Give 'er Some Credit!

Sometimes my body surprises me.

The last four weeks have been somewhat of a waiting game. After the miscarriage, we waited for the next cycle to begin on its own. The longest month of my life, literally. About two weeks ago, I thought we had made it, cramps and all. It was only about two weeks since the miscarriage, but I had been warned that my next cycle could come at any time.

I called the doctor's office as instructed and made an appointment for the next day. By the time I showed up to my appointment, it was gone, and a quick ultrasound proved it. (Thank you to Nurse H for not charging me, saving us $100. :))

After 2 more false starts, I was getting frustrated. Throughout this time, I was told if I didn't start on my own by October 14th, I would have to take Provera (strong progesterone) for 10 days and force myself into a period. I really didn't want to do that.

Finally, it came on its own. And, if you were to consider the miscarriage as my last "cycle", it was only 1 day late.

Sometimes, I don't give my body enough credit. I think of it as "broken", because of the unexplained infertility.

Then I have to remember... Although I may not be able to conceive for some unknown reason, my body is healthy, functioning, and can do a lot of things on its own, including bounce back quite quickly from a pregnancy loss (I wish the emotional side was that easy!). Not everyone can say that, and I should be grateful for the body I have.

Wow, a whole post dedicated to my monthly visitor. Never thought I'd see the day. :P

Wake me up when September ends...

If September 1st was one of the best days of my life, September 9th was one of the worst.

The day started out normal, well as normal as possible when you are walking on a cloud. I was at the lab as soon as they opened to give blood for my second beta test. Afterwards, I came home, did a little laundry and got ready for the day. I told Ryan that morning, there was nothing in my life I could possibly complain about. It was such a weird feeling, that I was completely content, that those 7 years were completely worth it. For the first time in years and years, I felt completely happy.

He had the day off too, and we headed out for a lunch date. I kept glancing at my phone, waiting for the phone call from the doctor's office. After lunch and a little browsing around River Park, we decided to venture into Babies-R-Us for the first time. We were originally going to wait to go in there until we had seen the heartbeat, but I wanted to get my mind off the impending phone call. So we decided to go for it.

Although I had been there before to pick-up gift cards, I had never been further than the cashier up front. As we walked in, we passed the registers and headed towards the back of the store.

I can't explain the awful feeling that came over me. It felt like a feeling of dread or foreboding. I instantly felt like I didn't belong there. I couldn't breathe. Ryan followed me as I looped around the store and headed right back into the parking lot. That is where I started to cry.

I just figured it was because of the infertility. Perhaps after 7 years, I just couldn't imagine that I could really be in a store like that. I felt like I couldn't be one of those happy pregnant women or new moms browsing through the isles; it just couldn't happen for me.

Now I think that God was trying to tell me something.

We headed home and I still hadn't heard from the doctor's office. At 2pm sharp I called. The nurse stated they couldn't find my results and she would call me back. I waited and waited. I started to feel like something was wrong.

At 3:30pm I called again. The girl put me on hold for several agonizing minutes. Finally, she came back and said the nurse practitioner had taken my file home with her, and was going to call me directly about it. My voice started to shake as I asked if everything was okay. She said she wasn't sure, but she would text her right away and tell her to call me.

The next hour was the longest hour of my life. Finally, at 4:30pm, the phone rang. My hands shook as I answered the phone and picked up a pen to write down my results.

I don't remember much about the conversation. I remember her saying she was sorry over and over. I remember shaking and crying. I remember her telling me the baby stopped growing and my numbers went from 147 to 34. I remember writing those numbers down and staring at them. I remember looking at Ryan and watching him stare at the ceiling and rub his eyes. I vaguely remember her telling me what would eventually happen next, none of it sounding pretty.

Since that time, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I bawl, I get pissed, I cry and I've even laughed a few times. I'm a total crazy person. And completely devastated.

The angry times are the worst. They scare me. I feel like my entire body could explode. I even declared out loud that God hated me, even though when I said it I knew full well it was untrue. And in the next breath, I am thanking Him for giving us such a wonderful blessing, even if it was just for a moment. I feel like a mess.

