I have written recently about my struggling relationship with God. I am having a hard time coming to terms with my infertility, and that has lead to anger and hopelessness. It has sometimes seemed God was very far away.
I have always felt that I was put on this earth to be a mother. When that didn't happen, I felt empty, like half a person. All around me, women were becoming mothers, realizing the glory of their creation. Meanwhile, I was there watching on the sidelines. I felt forgotten, tarnished, passed over, not good enough.
Tonight, I attended our church youth musical. As I listened to the words of one of the songs, my heart began to pound deep in my chest. I felt my eyes sting with tears. I could have broken down and sobbed right there.
I felt closer to God at that moment than I have in a long time. Suddenly, no one else was in the room. I felt a warm glow, like the song was written for me.
I truly feel like tonight was the first step in healing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I still have a ways to go, but He reached out and touched me. He let me know He is there with me always, even when I choose not to see Him.
I hope this feeling stays for a while.
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13 comments:
Michelle,
I'm glad you found our blog. I had fun looking at yours. I was truly touched by this post. I remember feeling much the way you do. I'm here if you ever need to vent your infertility frustrations! Gill
I am still struggling in my relationship with God, but I am so glad today brought you peace and hope. Nothing like church to bring on the sobbing!
There is nothing better than when God lets you know, uneqivocally, that He knows right where you are at.
Blessing to you!
ICLW
It is easy to look down when we feel so down about IF.
It is easy to struggle in our relationship with God but it takes courage to admit it and look for healing.
Keep on digging deep Michelle - He Love you.
Good luck on your journey.
Here from IComLeavWe... (adoption,pregnancy loss, IVF twins)
My Little Drummer Boys
Glad you're finding some peace...wishing you continued strength.
I'm glad you're feeling closer to God. I do think faith can really help you get through.
I have also had many of these same feelings.
**hugs** april
I have been following your blog for awhile, just reading (I hope that doesn't freak you out too much!!). I felt like during this last post you spoke exactly what I have been struggling with. In fact, I was in the process of writing my own blog post about the same thing when I decided to check yours! Thank you for sharing. I wish I could have a fraction of your strength and faith. Thanks for sharing your love, your struggles, and hope with those of us walking in the same shoes. Sending love and hugs your way!!
(brandy)
I loved that song too when we went to see the musical. I first heard it at Girls Camp and loved it then. I'm glad your relationship is healing with Heavenly Father. I hope it keeps healing.
Wow! What a meaningful post. I love "those times" when He seems to make himself known. He's there.
I found this post very touching, as I too have struggled with infertility and ny relationship with God.
I just stumbled onto your blog through a friend's, and I'm so glad I did.
I found your blog from youtube. It is beautiful. Sometimes my relationship with Heavenly Father struggles. This post gave me a renewed strength. Thank you.
Rachel
Michelle...I actually found you on facebook through all of our old friends in CLovis 7th ward...I don't know if you remember me??? Darlena...anyway I have been truly touched by your blog...I too have started a blog for my family's journey...I faced a lot of questions for Heavenly Father about a year ago...our 3rd child was diagnosed with Down Syndrome via amnio...but know there is a path for everyone and your path has so many avenues in life...you wonder why??? Only Heavenly Father knows...I will add you on Facebook as well...hope to keep in touch...you were always a sweetheart...
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