertility created in my heart. He lives, and my knowledge of His love and of His Atonement is a greater gift than any other—even the gift of being a mother.

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On a side note, I also read this today and it rang so true. So, I thought I'd share...

Being Sensitive to Couples without Children

• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.

• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.

• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.

• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.

• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.

• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.

Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug 2000, 61

Temper Tantrum, Anyone???

Sometimes... I just want to throw myself on the ground, bang my fists, kick my feet and scream, "When's it gonna be MY turn???"

But then I remember that I am an adult. So, instead, I just surround myself with wonderful friends and loved ones, remember what I have to be grateful for, and get through one day at a time.

And that's what I do.

Infertility...in a song

This was passed along to me by a friend who shares my same struggle. It’s a glimpse inside the world of infertility...

Anyone who has lived inside that world will relate to the words of this song (and may want to grab a kleenex before watching the video - I learned that the hard way).

Ain't I Lucky!

Just wanted to share:
Several weeks ago, I mentioned to my boss that I would be having surgery for endometriosis as it may be a possible cause of my infertility. I told him that I would let him know when I had a date and that I would need about a week off work.

Several days ago, he came into my office with information from the internet on endometriosis. He had written down the name of the disease and researched it to learn more about it. He found information about certain foods on a website just for endometriosis and printed out some items to give me.

I was just so stunned that he took the time to research something that was impacting my life. While many bosses would have been thinking about the “time off” I was requesting, my boss was thinking about me. Ain’t I lucky!

On a side note: I have a few dates lined up.
My pre-op appointment will be Monday, June 11th at 8:30am.
My surgery will be Wednesday, June 13th at 12:30p.m.
My post-op appointment will be Monday, July 9th at 11:15am.

In Reflection

Just this morning, I was pondering my failed IUI procedure. The disappointment is still there, but it’s eased a bit. I was forcing myself to look at the bright side of this situation, and actually found there was one.

There are two types of good fathers in this world: born-fathers (who desire a baby from the beginning and whose heart breaks as much, or more, than their wife’s when it doesn’t happen) and love-at-first-sight fathers (The guy who knows he wants to be a dad someday, but the burning desire is lessened. It doesn’t completely click until the situation is actually at hand.)

Ryan fits into this second group of guys; so did his dad and his grandpa. All were excellent fathers, but were born without that raw emotion the first group experiences before the baby is even conceived. At first, I fought this and longed for Ryan to be in that first group. I felt so alone. Although he was there for support, I was the one carrying all the emotion. It felt like going into a lion’s cage. He was there to talk me through it from the outside looking in, but I was the only one fighting the beast.

Then one day he said something that stuck with me. If he were exactly like me, we would be two people falling apart. Who would be the strong one?

Fast-forward to this last cycle…
There is that time in a woman's cycle between the time you ovulate and the time you either start your next cycle or find out your pregnant. In the world of infertility, this is called the 2WW (two week wait). This 2WW is agonizing, as the looming possibility of pregnancy is incredibly difficult to ignore. In the 3 ½ years since we began thinking baby (that's about 45 cycles, mind you) during every two week wait, I would bring up the question, "I wonder if it happened this month?" Every single time, without fail, Ryan would say it didn't happen. So, this last month when I asked and he said "yes", I was shocked! He truly believed I was pregnant this time.

So when I wasn’t, he was stunned, and a little disappointed. I am not sure if his disappointment was a surprise to him, but it certainly was to me. Since that time, I have noticed small changes in him. He has now set a timeline for how we will proceed with this burden. I am not saying he is crying with me; the change has been subtle but it’s there. He seems a little more comfortable talking about the situation, which made this whole thing almost worth it. Almost…

This reflection, along with the knowledge that there are other options which we are both comfortable with, has lightened the load and brought a new batch of optimism and motivation that was desperately needed. For this hurdle, he will be the strong one. There will be other times when I will be strong, but for right now I will let him hold me up.