The last 24 hours have been spent just waiting. Feeling my stomach clench and cramp and waiting for the ax to fall; not looking forward to seeing the evidence of this nightmare, whenever it decides to arrive.

I used to spend time imagining how wonderful it would be to finally be pregnant. Now I know, and it was unlike anything I could ever imagine. I was the happiest I had ever been. I remember driving to work one morning thinking that after years and years, I was starting to feel like myself again. The real me. The 'me' that infertility stole. Now I look in the mirror and she's gone again. I want her back.

I miss the tiny appleseed that once brought joy to so many people. I wanted to see him or her grow and thrive. I wanted to hold this baby in my arms someday. I have to come to terms that this will never happen now. Even though I know it's crazy, I feel like I failed.

In my good moments though, I still have faith. I have faith to try again, and when that waivers I borrow Ryan's, because he has even more than I do. He is my rock.

Somehow, I'll get through this day, this week, this month. I look forward to October. A new season, a new start, a new hope.

-----------------
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocence can never last
wake me up when september ends

It's Over

The baby stopped growing and we lost the pregnancy. Thanks for your support.

The Best Days of My Life

Like most people, I have those few days that I consider the best days of my life.

One would be the day I married my high school sweetheart, August 26, 2000. We were married in the evening, after what felt like a very long courtship (4 years). Most of the people we loved were there, and our families worked so hard to make it amazing. I'll never forget it.

Another great day was the day Ryan and I were sealed for all time and all eternity in the temple, September 1, 2001. My family and a few close friends were there and that day was amazing too.

Nine years later, I had another best day: September 1, 2010... the day we found out, after waiting so long, we were finally pregnant.

We were supposed to do a home pregnancy test on Thursday, September 2nd. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, Ryan had confiscated all my pregnancy tests to keep me from testing early. I was a good girl and didn't look for them.

On Wednesday night, I was relaxing at home after a pretty long day. Ryan arrived home from volunteering at our church's grape vineyard. I wasn't planning to, but the minute he walked through the door I blurted out, "Could we try to take a test?"

Logically, it was a dumb idea. Not only were we early, but I had already gone to the bathroom three times that night. Even if there were pregnancy hormones, they probably would have flushed away by then. It's best to test first thing in the morning. So imagine my surprise when Ryan immediately said yes.

He got the test from his secret hiding spot (which I could have easily found, by the way, haha) and sat next to me while I peed. Very romantic.

I set the test on the ground and we both stared at it. We watched the dark control line appear. In the test window, there was nothing.

Ryan was the first to say something, "Round three!", meaning we would start the treatments over again. I started telling him I was actually surprised by the result. After the spotting on Monday, I had become so tired, not just 'Prometrium' tired, but tired like I've never felt before. It was weird because here was a negative pregnancy test right in front of me, and I wasn't crying. I felt more confused than sad.

As I was rambling on, I looked down at the test again and said, "Wait! What is that?"

I held the test close to my face and I saw it. A faint line in the test window.

I don't remember much after that. At some point, I got off the toilet and began pacing around. There were a lot of tears, and a lot of trying to convince Ryan that the test was positive, even though the line was really light. I even looked up the directions on the internet.

For a tired and pregnant woman, I stayed up late that night, past 1am at least. I just couldn't sleep. I kept looking at the test, putting it down, and looking at it again. I probably would have fallen asleep holding it, but I was sane enough to realize how weird that would be. ;)

Just to be sure, Ryan went out and bought one of the digital pregnancy tests. The next morning, I woke up at 4am and took it. I crawled back in bed holding it and a few minutes later, by the light of my cell phone, I saw the most beautiful word ever written on a computerized pee stick:

(Ryan took this picture later that day. Oh, sweet kitties... life is gonna change... :D)

I called the doctor's office at 9:00 sharp. They sent me in for blood work. Ryan had to go to court that day, so I waited alone for the results. I shampooed the carpets to keep myself busy (which is a lot more tiring than it looks!). Finally, just before 2pm, they called with my number.

147! The nurse said they like to see anything over 50, so that number left me feeling pretty good.

The next steps are 2 more blood tests (Thursday, Sept 9th and Thursday, Sept 16th) and then we see the heartbeat (Monday, Sept 20th). I will feel so much better once I see that little heart beating.

I have read enough information to know that not all pregnancies make it to the end, but we are trying to remain optimistic and excited. I am just trying to enjoy the moment. This is my first confirmed pregnancy, and the whole experience is just surreal. It's embarrassing to admit, but I have literally pinched myself a couple times. I have this fear of waking up and it was all a dream.

We continue to pray that this pregnancy is the baby we will hold in our arms someday...

-------------------------------------

Why we told so soon:

When we first decided to start a family, I think we were like most people. We planned to keep our pregnancy a secret until after the first trimester. We had dreams of showing off ultrasound pics and announcing that in 6 more months, there would be a baby in our home.

Infertility changed all that. I had started this blog as a journal of our experience with the hopes that our future child would read it someday. Along with this, it was a place for friends and loved ones to keep track of our progress. It helped me avoid answering a million questions from everyone about where we were in the process. Writing was cathartic, but talking about it was sometimes painful.

Through the blog, I also found support from an awesome community of women who were experiencing much of the same things I was. In the first few years, Ryan wasn't as involved in the process (although he was very supportive), and it was nice to have people to relate to.

Fast-forward several years, and I am writing about our treatments on this blog. Most people in my personal life were are of what we were doing, some calculating the exact day we would test. Although they were respectful of me, I know they were wondering, asking questions of others, waiting for the news.

Quite quickly, it became very clear that we had two options, avoid people altogether and lie when asked directly about the results OR come clean and share our news openly. Although the chances for miscarriage are there (just like any other pregnant woman), we've decided to rejoice in this pregnancy and be optimistic that this is it for us, that this pregnancy will result in a baby in 8 months.

If not, than everyone will be along for the ride. Just like you have been a part of this process in the past, you will read about what awaits us in the future. We've accepted that gladly, because it is worth all the love and support we've experienced over these last 7 years.

The final reason we decided to tell was pretty personal. I have a pregnancy-radar that is unbelievable (as I'm sure most women who have experienced long-term infertility do). I went through 7 years of knowing that women were pregnant weeks or even months before they announced it. I am not faulting them for that! That is their personal decision and they have every right to decide when and how to tell (just like I do). But there was some pain in wondering what was coming and waiting to see if I was right. Let's face it, it is really hard to hide a pregnancy when you are excited and joyful about it. I don't care how good you think you are at hiding it, someone with my kind of radar can always tell. And I know I would be the same way if I tried to hide it. Those who carry infertility would be able to tell. And I didn't want to leave anyone wondering.

Update

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement. I loved hearing from you new people. When you throw your most personal and emotional thoughts into the blogosphere, you wonder who is out there reading it. :) It was nice to “meet” a few of you.

It seems the spotting has stopped, so I’m really not sure what that was. The cramping continues. Regardless, if this cycle is not successful, then we’ll know that it was probably just my period trying to break through. If so, I plan on asking the doctor if we should increase the amount of progesterone during the last half of my cycle.

Thanks again everyone.

P.S. In answer to a couple of your questions, I take the Prometrium vaginally (TMI - sorry!) and this is my 5th cycle taking it (1st time spotting).

Yes. I am Asking for Advice...

I am hoping there is someone out there that can give me advice or words of comfort… I know a lot of people who have dealt with infertility read this blog. Can any of you offer guidance?

This morning, I have been having cramps that move back and forth between my lower back and my abdomen. They are generally dull, but every once in a while there will be a brief, sharper pain in the lower right side. I am also spotting. It is light pink to light red.

I am on day11 after an IUI. I am on Prometrium (a progesterone supplement), which is supposed to keep my period away. I’m wondering if is it's my period trying to start despite the medication? I’ve taken Prometruim in the past and this has never happened before. Has anyone ever spotted on this medication?

Thanks.

Changing of the Guards…

Last night I turned over all my pregnancy tests to Ryan, even those cheap ones I never use (the ones where you have to pee in a cup and dip the stick).

This is going to be a loooong 2 weeks…

Gettin' Personal with the Nurse Practitioner... ;)

Other than last cycle, I believe the previous IUI I had done was in early 2007. I had forgotten the difference in IUI experiences between the 2 main nurses at Dr. S’ office. I quickly remembered yesterday morning.

Nurse H is an RN and does the IUI very quickly. She uses “petite” instruments, and although it is uncomfortable, it is pretty painless.

Nurse M is a nurse practitioner and uses larger instruments, takes her time and really ‘gets in there’. Although it is a lot more painful, it kind of feels like she does a more thorough job. You know everything is exactly where it needs to be, although your breath is knocked out of you during the process.

These are just my impressions, but who knows! Honestly, I think they both are capable.

Yesterday, I had Nurse M. Between her more aggressive approach and the fact I was carrying a lot more eggs, I think this is why I’ve had so much residual pain since the treatment. My stomach is huge, like a beer-drinkers gut, and it is impossible to suck it in. I’ve also had some spotting and cramping.

I was happy to have Nurse M do the procedure, as I had some follow-up questions from my last appointment. Nurse H had done my ultrasound and was conflicted about whether to do the IUI right away (and capture the large egg on my right) or grow the eggs on my left another day (and risk ovulating before the IUI). She consulted with Nurse M and, although they decided with waiting on the IUI, I hadn’t heard the reasoning.

Nurse M explained that the real reason for waiting had nothing to do with the eggs at all; it was because of the lining in my uterus. The lining needed another couple of days to get ready. That made sense because when we did my last mid-cycle ultrasound, my lining measured 8.1, and this time it was 7.1. Nurse M thought it would be better to wait and let that lining thicken a bit more.

I also asked if they could give me an ultrasound before the IUI to see if I’ve ovulated. It turns out, it’s too difficult to tell via ultrasound because the follicle doesn’t just burst at ovulation, the fluid seeps out slowly. You can’t tell for sure that ovulation has occurred for a few days.

It seems they made good call by waiting because Nurse M stated she was convinced I was ovulating yesterday. I spotted a bit before I got there, felt cramping and pulling and my cervix was wide open when she did the IUI. She also said my chances for higher order multiples are very slim, especially because many of the eggs are so small. Then she joked, “Now that I’ve said that, watch… you’ll have four!” Hardy-har-har. But in all seriousness, I feel at peace with our decisions.

So now we begin the lovely 2 week wait. After last cycle, hubby has decided to confiscate all of my pregnancy tests. He’ll give me one on the actual day I am supposed to test. I hope he’s prepared because, even though taking the tests early can be an emotional roller coaster, at least seeing all those negatives last time prepared me for the “final” negative on the actual test day. This time around, I’ll live in that undeniable 2ww hope until the day my dreams are either realized or come crashing down.

Today's Appointment

Today, we checked in on my ovaries to see how the Follistim has been working. It has been a tough treatment cycle. I was at a work retreat, and things just weren't as smooth as last time. My stomach was all bruised up and the headaches were intense. I didn't drink enough water because I didn't want to be running out of the meetings all the time to use the restroom, which just made it worse.

The cycle madness continued at today's appointment. I knew there was something going on in my left ovary because I felt a lot of pulling and cramping on that side. Sure enough the left ovary had at least 7 measurable eggs. Three of these were around 12mm and the other four were smaller, somewhere around 7-10mm. Nurse H called it a "heavy recruitment".

On my right ovary, I have one mature egg with a measurement of 18mm. No one knows how large an egg becomes before your body ovulates it. It varies for each person. It is possible that my body will ovulate this egg on its own. If that occurs, then the trigger shot and IUI will be for nothing, as I will have already ovulated. The problem is we can't tell if this will happen or if it did happen. Frustrating.

When Nurse H saw the situation on the ultrasound, she printed out the pictures and went to consult with Nurse M for a second opinion. It was a dilemma. Do we do the IUI right away in case I ovulate that egg on the right, or do we wait and grow the ones on the left, hoping I don't ovulate in the meantime?

They ended up deciding to "prescribe" sex, just in case I ovulate early, and continue with the Follistim for one more day. I took that dose today and the IUI is on Thursday.If I do ovulate early, I am not so sure I will become pregnant this month. Our odds aren't good at getting pregnant the "old fashioned way".

If I wait until Thursday to ovulate, it seems the chances for pregnancy are much greater. However, what happens if I ovulate all those eggs??? ALL those eggs! How many babies could that be??? This scares me to pieces. My babies have waited forever to get here; I want them to have every advantage possible. And cramming too many babies into my body would be devastating for them developmentally. That is not the start in life I want for my kids.

Having said that, for years I have seen women (including myself) worry themselves into a frenzy over their treatments, analyzing every little detail and second guessing every decision. Before all this treatment stuff started up again, I promised myself I would not fall into that trap. I was there last time with the Clomid/IUI cycles and I d0n't want to experience that again.

So, I am trying to think positively. Here are the thoughts I've been repeating over and over...

The doctor's office is very aware that I do not want to "selectively reduce" (abort some of the babies if you are carrying multiples). They have promised to take every precaution so that we do not end up in that situation. They would have cancelled the cycle if the risk was too great.

During one of my Clomid/IUI cycles, I had 4 very mature eggs, and I didn't get pregnant at all that time, so 8 eggs total doesn't necessarily mean 8 babies. Although I have a lot of eggs, most of them are very small, and may not amount to anything anyway.

If I ovulate early, than oh well. There is always the next treatment. Treatments 3 or 4 are typically the most successful anyway. The failure of cycle 2 doesn't mean a future treatment won't work.

Last cycle, everything went perfectly... not too many side effects from the treatment and 2 mature, perfect-looking eggs. The result? No pregnancy. This time, everything is difficult, chaotic and uncertain. A completely different experience than last time. Maybe the result will be different too.

Most of all, God knows us and He hears our prayers. We have been praying for our family: for the treatments to work if He sees fit, for comfort in case they don't, and for the right children to come into our lives, in the right way, at the right time, and in the speed or order they're supposed to.

At the end of the day, that's all we can do. Pray, make good decisions and pray again. The rest is out of our hands.

Back in the Saddle Again

The base ultrasound was yesterday. There were no cysts, which is awesome. We jumped right back into it and I started stims immediately after the appointment. We are keeping the same protocol as last time.

Yesterday, I asked Nurse H if anyone actually gets pregnant on the first cycle of Follistim. She quickly answered, “Yup! Lesbians do.” She wasn’t trying to be funny. Apparently, their lesbian clientele has the best luck getting pregnant on the first try. When you think about it, that does make sense. There hasn’t been a history of trying on your own and being unsuccessful. The only thing preventing their pregnancy is the missing half (sperm).

Ryan and I haven’t been able to get pregnant on our own for years. For people like us, Nurse H said most successes are during cycle 3 or 4. Some people get pregnant on cycle 2, but 3 and 4 are the most common. When I asked if our busted cycle 1 is any indication this treatment won’t work for us, she adamantly declared, “No way!” This was encouraging.

So I am doing the injections again. Yesterday, I learned the importance of taking the time to make sure the medicine is room temperature before injecting it. Holy cow!! I thought I had waited long enough, but I guess not. At least an hour outside the fridge! Not a minute less.

The main side effect this time (so far) is an excruciating headache. Maybe there are other things too, but I can’t notice them because my head is pounding so hard!

Doing this stims will be interesting this month, as I am leaving for a work conference. I have to take a cooler with all my ‘gear’, which is a little awkward and embarrassing. Have infertility, will travel! I am trying to keep a positive attitude about the whole situation.

All it takes is a moment to remember all the years I *DREAMED* of doing this process, and I instantly become okay with whatever I have to do to make it happen.